Don’t panic. This happens all the time. If you can keep your cool and follow these simple steps, you’ll be out of this tight spot and the country will resume their fascination with The Voice in no time.
1. Play dumb.
Sure, you had to act like the smartest man in the world to get the position you currently have and are currently fighting to keep but now is not the time for that. Now you have to be dumb.
Random Congressman with an annoying fixation on justice: “Mr. Chairman, the 12 e-mails ordering the execution of all children under the age of two had your electronic signature on them. Did you authorize these e-mails?”
You: “What is an electronic signature? And I’m only 85% sure what you mean by e-mail.”
2. Repeat the question being asked of you so that, hopefully, it will look like the investigative committee is actually being questioned by you.
Random Congresswoman using this an an opportunity to look presidential: “Mr. Chairman, why did you send out an interoffice memo ordering that ice-cream be declared a weapon of mass destruction?”
You: “Why did you send out an interoffice memo ordering that ice-cream be declared a weapon of mass destruction?”
Note: Keep repeating this question with increasing volume. At first it will look like you’re just trying to process but, as you get louder, people will suddenly think that the congresswoman is the one who wanted ice cream declared as a weapon of mass destruction.
3. Get mad.
This always works because it makes you simultaneously look like a victim and John Wayne. People will think that you’re being picked on and that you’ve finally had enough and aren’t going to take anymore. People love that kind of thing.
Random Congressman hoping that his e-mails from June of 1997 to April of 2004 were not read by the government: “Mr. Chairman, who from your office ordered the secret execution of the white guy with the afro on The Joy of Painting?”
You: “This is absurd!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe these accusations!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SMH!!!!!!!!!!”
4. Blame Bush.
Random Congresswoman from Maine that no one would otherwise hear about had it not been for these hearings: “Who from your office allowed another Fast and Furious movie to be made?”
You: “My office! What? Why don’t you ask George Bush? It was all his fault.”
And by following these simple steps, you should be off the hot seat and back to ruining our country in no time.