Googling for Answers

If you go to Google and type in the word cheeseburgers, you’ll probably be directed to the website for Burger King.  If you type in something about the classic 80s film Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo or the possibility of Dusty Rhodes being a serial killer, you will be directed to my blog.

I couldn’t be more proud.

Below are 15 of my favorite phrases that inquiring minds have typed into search engines before being directed to my blog.  I have not changed the phrases in any way and, in an act of service to the community, I have attempted to answer each question.

15.  if you know to much about the illuminati will they come to your house

Yes.  But the Illuminati, as everyone knows, is allergic to cats.  If they find out that you have a cat, they’re gone in no time.

14.  where does tommy wildfire rich live

Right next door to Abdullah the Butcher.

13.  free drugs for everyone all the time

Thanks for reading the blog, Ms. Lohan.

12.  dusty rhodes serial killer

You may be on to something.

11.  jason sanders gospel songwritter

Exactly.  Of all the gospel songs I’ve ever written, this one is my favorite.

10.  ireworks, bootleg movies, teddy bears, teddy bears for all my kids

Come again?

9.  how does turbo walk upside down in breakin 2

Red Bull.  But that’s not the point.  The real issue here is how this movie got absolutely zero love from the Oscar folks.  The guy is dancing on the ceiling!  I’ve never seen Pacino or Hanks do that.  There should be an asterisk placed by the name of every 1985 Oscar winner.

8.  what wrestler became a pastor

At the moment, 53% of all former wrestlers are pastors.  Sadly, this man never became one before he died.

7.  dave chappelle illuminati cigarettes

This sounds like a really bad sales pitch.

“If you’re looking for a smooth flavor with a little kick, try new Dave Chappelle Illuminati Cigarettes.”

6.  does leonardo dicaprio like the show little house on the prairie?

If only I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that question.  For the last time, the answer is no.  Leo is more of a Punky Brewster fan.

5.  how much anxiety is in a security guard job

Plenty.  You try being authoritative while wearing tight shorts and riding on a Segway scooter.

4.  jason l sanders personal trainer

Again, if only I had a dollar for every time someone asked me if I was a personal trainer.

3.  associations who use older fat men can get into pro wrestling

Old, fat men as pro wrestlers?  Nonsense!  Never heard of it.

2.  in breakin 2 is turbo an alien?

Do normal people dance on the ceiling?  No.

Do aliens dance on the ceiling?  I’m not sure but probably.

I think I’ve proven my point.

1.  how to notice a serial killer

There’s a three step process to figuring this out.

Step One: Is he quiet, usually keeping to himself?

Step Two: Is he highly intelligent?

Step Three: Did he have anything to do with this commercial?

Keep Googling!