If you live in California, you have to pay $4.50 of taxes for every $1.00 that you earn. In the midwest right now, the temperature is hovering right around 13 degrees. And in the northeast you’re not allowed to drink anything other than water without being questioned by the United States Sugar Reformation (USSR). So that’s why everybody wants to relocate to the south.
When you get here, you’re not going to have a clue what we’re saying unless you get The Southern Lexicon. Version 5.0 promises to be just as helpful as the previous four.
You can thank me later.
Baid Can’t Sir – A terrible disease
“Look yunder, it’s Lu Ann. You know she’s got real baid can’t sir.”
It’s important to know that in the south there are different kinds of cancer. Basically, bad cancer is what happens to you or somebody that you like. Normal cancer is what happens to someone you’ve never met. Good cancer is what happens to your neighbor’s dog.
Coo-pun – A piece of paper that helps you to save money at the store
“Ma’am, the price for today’s dental work is going to come to $460.99.”
“Will y’all take a coo-pun?”
Not every store accepts coupons but Wal-Mart does. That’s why people in the south prefer taking care of their medical, dental and optical needs at Wal-Mart. It’s our own version of healthcare reform.
Strode – spread out
“What happened to yo foot, Delbert?”
“I stepped on one of dem yungun’s Lay-goes. Dem kids got dey Kruh-smuss strode out all over da place.”
Kay-ren – an emotional state of being; a woman’s name
“I just don’t know Delbert. It’s like you just quit kay-ren ’bout me.”
“I’m sorry Kay-ren. I promise to do better.”
Sarah-dee – A day of the week reserved for fishing and removing engines from trucks
“Delbert, you busy this weekend?”
“Yup. Takin’ Kay-ren to the Dairy Queen on Sarah-dee to celebrate the six week anniversary since she had that restrainin’ order against me lifted.”
Be very careful with days of the week. At some point you’ll end up asking a southerner about an event that is coming up in the future and things can get tricky, even for a life long southerner. Here’s an example.
“Excuse me sir, could you please tell me when you will be having your yard sale?”
“Shore thang. It’ll be Sarah-dee week.”
That either means that the yard sale happened last Saturday, it will happen this Saturday or it will happen a week from this Saturday. Basically, you have a one in three chance of making it to the yard sale. But whatever you do, don’t bother asking what this phrase means.
“Sarah-dee week? Why whatever does that mean?”
“You know. Sarah-dee week.”
Code – temperature
“I can’t believe they still make us take our cigarette break outside in Feb-ary. It’s code out here.”
Gay-us – fuel
“Delbert, how come you quit comin’ to church?”
“Man, with gay-us the way it is, I just can’t ‘ford it. And plus that preacher’s always wantin’ my money and he won’t take no coo-pun.”
Enjoy your stay down south!