Breaking Up

Dear TV,

What’s up?  How are things with you?  I’m pretty good.

I’m writing to apologize for being so distant lately but I really feel like I need my space.

Things started out so good between us.  You introduced me to some really rad shows like The Great Space Coaster where I was learning things without even knowing it.  How would I have known that gn makes the n sound if it wasn’t for Gary Gnu?  I have you to thank for that.  Other than that time you really freaked me out by introducing me to Alice Cooper on The Muppet Show and that scary voice that always said, “It’s 10:00.  Do you know where your children are?” we were good.

But recently, we’ve started growing apart.  Sometimes I wonder if you even know who I am anymore.

What makes you think I care so much about cops in New York City?  Do you think I’m dumb enough to believe that the entire New York City Police Department looks like a beach volleyball team, fires their weapon at least 12 times a day and always solves the case?  I told you to cool it with the police dramas after Cop Rock but you just wouldn’t listen.

And then there’s the hospital shows.  As a pastor, I have to visit hospitals from time to time and I’ve never seen one like the ones you show me.  The doctors are almost never married to each other.  I don’t think I’ve ever even seen two on the same floor at the same time.  In fact, they’re never even at the hospital.  Every time I make a visit, the patients are always waiting for the doctor to come so they can be dismissed but on your shows, the doctors live their lives at the hospital and party like a bunch of LSU football players the night before spring practice starts.  What gives?

But you really lost me with the singing shows.  This was a good idea a few years back but it’s run its course.  I don’t listen to Christina Aguilera, Paula Abdul, the dude that played bass for Journey on a few songs or that guy with the high pitched voice from Maroon 5 so what makes you think that I would want to listen to teenage strangers that they coach or vote for?

Look, it’s not you, it’s me.

We can still be friends.

I hope you find someone else.  Someone special.  You deserve it.