While I was watching football this weekend I saw a commercial for the new season of American Idol. Here’s what’s going to happen.
1. There will be a lot of really bad singers.
Some of these bad singers will be products of the trophy generation. “My mom said I was good so I must be. What does J-Lo know anyway?”
Some of these bad singers wont be as bad as they appear. They’re just people who are willing to make an idiot out of themselves to get on TV. There would be no such thing as reality TV if it wasn’t for these kinds of people.
2. Steven Tyler will say something dumb while hitting on a 17 year old contestant.
This will happen at least three or four times.
It will make you cringe.
Steven Tyler is someone’s grandfather.
3. A single mother will audition for the show because she is “chasing her dreams.”
America will think this is great. Her kids, however, will wish that her dream chasing didn’t involve her abandoning the family’s only means of income and skipping town for the next 16 weeks.
4. Some kid that you would probably pick on if he were in your 8th grade gym class will be America’s early favorite.
He’ll have a name like Danny DeLeon or Kenny Creekwood.
5. Another favorite will emerge simply because of her heart wrenching story.
“That girl can’t sing worth anything but her brother just got run over by a combine and one eye is way, way larger than the other one so let’s vote for her.”
This will get her to the top 8 until America finally has enough.
6. At least one of the churches in your town will do a special sermon series called, get this, American Idols.
Do you see what’s going on here? The show is called American Idol and people in America like to worship idols. Brilliant! This sermon series will be followed by one called The Tebow in All of Us and another one called The Real Housewives of Samaria.
7. Once it’s down to the top 3, the contestant everyone loves will be the one voted out because everyone thought that everyone else would already be voting for said contestant.
This will really make America mad. No, you don’t understand. I mean real mad. At around the same time, the president will sign an executive order allowing military personnel to inspect your kid’s lunch box to make sure that the fat to carb to protein ratio is up to standards. This will not make America mad.
8. Everyone will be real excited when the winner is announced.
This excitement will last until about 10:05 on the night of the finale. From this moment the winner will spend the next year performing at the Go Daddy.com Bowl parade and half time of the NHL All-Star game. Nobody will buy the winner’s album because, well, America would rather hear Mary J. Blige sing her own songs than they would the winner of American Idol sing Mary J. Blige’s songs.
9. Nine months after the show is over, no one will remember who won it but they will be unable to contain their excitement for the next season of American Idol.
10. Repeat cycle.
There you have it. Now you don’t have to watch American Idol. You can thank me later.