The Last Super Bowl

Football is king.

But probably not for long.

Baltimore Ravens safety Bernard Pollard said this week that he thinks that the NFL may not be around in 30 years.  This is a bold statement from a man who is known as one of the hardest hitters in the league and who is about to play in the Super Bowl.

But I have to disagree with Pollard.

I think that football as we know it today won’t make it another ten years.

Here’s why.

1.  Increasing violence.  In baseball and basketball, a lot of the players take some combination of steroids and crack cocaine.  This doesn’t make you violent.  It just makes you hit a ball really far and not know how to fight.

Not so in football.

A lot of football players take something called deer antler spray.  You may not know it but deer are very violent animals.  What do you think they do with those antlers?  Deer antler spray is second only to rattlesnake juice on the list of banned substances that make you act violently.  Don’t be surprised when you find out that the winning team of this weekend’s Super Bowl has some connection to a farm in Loutahatchee, Alabama that raises deer and rattlesnakes.

2.  Clemson.  Football’s problems aren’t confined to the NFL.  Just take a look at Clemson.  Most of their games are played at 9:41 on a Friday night and aired on ESPN’s Al Jazeera network.  This is not good for football.  Watching a Clemson game has been known to make even the biggest football fan want to give up the game for good and start watching Honey Boo Boo instead.  By the way, unlike Clemson, at least Honey Boo Boo… Well, come to think of it, there’s not a lot of difference between watching Honey Boo Boo and a Clemson game.

3.  President Obama.  This is the most important reason that football won’t be around in ten years.  A few days ago the president said that if he had a son he may not let him play football.  This is a perfectly legitimate statement for a father to make.  The only problem is that the president isn’t just some father.  He’s the president.  And when he makes statements like this, you can usually expect a few dozen new federal laws to work their way in and ruin the good thing that was the NFL.

It goes like this.

The NFL is quickly becoming a very dangerous league where men put deer antler spray on themselves and swallow rattlesnake juice.  This makes them do crazy and violent things.  The public starts to feel guilty about watching this so they ask the president to fix it.  Asking the president to fix stuff has quickly passed baseball and football on our nation’s list of national pastimes.  As a result, the president will appoint a new government agency to improve the NFL.  He’ll call it Americans Working for Football Unity and Love.  AWFUL for short.

Here’s what the AWFUL will give us.

1.  When a quarterback lines up a few yards behind the center, we are no longer allowed to call it the shotgun formation.  Don’t you realize how offensive the word shotgun is?  What’s wrong with you?  The new name will be Leading from Behind for Hope, Change and Smart Phones for All formation.  I just can’t wait to hear Al Michaels say, “Brady lines up in the Leading from Behind for Hope, Change and Smart Phones for all formation.”

2.  Fumbles are no longer to be frowned upon.  In fact, they are now encouraged.  What kind of a close-minded sport teaches kids to keep things?  Now points will be given for fumbling.  At the end of the game, the team with the most points has to give 60% of their points to league officials.  The team with the fewest points wins.

3.  No more hitting, tackling or aggressive blocking.  Instead, defenders will be encouraged to just talk to their opponents.  The Dallas Cowboys have been doing this for years so they should have no problem adjusting to the new rules.

So enjoy the big game this Sunday night.

It may not be the last Super Bowl.

But it just might be the last Super Bowl you care to watch.

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