Five essential elements of a successful yard sale: southern edition
1. When placing signs around town advertising your yard sale, be sure to misspell something on the sign. You can’t go wrong with Yard Sail.
2. One more thing with the sign. Be sure to find one that has already been used. The front can say Yard Sail but the back needs to say something like Baby Kittens 4 Sale with a big X over it. This is called recycling.
“Baby, you want’n me to throwd this Baby Kittens 4 Sale sign away?”
“No shoog. We got a yard sale coming up soon. We gonna need it.”
3. Don’t bother with cutting the grass in the yard hosting the yard sale. This way, shoppers may find a few surprises, like a snake. Or a Trans Am.
4. Don’t forget the 8-track player with Foghat stuck inside. You’d be surprised at the demand for this kind of thing.
5. If nobody buys that faded orange number 20 Tony Stewart lawn chair, do not dare take that thing back inside. Leave it right out by the road. Somebody’s going to want that. Always remember the southern yard sale motto: If nobody bought it on Saturday, somebody might want it on Thursday. Leave it in the yard.
Five things toddlers say to themselves everyday
1. “Hey look, it’s 5:45 in the morning! Time to get up.”
2. “The green beans are poisoned. No matter what they tell you, do not eat the green beans.”
3. “Me! Me! More attention on me. What am I, a chopped liver? None of this has anything to do with me. Let’s get back to me!” Editor’s Note: Kanye West, the Kardashians, candidates for president and half of your Facebook friends also say this to themselves on a daily basis.
4. “Okay, we’re running late. Now is a perfect time for me to say that I have to do a number two.”
5. “Ask them if we’re there yet. Okay, do it again. Again. One more time. And one more time. Last time. Again…”
Five lines from the movie Tombstone that you should never use while being issued a speeding ticket
1. “Listen Mr. Kansas Law Dog. Law don’t go around here. Savvy?”
2. “You’re different. No arguin’ that. But you’re a lady alright. I’d take my oath on it.”
3. “You skin that smoke wagon and we’ll see what happens!”
4. “I’m gettin’ tired of all your gas, now jerk that pistol and go to work!”
5. “Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself.”