The NFL’s conference championships are this weekend. Here’s what’s going to happen.
The Baltimore Ravens at The New England Patriots
Everybody’s mad at Ed Reed because he, in so many words, said that his quarterback wasn’t very good. Sometimes words can be painful, especially when they are so deadly accurate. It’s sort of like telling a 13 year old that in anywhere between 3 and 18 months she’ll stop caring about Justin Bieber. She hates you for saying it but deep down, she knows it’s true.
The Patriots on the other hand have a very good quarterback. Maybe you’ve heard of him. He wasn’t good enough to get a lot of snaps in college at Michigan but he’s somehow managed to adjust into a fine quarterback. They call him Tom Brady.
The good news for the Ravens is that they’ve never had a legit quarterback. Even when they won a Super Bowl, they did it with a guy that probably shouldn’t have been in the league but yet now spends his time on ESPN critiquing quarterbacks better than he was. Defense has always been the name of the game in Baltimore. Ed Reed is the best defensive back in the game, maybe even in the history of the game. He’s allowed to say whatever he wants. Oh, and there’s Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs too.
The bad news for the Ravens is that they have to play the Patriots. Bill Belichick is a genius. He probably had something to do with the invention of the iphone and math. Brady has only thrown 2 interceptions since grade school.
Patriots 23, Ravens 10
The New York Giants at The San Francisco 49ers
What is it with the Giants? They start out every year with all the hype in the world and by midseason Tom Coughlin is fighting for his job only to turn around and embarrass the Cowboys on national television in a game that puts them on a hot streak all through the playoffs. I’m too busy to look up their record for this year but I think the Giants have only won like 4, maybe 5 games. Do we really want a team like this to play in the Super Bowl?
Look, Coach Harbaugh. Do the world a favor. Please beat the Giants this Sunday. Football fans are forced to constantly hear about the Cowboys and the Giants no matter how bad either team is. It’s even worse when they’re winning. The Cowboys have done us a huge favor by being bad for the better part of two decades but the Giants just wont do their part. Coach, make them do their part. I know you have a suspect quarterback but did you see that game last week? Alex Smith actually played good. I’m not talking about Elvis Grbac, well nobody got killed and we only lost by 3 points good. I’m talking Steve Young, I’m running, no wait I’m throwing, oh, oh, now I’m running again, good. He was legit. Tell him to do that again. The world needs this. Do it for your country.
49ers 35, Giants 9
Football predictions are hard. My accuracy is hovering somewhere around 30 to 40% which is about where my 12th grade Trigonometry average was until I found out that if I changed my diploma type I could replace Trig with Introduction to Electronics where we watched Short Circuit 2 at least three times a week. I got an A in that class. Sometimes easier is better.
On to some easier predictions.
1. Over the weekend, Newt Gingrich will suspend his campaign and announce his support for, well, Newt Gingrich.
A brilliant strategy if you ask me.
2. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close will make a bunch of people cry.
Who made this movie? Who wants to see this movie? I’m sure it’s quality. It’s got Tom Hanks in it and that lady that drove the bus for Keanu Reeves. What’s her name again? I think her kid plays for the Ravens. Either way, there’s a good cast but could you think of a more depressing story that didn’t involve a guy kicking puppies for an hour and a half? Listen to me again fellas. It’ll make you cry. I’m not talking about Top Gun cry. This is more of a Brian’s Song cry. Wait, you didn’t cry at Top Gun, when Goose died? Yeah, neither did I.
Your wife probably wants to see it but don’t go. Suggest a girls night out and stay home and watch Fresh Prince reruns.
You’ll thank me for this.