Five Things

Five Things You Will Never Hear Me Say

1.  “I haven’t had any time to go hunting this year.  I’ve spent all my free time working on my truck and watching WNBA games.”

2.  “That new P!ink song really moved me.”

3.  “If the weather stays nice I might go get a hook wet later this week.”

4.  “Boys!  Stop being so quiet.”

5.  “That girl on The Bachelorette is one classy lady.”

Five Things No Wal-Mart Employee Has Ever Said

1.  “Sorry, we don’t sell camouflage underwear.”

2.  “Can I help you?”

3.  “So if I understand you correctly, you’re saying that you don’t like standing behind 37 other people in the only functioning check out line.  I feel your pain.  Dale, open up the other 60 check out lines.  These people have got places to go.”

4.  “Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to put on some clothes before coming in here.  No sir, your bathrobe doesn’t count as clothes.”

5.  “Thank you for shopping with us, Mr. President.  Please come again.”

Five Things You Will Hear At Wal-Mart

1.  “Look!  The S on the sign at Wal-Marts must have fallen off.”

2.  “John Walter!  If you don’t put that gun back I’ll knock you from here to the potato chip aisle.”

3.  “There’s a good parking spot, baby.  But when you pull in, take up both spaces.  We don’t want nobody dinging up the Mustang.”

4.  “You stay here and pick out your engagement ring while I go get the Funyuns and Big K Cola.”

5.  “Thank you for shopping with us, Mr. Kid Rock.  Please come again.”

Five Words and Phrases You Will Use During Vacation Bible School That You Would Otherwise Never Say

1.  March

“Let’s march to the craft room.”

Unless you’re a drill instructor for the U.S. Army you never tell someone to march.  Do they have craft rooms in the U.S. Army?

2.  Craft

“Sheila, where’s your husband?”

“Craft time with the boys again.  You know how they are.”

3.  Activity

“Let’s go to our next activity.”

What exactly constitutes an activity and why does it sound so boring?

4.  Criss-cross apple sauce

“Everyone sit down criss-cross apple sauce.”

This was known as sitting indian style until Rage Against the Machine made us come up with something else.  This is the best we could do.

It has been scientifically proven impossible for anyone over the age of 4 to use the phrase criss-cross apple sauce while maintaining a straight face.

5.  Streeeeeeeeeeetch.

“Okay, everyone reach for the sky.  Streeeeeeeeeetch.”

Across denominational lines, if there’s one constant at VBS it’s that kids will be asked to streeeeeeeeetch.  How’s that for some unity?