Saying Goodbye to The Office

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A lot can change in eight years. And there’s nothing like a television show about a paper company to show you just how much.

Thursday night was the final episode of The Office. I started watching the show with my wife shortly after it premiered in 2005. We didn’t stick with it for the entire run. For us, the show lost its punch after Steve Carell left. But we had to watch last night. We couldn’t let our favorite paper company go away without saying goodbye.

Eight years ago it was just the two of us in our rental house in a small Georgia town. As far as we knew, almost everyone else we knew didn’t get the humor of The Office. Just the two of us. But that didn’t stop us. Every Friday morning, we would break down the previous night’s show. Just the two of us. Laughing.

Eventually, we left our rental home in that small Georgia town and moved to the big city of Louisville, Kentucky. The Office came with us. My wife and I still had those Friday morning conversations about last night’s episode. But our viewing parties grew.

I took a job at a campus bookstore, perhaps not too much unlike Dunder Mifflin, the fictional paper company that was at the center of The Office. It was there, in between stocking shelves and answering questions about books that customers would eventually buy over the Internet, that I talked with new friends about The Office and how similar it was to our reality. Some of those co-workers would come by our house on Thursday nights to watch The Office with us. As I write this in my kitchen, I can look up at my refrigerator and see a Dunder Mifflin magnet that was given to me and my wife by one of those friends. We’re never getting rid of that magnet.

It wasn’t too long before we left Louisville for another small town in Georgia. Most of those friends left Louisville too. We still try to keep up through social media and the occasional phone call. In last night’s episode there was a profound line from Ed Helms, the actor who plays Andy Bernard. Andy never could seem to find his place in life. He was always looking back at how good life used to be, like he was chasing some initial high.

“I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good ol’ days before you actually left them.”

Those days in Louisville were the good ol’ days.

But so are these.

It’s been eight years since I started watching The Office with my wife. I love her more today than I ever have. Eight years ago she used to fall asleep after The Office while doing some crossword puzzle. Now she falls asleep reading her Kindle. A paperless book, ironically.

In the room next door to me I have two sons sharing the bottom bunk of a bunk bed because they’re virtually inseparable. They have soccer practice on Thursday nights so that pushed The Office to the side.

But tonight there was no soccer practice.

Tonight it was just me and my wife watching the final episode of an old favorite. I know that it’s just a television show but I still hate goodbyes, even the fake ones. But seated across the room from me, there was that same beautiful girl that I married a decade ago. And she still has that same laugh that I heard so much on Thursday nights back in the mid 2000s. I love that laugh. When I hear it, there’s no IRS scandal or terrorist bombings. Just that laugh. It has a way of making everything okay, at least for a little while.

A lot has changed in eight years.

But thankfully, not everything has.

Suppose That You Are A High-Ranking Government Official Who Has Done Something Terrible And Is Now Being Questioned About Said Terribleness

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Don’t panic. This happens all the time. If you can keep your cool and follow these simple steps, you’ll be out of this tight spot and the country will resume their fascination with The Voice in no time.

1. Play dumb.

Sure, you had to act like the smartest man in the world to get the position you currently have and are currently fighting to keep but now is not the time for that. Now you have to be dumb.

Random Congressman with an annoying fixation on justice: “Mr. Chairman, the 12 e-mails ordering the execution of all children under the age of two had your electronic signature on them. Did you authorize these e-mails?”

You: “What is an electronic signature? And I’m only 85% sure what you mean by e-mail.”

2. Repeat the question being asked of you so that, hopefully, it will look like the investigative committee is actually being questioned by you.

Random Congresswoman using this an an opportunity to look presidential: “Mr. Chairman, why did you send out an interoffice memo ordering that ice-cream be declared a weapon of mass destruction?”

You: “Why did you send out an interoffice memo ordering that ice-cream be declared a weapon of mass destruction?”

Note: Keep repeating this question with increasing volume. At first it will look like you’re just trying to process but, as you get louder, people will suddenly think that the congresswoman is the one who wanted ice cream declared as a weapon of mass destruction.

3. Get mad.

This always works because it makes you simultaneously look like a victim and John Wayne. People will think that you’re being picked on and that you’ve finally had enough and aren’t going to take anymore. People love that kind of thing.

Random Congressman hoping that his e-mails from June of 1997 to April of 2004 were not read by the government: “Mr. Chairman, who from your office ordered the secret execution of the white guy with the afro on The Joy of Painting?”

You: “This is absurd!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe these accusations!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SMH!!!!!!!!!!”

4. Blame Bush.

Random Congresswoman from Maine that no one would otherwise hear about had it not been for these hearings: “Who from your office allowed another Fast and Furious movie to be made?”

You: “My office! What? Why don’t you ask George Bush? It was all his fault.”

And by following these simple steps, you should be off the hot seat and back to ruining our country in no time.

Better Home

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As I saw it, it was a rite of passage. And it was time for my sons to take it. But about halfway in, I started to regret my decision.

The movie was E.T., the Steven Spielberg mega-hit from the early 80s. I saw it as a kid and loved it. But I hadn’t seen it since then. As I watched the movie with my two young sons I began to worry if the storyline was too intense. Maybe they weren’t ready for a movie about an alien that goes trick or treating and drinks beer. So I took the movie out and we watched Apocalypse Now instead. I haven’t seen or heard from my kids since.

Actually, we stuck with E.T. and they really seemed to like it. They loved the end where Elliot’s bike starts to fly, allowing him to elude the police and return E.T. safely to his spaceship which took him home. But we almost didn’t make it that far.

Halfway through the movie, E.T. starts to get sick. He turns pale and eventually dies. Elliot, because he seems to have some sort of weird cosmic connection with the alien, begins to suffer the same fate.

And then the DVD started to skip. Badly.

How would I explain this one.

“Okay boys. The end. The moral of the story is to never get an alien because they’ll eventually die and you will too. Now time for bed.”

I worried about the psychological state of my kids if they grew up without knowing that E.T. recovered and made it back home. This couldn’t be happening. I contemplated calling Ken Nugent to discuss a lawsuit against Netflix. But thankfully, the skipping stopped and my kids got the whole story.

No matter what your political affiliation, it’s hard to deny that our country has been through a rough stretch lately.

At best, Benghazi was a terrorist attack. Most likely it was a cover-up.

At best, a few low-ranking government officials went off the rails to tap reporter’s phones, and unfairly profile organizations seeking tax-exempt status. Most likely, these are examples of an administration drunk on hubris and power.

At best, a lone con-man working for a government funded agency killed several babies who survived botched abortions. In reality, Kermit Gosnell is not alone.

On their own, any one of these stories is enough to bring a nation to its knees. A dose this heavy seems unbearable.

But Christians have to remember the rest of the story.

In response to scandals like these, some Christians tend to get too spiritual for their own good.

“Oh, so you’re upset about the government listening in on your phone conversations, huh? Well, did you know that they don’t even have phones in certain parts of African and Asia, you fat, rich, American, phony, Christian?”

And still others act as though each new scandal is one step closer to hell on earth. As if God is popping his knuckles and biting his nails, worrying about what to do next.

Remembering that there is more to the story will protect us from both of these mistakes. Yes, things are bad. And yes, it all seems to be getting worse by the day. But for Christians, something better awaits.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9 (ESV)

Corrupt rulers can and are trampling our constitutional rights. The freedom to own a gun, worship as we choose and speak or write what we believe are all slowly being taken away. The Bible gives no guarantees that these things are permanent. But it does guarantee that Jesus Christ, through his death and resurrection, has secured an inheritance for his people. An inheritance that no man or government can touch.

Freedoms can be taken away. Our identity in Christ cannot.

Things don’t look so good for us right now.

But there is more to the story.

There is a better home awaiting.

The Opposite Is True

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“Unfortunately, you’ve grown up hearing voices that incessantly warn of government as nothing more than some separate, sinister entity that’s at the root of all our problems; some of these same voices [sic] also doing their best to gum up the works.  They’ll warn that tyranny is always lurking just around the corner.  You should reject these voices.  Because what they suggest is that our brave and creative and unique experiment in self-rule is somehow just a sham with which we can’t be trusted.”                                                           President Barack Obama                                                                                   Commencement Speech                                                                                                     Ohio State University                                                                                                             May 5, 2013

The other day a stranger walked up to me in the parking lot. I was getting out of my truck as he stopped and stood right next to my door. I could barely open it all the way. I immediately assumed the worst. This man was going to rob me. The first sentence out of the man’s mouth solidified my concerns.

“Hello sir, I’m not a violent person.”

Nuns and librarians never have to tell you that they are not violent. Typically, only violent people feel the need to tell you that they are not violent.

The second sentence out of the stranger’s mouth was even worse.

“But I just got in a fight with my son.”

Again, nuns and librarians don’t get in fights with their offspring. That’s especially true of nuns.

Even though the man told me that he wasn’t violent, I knew that he was. Reality speaks louder than words. Sometimes, if we listen carefully to those words, they can point us to the truth even if they were intended to hide it. Sometimes, if we’re paying close enough attention to what is being said, we will see that the opposite is true.

A few days ago, President Obama told graduates from Ohio State that they should reject the voices warning, “that tyranny is always lurking just around the corner.”

About a month before those words were spoken, the United States Army issued briefing materials where evangelical Christians were included among al-Qaeda and other terrorist organizations as religious extremists. When Christians questioned this categorization, the Army stepped back and corrected the materials.

A few weeks later, just days before the president told Ohio State graduates to ignore the cries of tyranny, the military blocked access on bases to www.sbc.net, the website for the Southern Baptist Convention, due to inappropriate content. When Christians again questioned this development, the Department of Defense stood down and corrected the problem, blaming it on malware.

Last week, the mainstream media reported that a low-ranking IRS official in Cincinnati, Ohio singled out some conservative and religious organizations for extra scrutiny as they applied for tax-exempt status. As people questioned their government and pressed for more details on the matter, it was learned that senior officials within the IRS knew about these practices for at least a year and did nothing.

For several months now, there have been a lot of rumblings from alternative news outlets about these kinds of things but they were always written off as conspiracy theories. If there’s one thing that the Obama administration has taught us, it’s that sometimes conspiracies are much more than just theories.

But maybe some rogue commander just had an axe to grind with evangelical Christians and decided to put them on a terrorist watch list with notorious groups like al-Qaeda.

And maybe the military’s Norton Antivirus subscription expired and the Southern Baptist Convention was somehow the only organization that got blocked on military bases.

And maybe IRS officials were just too busy to notice that conservative groups were being unfairly targeted for a few years.

But maybe something more sinister is at work. Maybe tyranny really is lurking just around the corner.

Paranoia is no friend of liberty but neither is apathy. It is our role as free citizens to be ever mindful of the threat of tyranny while at the same time not allowing ourselves to become obsessed with unfounded conspiracy theories and rumors. And it is the role of our government, more than any other duty, to protect us from tyranny. This means that our elected officials should be leading the way in sounding the alarm against tyranny.

But when our very own president tells us that there is nothing to worry about, that tyranny is no longer a threat and that talks of a sinister government are fictitious, we should assume that the opposite is true.

The Reason Why MTV No Longer Shows Music Videos

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The following conversation took place sometime in the early 1980s.

Band Manager: “Okay fellas, I hope you’re ready for the big video shoot today.”

Journey: “Today?! We thought it was next week.”

Band Manager: “Nope. Let’s go. A deal’s a deal. The camera crew is waiting.”

Journey: “But we don’t have our instruments.”

Band Manager: “Well, you’ll just have to do it without them.”

Journey: “Okay, but only if we get to dress like stalkers and hang around a warehouse following around some girl that sort of looks like David Bowie.”

Band Manager: “Deal.”

And the rest, as they say, is rock and roll history.

Mothers, Give Them Laughter

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It was like something from Psycho. Or maybe one of the plagues in Exodus. Either way, I was convinced that this was how I was going to die.

I was probably about ten years old. My mother had ordered me to get a shower and I obeyed. But something strange happened when I turned on the water. Water didn’t come out. Something came out but it wasn’t water. It looked like blood.

I screamed.

I’m now a 37-year-old father of two. A grown man, if you will. But if I turned on my shower today and blood came out, I would still scream. You would too.

As I was screaming, I could hear another noise. Laughter. From my mother.

Before she instructed me to take a shower, my sweet, innocent, Sunday School teacher of a mother managed to remove our shower head and put red Kool-Aid powder inside of it.

She thought that this would be funny. And it was. For her.

As for me, well, I haven’t had a shower in 27 years.

Sometime after that near death experience my mom called me from her place of employment with good news.

“Jay, I got something special for you today. A guy that owns a hot air balloon came into my office and I asked him if he would take you for a ride in it. Just wait outside and you’ll see him. He’ll land in the street and pick you up.”

I spent all morning looking for that hot air balloon. I even let my friends know about it. I talked trash to them.

“Have fun on the ground while I’m soaring through the heavens, losers.”

My search for the hot air balloon was only interrupted by the ring of our home telephone. When I picked it up I heard laughter. The same laughter I heard when I thought blood was coming out of the shower head. And then my mom told me to take a look at the calendar.

“April Fools!”

April Fools is my least favorite holiday.

Times have changed. If a mother tried something like that today she would be brought up for questioning by the federal government’s Center for Collective and Corrective Parenting (CCCP) and sent to Guantanamo Bay for a decade or two.

My mother has been gone for a few years now. Almost ten years. She lived a pretty difficult life. But through her suffering, she taught me what it means to follow Jesus. And as best as she could, she taught me how to be a man and how to treat a lady. Money was always tight and her health never was good but, along with all that she taught me, my mother also gave me a gift.

She gave me laughter.

I still have that gift today and I try to share it with my wife and two sons.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go put some red Kool-Aid in the shower head.

Happy Mother’s Day.

How I Saved Ten Dollars

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My kid’s soccer season is over. He didn’t get a trophy. And it’s all my fault.

He played really well this season. He seems to be getting better and having more fun as he progresses. The rest of his team was also improving and having fun. I think that some of them may have gotten a trophy. I’m not sure.

But my son didn’t.

And like I said, it’s all my fault.

There’s no scoreboard on the field where my son played his games this year. And there’s no parent seated on the sideline, keeping an official record of which team got the most goals. Just a bunch of kids chasing after a ball.

Just before the season was over a parent-volunteer asked me for ten dollars and the correct spelling of my son’s name. Plans were being made for an end of the season party where trophies would be given out, not to the best team, but to every kid.

I saved ten dollars that day.

Kids don’t know how to handle defeat. So the thinking is that giving them a trophy will help them to feel like winners even if they really aren’t. To put it another way, many parents are relying on a ten dollar trophy to do their job.

The Bible is not a collection of motivational sayings meant to remind us that everything is okay when it really isn’t. From its very beginning the Bible lets us know that something is wrong (Genesis 3). But we also see that through whatever troubles we may face, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). And one day, with just a word, he will finally make everything okay. Forever (Psalm 46:6,9; Revelation 19:11-21; 21:1-6).

For the Christian, hope is not found in the absence or denial of trouble but in the presence and promises of God.

The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Psalm 46:7

I was at every one of my kid’s games this year and I noticed something interesting. Although there were no scoreboards or parents yelling out who was winning, nearly every kid knew what the score was. They were keeping it in their head. And if they ever lost track, they would ask the nearest grown up.

This kind of thing frightened some adults.

“Uh, um, uh, let’s see here. Uh, I think that it’s tied. Yeah! Tied. Both teams won. Yippee!”

Eventually, most kids seemed to figure things out on their own. I know mine did. And when they figured out that they lost, it wasn’t pretty. But a ten dollar trophy wasn’t the answer to their troubles.

My sons went home with something better than that. Although they’re still trying to make sense of it all, they’re learning that with playing any game there is the risk of losing. That’s part of what makes winning so much fun.

That’s a hard lesson to learn. Several times this season, my son made the long walk back to our car knowing that his team came up short. Knowing that he wasn’t the best that day.

But he also knew that, win or lose, trophy or no trophy, he was going home with a father that loved him.

And that made everything okay.

Nobody Wants to be the Evil Businessman from Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo

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Nobody wants to be the evil businessman from Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.

If you’ve seen Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, skip on down a few sentences while I explain the plot to the less enlightened.

An evil businessman wants to build a store. This is bad news for the local break dancers, Ozone, Turbo and Kelly, because building this new store involves tearing down the community center. So the gang of break dancers decides to take action. And by action, I mean dancing. Somehow, all of that dancing keeps the evil businessman from destroying the community center. Stickin’ it to the man. Take that!

In the movie, the evil businessman was out of touch with the times because he wore a suit, had gray hair and didn’t break dance. He also obviously hated children because he wanted to tear down a community center for crying out loud.

And nobody wants to be that man. Most people are scared of being seen as out of touch, old or against the hot new trends.

Sadly, too many opinions in our culture are formulated from that fear. As a result, truth is seen as archaic, even oppressive, while we become slaves to fads and trends.

This is the case in many churches where sermons from the Bible are replaced with open dialogues about self-improvement with a few verses thrown in on the side, time permitting. The traditional preacher is dead. Get with the times. Break dancing is king!

Paul would disagree with us.

When he was mentoring a young pastor by the name of Timothy, the spiritual climate wasn’t much different from our own.

For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. 2 Timothy 4:3-4 (ESV)

“People,” Paul essentially tells Timothy, “will not want to hear the Bible anymore. They will develop a theology based on their own passions and search for gurus who will confirm those passions.”

Based on that, it would seem natural for Paul to discourage Timothy from using the Bible.

“Look man. Times are changing. People don’t really care what the Bible says anymore so you might just want to read your church some Coldplay lyrics every Sunday and be done with it.”

Instead, Timothy hears the exact opposite from Paul.

I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. 2 Timothy 4:1-2 (ESV)

Paul could confidently tell Timothy to preach something that many would consider irrelevant because he knew that public opinion is not God. Opinions change like shadows. And in that changing climate, there has to be a set standard. God never changes. Neither does his word. Preach God’s word.

In real life, unlike the movies, there are at least two sides to every story.

What if the community center in Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo was slowly becoming a make-out center for the town’s pre-teens? And what if, by tearing down the community center and creating his own business, the evil businessman was also creating a couple of hundred jobs for the community?

Suddenly, a nice paying job with benefits seems really cool. I think it was Socrates who said, “Break dancing don’t pay the bills.”

Fads can be fun. But they never really take you anywhere. At least not for very long.

But sometimes, if we pay close enough attention, we can see that the old and outdated is more relevant than we ever imagined.

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12 (ESV)

A Rough Draft Of The Speech I Would Have Given To The Future Pastors Graduating From Some Swanky Bible School Had I Not Already Made Other Plans

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Hello Graduates. Congratulations on this accomplishment.

Most of you are going to move on to serve as pastors. That means that you probably won’t amount to much, at least in the world’s eyes. Maybe even in the Church’s eyes. The majority of you will never serve at a large church in a large city. Most of you will go to a small, rural town somewhere in the Bible Belt to pastor a church that’s been around for a couple of hundred years, burned down once or twice and split four times.

You’ll be tempted to think that this is the minor leagues. You’ll want to put in your time here, maybe 12 to 18 months, and then move on to The Show. Don’t do it. Remember, Jesus died for people in large cities with progressive art communities and people in small towns where the sheriff’s office is a mobile home. Here are a few other things that you’ll want to remember.

1. Stay put.

You’re probably not going to go to your dream church right out of the gate. So do everything you can to make your first church your dream church. God may move you to another place after a few years and that’s okay. But when you accept the position, accept it for the long haul. Real ministry cannot be done in six months.

2. Adapt.

My friend’s son is in the Marines. He told me that the drill instructors told his son that they were going to teach him how to swim.

“But I already know how to swim,” he thought.

“No you don’t.”

Marine drill instructors are good at mind-reading.

You probably think you already know how to do ministry and maybe you do. But you most likely don’t know how to minister in the context where God will place you. Learning how to do this takes time and humility.

3. Love your people.

Don’t play games with them.

“Since I’ve been here, I’ve had several churches offer me a job and for a lot more money than I get here. But, I’ve decided to stay.”

Translation: “You’ll give me a pay raise if you know what’s good for you.”

Peter would call this “shameful gain” (1 Peter 5:2). Pastors who love their people aren’t trying to get more money out of them. But if you don’t love, you won’t care and it won’t take long for your people to know it. Good luck trying to lead people who know that you don’t care about them.

4. Enjoy.

Ministry can be difficult and it will be. But it doesn’t have to be all the time. Remember, joy isn’t a sin, it’s a commandment.

5. Lead.

Don’t be a hireling. Hireling’s shy away from difficult decisions because they’re afraid of losing a paycheck. If you’re worried about this, find another career. Leaders are willing to take risks for the glory of God and the good of his people.

6. Grow thick skin.

There are mean people out there. Some of them will say mean or dumb things to you. That’s not just a part of ministry. It’s a part of life. Learn to deal with it and be quick to forgive. Forgiveness will probably come easier for you if you think about some of the mean things you’ve said or thought.

7. Pastor your family first.

This is what Paul was driving at in 1 Timothy 3. It’s impossible to care for the bride of Christ if you can’t even care for your own bride. And if you want to raise sons and daughters who will hate God and his Church, abandon them for yet another crucial meeting. But if you really care about your wife and what kind of adults your kids will grow into, tell the local association to find someone else to work all night every night planing that big outreach event involving puppets and people doing a glow stick routine to Arise My Love.

8. Theology.

When I first started out in ministry, I thought that theology didn’t matter that much. Just love students, play air hockey with them and keep them from getting one another pregnant. And then a student asked me what I thought about Spirit baptism. Before I could answer, another student spoke for me.

“He doesn’t know. He’s just the youth minister.”

Sadly, he was right.

Just because your church is full of people who’ve grown up there, doesn’t mean that they’ve been taught right. Take the time to know the word, live it and teach it to others.

9. Cut the grass.

Ministry takes time. You may never see the fruits of your labors here on earth. So you need to do something that gives you instant gratification. I can’t think of anything better than cutting the grass. But, for crying out loud, don’t wear church socks and sandals while cutting said grass. Just because you are a pastor doesn’t mean that you have to dress like one.

10. Exercise.

If you make the slightest attempt at doing these things most of your people will love you. And when people in small rural towns love you they try to kill you. Well, not on purpose. They really do mean well. But for many of them, their way of expressing love involves deep fried pig ears with a side of cheese casserole and a big glass of sweet tea. Enjoy. But go for a run or hit the weights as much as you can. It will prolong your ministry, help you to burn off stress and keep you from getting invited to be on the next season of The Biggest Loser: Pastors Edition.

[So this is pretty much what I would have said at graduation had I not been too busy training for my upcoming UFC title fight to accept the invitation.

Or I might have just read Oh the Places You'll Go.]