Summer is almost here and it’s important for you to know what to expect. If you live in the south, you can expect really hot weather. But the hot weather has its way of bringing other things along with it. Like people. Here’s your warning.
You’ll know him when you meet him. Trust me. You’ll start up some conversation about the weather and know exactly who you’re dealing with.
You: “Sure is a nice day.”
The Complainer: “I guess. But we sure do need some rain. I’ve never seen it this bad. We’re all gonna die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Two weeks later.
You: “Sure is nice to get all of this rain. We really needed it.”
The Complainer: “I guess. But _____________________ (Insert: “it’s not nearly enough.” or “we didn’t need this much all at once.”) I’ve never seen it this bad. We’re all gonna die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the person that’s just a little too happy about it being summer. It’s the same guy who, during the winter months, frequents the local Golden Corral and Wal-Mart in his pajamas. In the summer, he still visits Golden Corral and Wal-Mart but he does so in his bathing suit. The one he wore in the third grade. When he was 200 pounds lighter. And by “bathing suit”, I mean cutoff jean shorts.
To finish off this little fashion statement, The Nudist is wearing his Crocks, only now without socks what with it being so hot outside and all.
In the south, it’s hard to make it through the summer without spotting a snake. Snakes like to surprise you. Dogs can be annoying but at least they give you some advanced warning. Snakes have a way of just appearing. And when they do appear and you tell the story about it later on, The Protector is usually somewhere within earshot.
You: “And then I looked down and there it was. Man, it must have been 6 feet long.”
Your Friends at the Table with You: “No way. I hope you killed it.”
The Protector (seated three tables over): “Excuse me. I know that you don’t know me but I just happened to overhear your conversation and, judging by your description, it sounds as though you were talking about the Western Ridge Spotted Common Snake. You know that it’s against federal law to kill those, right?”
You: “But it was wrapped around my car and spitting at my infant son.”
At this point, The Protector turns into Sally Struthers and starts trying to make you feel sorry for the Western Ridge Spotted Common Snake.
The Protector: “Please don’t ever kill this snake. It helps to keep the bad snakes away and the oils from its skin helps to regulate blood pressure in men over 50. In fact, for just the price of a cup of coffee you could sponsor your very own Western Ridge Spotted Common Snake.”
Never, ever sponsor a snake. It’ll come back to… never mind. Just don’t do it.
But if you really want to give some money away maybe you could buy a new Florida Gators tank top for The Nudist to wear with his “bathing suit.”
Have a great summer!
It’s been great sitting next to you in English class all year!