Saving the Man

Men, it’s hard being a man. On the average day you’ll face a host of obstacles that could compromise your man status. Here’s how to navigate your way through a few of the more difficult threats to your manhood.

1.  Picking up a ping pong ball.

No man can do this and still look legit. Even playing the game of ping pong is pushing it but if you must, you should probably smoke a cigarette and make a Robert De Niro face while you play. Check that. You’ll get lung cancer. Is ping pong really worth it? No. Forget the cigarette. Here’s something better. When the ball inevitably dribbles past you down the hall, rather than chasing after it in that awkward hunched over position, try picking it up with chop sticks. You can tell people it’s part of your training. If you look intense enough while trying to pick up a non food related item with chop sticks, people will always, listen to me – always, think that you are training for something ninja related.

2.  Riding in the side car of a motorcycle.

It’s virtually impossible to not look cool while you’re riding a motorcycle, unless it’s the kind with three wheels.  But if you happen to find yourself in the side car of a motorcycle you’re going to need some help.  I suggest eating a turkey leg.  Eating a turkey leg gives you some major man points all by itself but it also makes you look too busy to fool with driving.  You’ve got people to do that for you.

“Driver, take me to the monster truck show!”

3.  Drinking from a straw.

Never drink from a straw.  What would you think of Doc Holiday if he took a slurp from a straw after he said, “I’m your Huckleberry”?  Nothing.  He would have been shot on sight.  Bam.  No Tombstone movie.  All because of a straw.  Avoid the straw at all costs but if you absolutely have to use one, refrain from talking or even opening your mouth for the rest of the day.  Maybe people will think you had to have your jaw wired shut because of a train accident.  It doesn’t get much more manly than getting your jaw broken in a train wreck.  I know it’s a stretch but hey, you’re the one that wanted to use the straw.

4.  Watching a vampire movie.

If the movie was made before 1990 or if it happens to be in black and white, you’re okay.  But if you find yourself in a situation where you have to watch one of those Twilight movies and you can’t leave the room, you should try to whittle something.  Whittling is one of the most under rated man activities there has ever been.  Plus, 40 years later when your grandkids ask you where you got your sweet walking stick from, you can say, “I crafted it with my own hands while your grandma was watching a movie about pasty faced emo kids fighting over some girl.”

5.  Improper technique at the gym.

I’m sure I’m not the only man that’s suffered from poor form at the gym.

“SIr, are you okay?”

“Yep, just trying to get in some bench pressing.  Bench presses.  Just about to do the bench press.”

“Well sir, why are you laying on your stomach?  On the treadmill?”

This is an easy one to recover from.  Just start holding your shoulder and moving your arm around in circles while wincing.  If you can work in a slight twitch of the face while making reference to your “old football injury” that’ll help too.  Referring to your “old football injury” will get you out of any manhood threatening weight room mishap.

6.  Waiting in line for the midnight showing of The Hunger Games.

No help needed.  There’s absolutely nothing unmanly about this.  If Mr. T were still alive, I’m sure he would be right there with me.  Wait, Mr. T is still alive?  Man, this is going to be a great weekend!

Good luck, men.  See you at the movies!