Nine Unwritten Laws

The following laws aren’t written down anywhere and they aren’t even enforced.  They don’t need to be.  Everyone already obeys them.

1.  When you are driving and your kid is in the front seat and you suddenly have to apply the brakes, you must always throw your arm out, real stiff, in front of your child.  If you’re in an actual wreck and the child restraint seat or airbags don’t protect your kid, your arm probably will not do much good either.  Do this anyway.

2.  Once every five years, a movie will be released starring Bruce Willis as a down on his luck, gritty cop.  It’s going to be terrible but you must convince yourself that it’s the next Die Hard.  Go see it.

3.  At some point, you will find yourself in a conversation with two women you do not know.  One will look much older than the other.  Go ahead and guess out loud that the older looking one is the mother.

She probably isn’t.  And even if she is, you still lose.  But while you’re at it, go ahead and ask her when her baby is due.

4.  If you have to eat alone in a public setting, always read something.  If you’re by yourself and just eating, people might think you’re a loser.  If you’re reading something while eating, you just look busy.

5.  If you want people to think you are smart, reference at least three of the following people 13 times for every 10 minutes that you are talking.


Patty Smyth

Che Guevara (Bonus points if you drop the last name and just say Che)

Lester Lee Baxter

Note: I made up the name Lester Lee Baxter but it will still work for you because nobody wants to take the chance of looking dumb by asking who that is.  Also, the name sounds like it should belong to somebody on death row and quoting death row inmates always makes you sound smarter.  And this leads directly to rule number 6.

6.  Whether you are or not, choosing to go by all three of your names means that you are guilty.  The way you use your name determines a lot about your future.  When you were little and your mom called you by all three names, it meant you were in trouble.  Now that you’re grown, that still applies.  If you’ve made a habit of going by your full name and something bad happens, you’ll get blamed for it and spend the rest of your life on death row.  To avoid trouble and still honor your Christian name(s), you can just use your first two initials along with your last name.  If, for some reason, you have three names, you can use those initials with your last name.  See Figure 1.1.

Figure 1.1

Lester Lee Baxter – Serial Killer

L.L. Baxter – Crime Novelist, Furniture Designer

R.L.L. Baxter – Theologian

7.  When ordering a sandwich at Subway, give absolutely no thought whatsoever to the kind of sandwich you would like to eat until it’s your turn to order.  Act surprised when the worker behind the counter asks you what you would like.

“Me?  Oh, you mean I get to choose what food I get.  I thought this was Soviet Russia in the late 70s and you were just going to hand me something two days from now.”

Also, be sure to order for the 27 people you work with who have also given no thought to what kind of sandwich they would like to eat.  Do this at the busiest time of the day.

8.  At least three times a day, you must begin a sentence with the word so.

“So, how was the prom?”

“So, I got a speeding ticket again.”

“So, have you read that new L.L. Baxter novel?  Riveting!”

9.  At least three times a day, you must end a sentence with the word so.

“The prom was okay.  Missy had the same dress as me, so.”

“You got another ticket?!  My dad’s a judge.  He may be able to help you, so.”

“L.L. Baxter?  Isn’t he a serial killer.  I don’t read books by serial killers, so.”