Things You Need To Know About The South

If you’re new to the southern states or planning on making a visit (note: the part of Florida below Orlando does not qualify as the south) here’s some background information that may help you to make the adjustment a little better.

1.  Poverty.

Everyone in the south is poor.  Even the rich folks.  Just ask them.  You know times are tight when you can only afford to keep three Suburbans in the driveway.  The southerners that are really, really poor will not tell you that they are poor.  They’ll tell you that they are poore (rhymes with lure).

2.  Heritage.

Everyone in the south is part Cherokee Indian.  I’ve lived in the south my entire life and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a full Cherokee Indian.  I’m told that my great grandmother was one, along with everyone else’s great grandmother.  Either way, we probably have this to thank for what was the worst song ever until Toby Keith came along.

3.  Automobiles Say It All.

More specifically what’s on the front of the automobile.  I once heard a guy telling another guy what it was like to live in Georgia.  He said that everyone has one of three tags on the front of their automobile: The Dale Earnhardt 3, some variation of the rebel flag or the Georgia Bulldogs.

That used to be true but times have changed.  Now the Earnhardt 3 has sprouted wings and moved to the back window of the car.  It can also be found on a set of commemorative plates sold on the side of the road next to The Gas-n-Go.  The rebel flags have thankfully died down a little and everyone’s gone all pluralistic with their college football teams.  The Georgia tag has been replaced with a tag that has Georgia on one side and Auburn on the other with the phrase “A Family Divided” written below.  Unlike the rebel flag, this is a change for the worse.

4.  Always Crowded

The Golden Corral is always crowded.  Any time of day, you can drive by and see at least 100 cars in the parking lot.  Why are that many people eating at a buffet at 3:00 in the afternoon?  I blame it on this.

Also, you need to know that roughly 83% of the customers inside are wearing their pajamas, a swimsuit or some combination of the two.

Is there anything more disgusting than seeing a kid in his pajamas sticking a spoonful of mashed potatoes in the chocolate fountain?  Probably not but it’s still not enough to keep the crowds away from this place.  Maybe this is why everyone is so poor (rhymes with lure).