Rewriting History: Red Dawn

In a few more days the remake of Red Dawn will be released.  If you’re not familiar with the first Red Dawn, I’ll wait a minute while you either watch it or renounce your citizenship.

Okay, good to have you back.

Just to let you you know, the first Red Dawn won zero Oscars.  I know, I know.  It seems almost impossible that a movie containing Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen got no love from the Academy.  Terrible.

If you plan on watching the newer, hipper, hopefully better acted version of Red Dawn you should be warned.  Remakes always take a few too many freedoms in changing the original plot in order to relate to a new audience.  America is not the same country that it was in the mid 1980s when the first Red Dawn was released.  Here are a few of the changes we should be expecting.

1.  Transportation and Weapons

In the first movie, Jed drove a truck with all of his friends tagging along in the back.  They all had guns.  Now, guns are out of style.  And so are trucks.  Too offensive.

So get used to seeing Jed and the boys riding around in a Toyota Prius with a can of pepper spray mounted to the hood.

2.  The Battle Cry

Before everything went sideways, these kids went to a normal high school.  Some of them even played football.  The mascot of the football team was a wolverine.  When the war started and these guys did something cool to the bad guys, they would use that mascot as their battle cry.

“Wolverines!”

Not today, my friend.  High school football has been banned in all but maybe three or four states and The US Department of Media and Animal Justice has made it clear that no animals will be used in association with war or any other form of violence.  Snow Dogs and that movie about the dolphin that got a fake tail is as far as it goes.

This time around, after pepper spraying an enemy tank, the gang will yell out something a little more in line with the times.

“Universal healthcare for all!  And free tuition!  And how about a cell phone too, while your at it?!”

It kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?

3.  The Fighting

We were allowed to fight the enemy in the 1980s.  But not now.  Are you crazy?!

The pepper spray is just to help subdue the enemy so that he can be sued by the people whose cars were damaged during the attack.  But as we all know, this villain will never make it to trial.

Instead, he’ll run as the GOP nominee for president of the United States of America.

And he’ll get a lot of votes too.

Lesser of two evils, you know.

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