Making the Case for Gun Control

A lot of people are worried about guns. Mainly because guns are loud and scary. Thankfully, as Americans, we have the right to live in a country where things that are loud and scary are banned by the government. And that just makes the world a better place. You wouldn’t want the world to not be a better place, would you? That’s what I thought.

But if having a happier, safer world isn’t enough motivation for you to hand your guns over, maybe this will help.

1. The Celebrity Factor

Mark Wahlberg is in favor of gun control. Mr. Wahlberg used to be known as Marky Mark. Mr. Marky Mark. Now he makes a living by playing a tough kid from the wrong side of the tracks in south Boston. What’s not to like about that? Oh, and his brother is one of the New Kids on the Block. Always follow a guy whose brother is in the New Kids in the Block. It will take you places.

John Legend also supports gun control. John Legend is a singer. Sure, there are only 13 people on the planet who know what John Legend sings but he’s still a singer. And those 13 people live in loft apartments much, much cooler than your house. Listen to them. Listen to John Legend. Hand over your weapon.

2. The Hired Guns

Our taxes pay for people to carry guns in order to keep us safe. They’re called the police. If you’re already paying taxes for the police to have guns, why would you want to have your own gun? So see there, having a gun is just a poor economic choice.

To be fair, a word of caution is needed here. You may not want to live in Oregon or other places where budget cuts have led to an understaffed police force. But if you decide to live in such places, there’s always the 911 operator who is sure to give you solid advice while a crazed, armed maniac breaks into your gun-free zone otherwise known as a house.

“Obviously if he comes inside the residence and assaults you, you can ask him to go away.”

Obviously. Who didn’t know that?

You: “Sir, are you trying to break into my house and assault me?”

Armed Criminal: “Yes. Yes I am.”

You: “Well, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Armed Criminal: “Dangit! Foiled again. And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you and your pesky requests.”

Problem solved. And not a shot was fired.

3. The World Is On Our Side

Secretary of State John Kerry has promised that he will sign, against the objections of Congress, an international treaty with the U.N. that could significantly restrict gun rights in this country. The U.N. is a very diverse global organization. 75% of the member nations are led by tyrants. The other 25% are scared of those tyrants. Now that’s diversity! What’s not to trust?

Also, as if that weren’t enough, have you seen the statue outside of the U.N. offices in New York? It’s a giant handgun with a knot tied in the barrel. In case you’ve never seen a Looney Tunes cartoon, guns with knots tied in the barrel cannot fire. The typical conservative response to gun control is that it would allow only criminals to have guns. Maybe. But, if the U.N. is allowed to have its way, those remaining guns in the hands of criminals will all have knots tied in them. How’s that for peace of mind?

So there you have it. A better world is right at our doorstep. And all you have to do is stop clinging to your guns and start clinging to your government instead. Trust me, they’re looking out for you.

Well, unless you work at the American embassy in Libya.

Or you have somehow managed to get on the wrong side of the IRS.

Or you have an e-mail account.

Or you haven’t been born yet.

Or you were only born 12 minutes ago.

Or you need a lung transplant.

Or someone thinks that you might possibly could be perhaps a terrorist.

But other than that, you should be just fine without your guns. Just hand them over. What’s the worst that could happen?