Spoiler Alert! Your Late Local News

Your late local news is scheduled to air tonight at 11.  Here’s what they’re going to say.

Apartment Fire!

Here are the three most dangerous places in the world to live.

1.  Juarez, Mexico

2.  Baghdad, Iraq

3.  Any apartment building in the metro Atlanta area

In a given week, you can count on at least one of these things catching on fire and making it on the news.  News stations love these and nobody has figured out why.  The only people who really need to know about it either already know about it or will very soon.  Save the helicopter for the next police chase.

Apartment Fire! is a distant cousin of Ladder In The Road that you so often hear about during your morning traffic report.

The School System

Somebody in the school system did something dumb today or got caught today for something dumb they did yesterday.  Most likely it involves a government issued laptop.  For their punishment they’ll get anywhere between 6 years in prison and a 30% increase in pay.

Musician Story Generator

Fill in the blanks below as you like and eventually you can see your very own story on the late local news.

“______________ (insert the word Rocker or Rapper) _______________________ (insert favorite troubled artist here.  Ex: Tommy Lee or Gucci Mane) was _______________________ (insert the word honored, arrested or killed) today for __________________________ (insert the phrase his role in a fight outside of a nightclub, driving 102 mph down the wrong way of a busy street or being famous).”

As a side note, if Tommy Lee lives to be 103 years old, the late local news will still put the word Rocker before his name.  He will always be Rocker Tommy Lee.  Tommy Lee is the first name(s) of the guy that was trying to arrest Harrison Ford in The Fugitive.  The word Rocker clears up a lot of confusion here.  Also, even though he has retired four times and owns an NBA franchise, Jay Z will always be Rapper Jay Z as far as your late local news is concerned.  They just want to make sure that you know which Jay Z they’re talking about.

Delayed Weather

“There’s a really big new system coming in for this weekend that you’re going to want to know about before you make any plans.  But first, let me spend the next 5 minutes talking about what already happened today and explaining to you why tomorrow at 2 a.m. will be the best time of day for you to go fishing.”

Now you can go to bed at 10:00 tonight.