The first Valentine’s Day celebration took place on February 14, 1950 when the CEO of The Hallmark Greeting Card Company, Jimmy “The Grifter” Valentine, noticed that sales were slumping since Christmas and that they probably wouldn’t pick up again until Mother’s Day.
“People just don’t buy greeting cards for dead presidents like they used to. I know, let’s invent a holiday!” Jimmy “The Grifter” Valentine; February 1, 1950
The rest is romantic history.
Gentlemen, despite the shady beginnings of this holiday, you still have to play the game. It’s sort of like when a little kid runs up to you at the gas station, with tears in his eyes, and asks for a few bucks so he and his paw can make it the rest of the way down to Florida to find work. You know that “paw” is parked behind the gas station in his custom El Camino with mag wheels, a full tank of gas and Intimidator written on the top of the windshield. Your intuition tells you that you’re being had. But you still play along. You have to. No choice.
“Here you go kid. Have fun in Florida. Bring me back a t-shirt.”
So here are a couple of ways to help you to not only play the Valentine’s Day game but to excel at it. All-pro. Elite. Top Drawer.
1. Take her to wrestling matches.
The chances are high that the lady in your life does not care about professional wrestling. If she does, you just made her year. If you could somehow manage to get one of those Intimidator stickers to put on the top of the windshield on her Monte Carlo you would be set for life.
But if she doesn’t like professional wrestling, this gift can still work to your advantage as long as you’re smart. Don’t take her to the big time professional wrestling. Instead, take her to the small, regional matches that they have at places like the National Guard Armory or Big Ronnie’s Wheels ‘N Dealz. All of the guys in these wrestling matches appear to be in their mid 90s, have bleached blond hair and don’t wear shirts.
By the time the evening is over, she’ll think that you’re cuter than that dude that played Ponch on CHiPs.
2. Take her someplace nice to eat.
There are two ways go with this one. First, you could go to a real, real nice place. A sit-down restaurant. I’m thinking someplace like Shoney’s, if they still have one in your town. If the Shoney’s has closed down, it probably has a new name. One like Geraldine’s International Eatery. Don’t let this stop you. It’s the same classy building and the same basic food, only more international. Also, the church that meets in there on Sunday mornings has added a nice touch to the place. Either way, the classy approach lets her know that you will spare no expense for her. That salad bar ain’t cheap, I don’t care whose name is on the sign outside.
The second route could backfire but, with a little strategy, you could come out looking like a champ.
For $7.49, two people can eat an entire meal and have enough leftovers to feed another 26 people. Oh, and they have tables and chairs inside of these restaurants too so technically she’ll still be able to tell her friends that you took her “to one of them fancy sit-down restaurants.”
If, after the meal, she seems upset, perhaps even a bit unfulfilled, say something like this.
“Baby Doll, my love for you is so deep that I have decided to save our money for a more special date 25 years from now. Dave Ramsey style, baby.”
Wives love it when their husbands make sacrifices to save money. It reminds them that we’re forward thinking.
But if this doesn’t work, don’t panic. Just make her feel guilty.
“Sugar Pop, I just can’t imagine paying $20 for a meal with so many starving kids in the world. Now, we have $12.51 and enough food left over to feed 26 of those starving kids.”
There’s nothing that a woman finds more romantic than a man who cares about starving kids. This is why Brad Pitt is so popular.
If she still seems upset, it’s probably just the new Bacon Cheese Krystal combo disagreeing with her.
This is to be expected and there’s nothing that you can do about it.
Come to think of it, maybe you should just take her to Geraldine’s International Eatery.
Happy Jimmy “The Grifter” Valentine’s Day!