An Exegetical Analysis of Every Single Episode of The Biggest Loser

The Biggest Loser is an NBC reality show about people who are tying to lose weight.  It airs once a week and each episode lasts for 15 hours.  Something like that.

If you’ve ever missed an episode, or if you ever will, here’s the low down.

1.  Jillian Michaels yelled at someone.

No, you don’t understand.  I mean really yelled.  Like, Full Metal Jacket yelled.  For some reason, Jillian continues to be surprised when a man that’s getting pretty close to tipping the scales at 950 pounds doesn’t want to do another jumping jack.

2.  Someone cries.

People don’t like getting yelled at by Jillian Michaels.  It makes them cry.  This always leads to a counseling session that goes a little something like this.

Jillian: “DO ANOTHER JUMPING JACK!!!!!!!!!!

Contestant: “I can’t.”

Jillian: “SMH!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Contestant: (crying) “I have trust issues that date back to my early teen years when my dad made us get rid of the dog.  Since that day all I’ve wanted to do is lay around and eat doughnuts.”

Jillian: (compassionate whisper) “It’s time you start thinking more about yourself.”

Contestant: (smiling) “Good point.  Now let’s do that jumping jack!”

3.  Someone gets all self-righteous.

The gang gets to leave the Biggest Loser campus for a nice meal at Chili’s.  When they place their order, they make sure to let the waitress know that the regular menu items simply will not do.

“I’ll have the Southwest Chicken Crispers but I’m going to need you to empty out the cooking oil that you normally use and replace it with fish oil.  Oh, and instead of using chicken, I’m going to need you to fry up a small lamb.  And I’ll have a Coke Zero with that.”

Jillian couldn’t be more proud.

4.  Some celebrity shows up to inspire all of the contestants.

But don’t worry.  You’ve never heard of him.

“Oh my gosh!  It’s Don Lewis, celebrity chef!”

5.  Someone gets voted off.

And they cry a lot.  Too much.  And then you see them at home inspiring their kids who, most likely, will be on the show next season.

6.  You get hungry.

Don’t worry about this.  It happens to everyone.  There’s just something about this show that makes you want to eat a doughnut.  Embrace this desire.  If you’re lucky, you just might get to be on the show next season.