A Practical Guide for Undercover Racists

So you’re a racist but you don’t want to admit it. And you certainly don’t want anyone to find out. Here are a few steps to help you continue with your racism while still looking like an all-accepting, all-loving member of society.

1. Make a point to let everyone know that you’re not a racist. 

This disclaimer pretty much gives you a free pass to say whatever joke or social commentary you want.

Joke: “I’m not racist but have you heard the joke about the (insert despised race here) guy that went for a job interview?”

Social Commentary: “I’m not racist but did that family really have to move in on this street?”

2. Along with announcing the fact that you are not a racist, be sure to list all of the colors of the people you do accept.

Here’s how it works.

Step One: List a bunch of colors. It doesn’t even matter if most of those colors do not make an appearance in the human race.

“You can be green, red, purple or orange…”

Step Two: Announce your acceptance.

“…I don’t care…”

Step Three: Finish off with the fine print.

“…just as long as you speak (insert your language) and don’t listen to (insert the type of music most often associated with your most hated race).”

Here’s an example.

“You can be green, red, purple or orange, I don’t care, just as long as you talk like an American and don’t listen to rap.”

And here’s the translation.

“I don’t guess I really care what color you are just as long as you act like me.”

3. Inform everyone within hearing distance that some of your closest friends happen to be members of the race that you hate the most.

Maybe you said something that sort of sounded racist. Maybe it was full blown racist. Fear not. Just saying that you have “tons of black friends” or that “you love being around white people” should make it all go away and have you back to looking respectable in no time.

Here’s a list of just a few of the people from a variety of races who you can call your “friends.” Take your pick, don’t be afraid to be creative and remember that you don’t have to actually know someone to consider them your friend.

– That nice lady that works at the bank. I think her name is Shelia.

– The mailman.

– Joel Osteen.

– Will Smith.

– Salma Hayek.

4. Assume that everyone who disagrees with you is doing so because they are a racist.

This should go a long way in taking attention away from the fact that you are, well, a racist. Here’s how it works.

Guy 1: “Lebron James is the greatest of all-time.”

Guy 2: “I think Michael Jordan was better because he made the people around him better instead of just jumping ship and joining up with two guys who were already all-stars. Plus, Jordan didn’t disappear in the fourth quarter of meaningful games.”

Guy 1: “You racist.”


Dealing with your own issues can get messy and who’s got time for that when you can just cover them up?

But there is another option.

The gospel.

The gospel frees us from covering up our sins, no matter how horrific those sins may be.

I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 1 Timothy 1:12-15 (ESV)

Instead of naively hoping for a day when we can all “look past the color of one another’s skin” or “be color blind”, the gospel helps us to live this life in preparation for the next life where God’s ransomed people from “every tribe and language and people and nation” will sing the praises of Jesus (Revelation 5:9).

There is no government program that can fix the racial divide in this country. Apart from the cross all of our best efforts are just attempts to keep our hidden prejudices undercover.

Only the cross can bring the healing that we need.

It is at the cross where we see Jesus demonstrating his love for people who are very different from him.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 (ESV)

And it is at the cross where we find the motivation to follow Christ’s example in loving those who are very different from us.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 4:32-5:2 (ESV)