The Proverbials vol. 1

Editor’s Note: The following words of wisdom are nowhere near as important as the original Proverbs you are familiar with from the middle of your Bible but you still might find them to be helpful and informative.

Never see another Adam Sandler movie.  They stopped being funny 15 years ago.

If your wife asks you if her clothes/hair/make-up look okay before a trip to Wal-Mart(s), always answer in the affirmative.  If she has hair, wears clothes and cares about make-up, she’s already overqualified for Wal-Mart(s) shopping.

If someone asks you if they can, “have a word with you” you have to tell them no.  If someone wants to “have a word with you” you are in trouble.

If someone tells you, “It’s okay if you say no” before asking you for a favor, it’s not okay if you say no.

The WWF was fake.  All other professional wrestling was real until the late 80s.  The jury is still out on man landing on the moon.

Women, if you ever wonder what men talk about when you’re not around, the answer is simple. Wrestling.  A man starts a conversation about professional wrestling every 12 seconds.  Of course I can’t prove it, what with it being a secret society and all, but I’m pretty sure that’s all the boys over at the Masonic lodge do.  They just sit around and talk about The Road Warriors.  I’m sure goats and world domination are involved too.

If you don’t have kids and you are over the age of 16, you have no business on the toy aisle.  Next time I see you there, I’m calling the authorities.

If you’ve gone through the trouble to store up food, guns and other essentials for a doomsday scenario, congratulations.  You’ve done a wise thing.  If you’ve allowed a camera crew to document your preparation and then broadcast everything all over the world, shame on you.  You’ve done a foolish thing.  If the zombies ever do attack, guess whose house we’re all going to.

The food at The Waffle House only tastes good when the sun is down.  It’s at its peak between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m.  Never eat there during the day.  Never eat at The Huddle House.  Ever.

If the movie is about a horse, the movie will be terrible.  Never see a movie about a horse.

If you have kids and someone buys them a drum for a birthday present, that someone probably doesn’t like you very much.

If you’re making a trip to the hardware store, you have to listen to classic rock or country music that was recorded before 1980 by men who were not wearing lipstick.  Listening to Rascal Flatts or Nickelback will ruin the entire experience.

1 out of 5 American boys between the ages of 1 and 13 are named Peyton.

Never trust statistics, especially when you read them on the internet.