Coming Your Way: A Whole New Batch of Government Scandals

It’s a new week and that means that there will be about three or four new scandals coming out of Washington D.C. Here’s what you can expect.

Scandal #1 – An anonymous whistleblower informs a German newspaper that the government has spent the past 12 years pumping the nation’s water supply full of anthrax, DDT and that crust that gathers on the inside corner of a kitty litter box.

The Government’s Response – “Hey, terrorists drink water too and if just one terrorist is stopped by this, isn’t it all worth it?”

The People’s Response – “I never drink water. I’m more of a Red Bull person.”

Scandal #2 – A low-level employee with the Food and Drug Administration leaks information revealing that 86% of the milk purchased in the country over the past decade has come from rats.

The Government’s Response – “This sweeping, highly organized scheme of replacing regular cow milk with that of rats is the work of a janitor at our Dothan, Alabama offices. We just found out about it.”

The People’s Response – “Like I said, I’m more of a Red Bull person.”

Scandal #3 – A court clerk reveals that three, maybe four, of the Supreme Court justices are actually robots that were developed and programmed by Google. Googlebots, if you will. With every ten thousand Google searches, each of the Googlebots takes away another constitutional right.

The Government’s Response – “If you would just perform a simple Google search, you would see, in the results of that Google search, that there is absolutely no corporate influence in the United States Google. I mean Government. United States Google. Dangit! I said it again. USA! USA! USA!”

The People’s Response – “USA! USA! USA!”

Scandal #4 – In order to reduce energy consumption, the administration decides to cancel The Bachelorette, Two Broke Girls and The Voice.

The Government’s Response – “Aren’t there enough shows about young hipsters living in apartments, people trying to date each other and moderately talented singers trying to hit it big?”

The People’s Response – “SMH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Viva la revolucion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

So, before the end of the week, you might want to stock up on canned foods and ammo. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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