How to Win a Fight: Eight Steps to Victory

You don’t know what’s going to happen this weekend.  Things could get crazy.  You could get into a fight.  I hope you don’t but you might.  If you do, this video and study guide will help you.  Thank me later.

Step One: If you already have a weapon, throw it away.  It will just get in your way and someone could get hurt.  Even if your opponent has a weapon, throw yours away.  Let’s be gentlemanly here.

Step Two: Gently hit your opponent in the back.  Stay away from his extremities.

Step Three: Let him have your leg.

Step Four: Let him hug you.  For a very long time.

Step Five: When he’s finally dazed, don’t run away.  Give him time to regain his composure.

Step Six: Pick up something way too heavy.  Don’t worry, when it comes time to use it, you’ll get some extra strength to throw it, I don’t know, 30 yards or so.

Step Seven: While he’s picking up something heavy, don’t run away.  Maybe he just wants to sit on it so the two of you can talk things out over coffee and the book of James.

Step Eight:  Okay, whatever man.  Just run.