An Open Letter to the GOP

Thanks for pulling away from listening to Hannity to read my letter.  I’ll do my best to make it worth your time.

I know that the past seven days have been difficult for you.  In the days leading up to the election gas prices were through the roof, the Middle East was on fire, your target audience was alienated and everyone in New Jersey was standing in line for gas.  The presidential election was yours to lose and, well, you lost it.

The game was in your hands.  You were at the free throw line with 0:20 seconds remaining.  But somehow, instead of sinking the easy basket and cutting down the net, you managed to miss the entire backboard and hit the old lady on the fourth row.  She’s recovering nicely but thinking about never attending another basketball game.  Well done.

Here are some things to consider for next time around.

First, stop taking advice from the progressives.  For years they have been saying that Republicans can never win a presidential election because they are too conservative.

“Conservatives,” they say, “can never win until they adopt policies that are more in line with ours.”

This is sort of like the fisherman telling the fish that he needs to spend more time hanging around shiny hooks.

But, for some reason, you keep listening to them.  And that leads right in to the next concern I would like to bring to your attention.

Could you please stop making us choose between the lesser of two evils?  Personally, I don’t vote that way.  I would much rather write-in Macho Man Randy Savage than vote for a so-called conservative that wants me to pay the bill for a company’s poor business decisions and thinks that killing babies and snooping through my e-mails is a good idea.  But a lot of good people who care about our country feel like they have to go with the lesser of two evils.

This lesser of two evils is usually always a candidate that masquerades as a conservative but in reality cares more about launching missiles and flying drones over my house than protecting my rights.

Usually, as was the case last week, the lesser of two evils looses (See also: John McCain).  But the presumed less evil candidate did manage to get elected a couple of times and went on to give us a few wonderful little gifts like the Patriot Act, No Child Left Behind and a massive bailout.  Diet Evil, it turns out, is still pretty evil.

This less evil approach has led many to believe that the GOP, at least at the national level, is run by rich cowards that care more about making money than they do helping the country (see Karl Rove).  It has turned your party into The Waffle House.  Nobody plans on going to The Waffle House.  You just kind of end up there at 3:17 in the morning because nothing else is open.  And you feel and smell really bad when you’re done.

But The Waffle House makes a pretty nice profit for itself from people like this.  And so do you.

Here’s to hoping that you leave the profit making to the producers that you talk so much about and start paying more attention to our ever deteriorating Constitution.

Thanks for reading.  Now you can get back to Hannity.

I’m going to the Waffle House.