The First Married Second Grader on the Varsity Wrestling Team

School is starting back soon and we’ve got big plans for our oldest son.

Really big plans.

First on our agenda is sports, where we’re shooting for the stars. Only the best for our son. That’s why he’ll be trying out for the varsity wrestling team this year. Sure, he’s only in the second grade but why should that stop him from following his dreams? Haven’t you ever watched one of those sitcoms on The Disney Channel? Those kids are real young and they get to do all kinds of stuff. Why should my son be any different?

The school has given us some negative feedback but that’s just because those people are backwards and still think that the world needs boundaries. They have yet to realize that it’s 2013 and kids have rights too. I mean it’s in our Constitution somewhere. Or is it the Declaration of Independence? Whatever. It doesn’t matter. All I know is that small children have the right to wrestle for the varsity team and I’m pretty sure that Abraham Lincoln would agree with me. I’m certain that Jesus would. Didn’t he say, “Let the children come unto me”? Apparently that verse isn’t in the varsity wrestling coach’s Bible.

The good news is that Geraldo has asked us to come on his show to explain the persecution we’ve experienced at the hands of our son’s unjust school. Let’s just hope that Geraldo is wearing a shirt. He may have gotten away with that sort of thing back in the 90s when he did that Rico Suave video but those days are gone. You’re 70 now, Geraldo!

It looks like we’ll also have a wedding to plan for during this school year. Our firstborn has fell in love and it looks like the feeling is mutual. Yes, again, he’s only in the second grade. And yes, his significant other is a 32-year-old waitress named Thelma. But they both really do love each other. Isn’t that enough?

It is for Mariah Carey.

“If two people want to get married, it’s their prerogative — we hope. Everybody should be able to do what they want to do and be in the pursuit of happiness.”

And it is for our First Lady, Michelle Obama.

“If proud Americans can be who they are and boldly stand at the altar with who they love…then surely, surely we can give everyone in this country a fair chance at that American dream.”

So it’s good enough for me too. If the lady who is like the greatest singer in the history of music and another lady who is practically the president tell me that love is enough, then love is enough. Besides, they’re both always so well dressed. What’s there to disagree with? Well, unless you’re some backwards religious wing nut who knows nothing of real love. Or fashion.

But with all of these big dreams for our son, we’ve got to make sure that he’s safe. It’s kind of hard to be the first married second grader to wrestle for the varsity team if you’re dead. That’s why we’re taking every possible step to ensure that our child is secure. We’ve settled on two instruments that will help us to live our lives through our son for many, many years to come.

First, there’s what we call The Dome of Love and Safety. One of the neighbors called it a cage but we had her put away for hate speech. Now she’s in her own little Dome of Love and Safety down in Cuba. Anyway, we put our son in the cage… sorry, Dome, every day when he gets home from school and take him out every morning before school. Being in captivity… sorry, security, ensures that he will be protected from everything from a scraped knee to an electromagnetic pulse.

The politicians are always saying that if just one child is saved by their new laws, it was all worth it. I agree. Just as long as that one child is mine.

The protection doesn’t stop there. He’s got to leave the Dome sometime because the idiots in charge of his school really don’t want him to wrestle in it. Our lawyers are working on that one. But for now, it’s important to make sure that he’s safe while he’s not in his cage… there I go again, Dome. With this implanted chip we found on the Internet, government officials will be able to monitor his every move. This makes us feel real good because nothing can go wrong under constant government supervision. Just look at the city of Chicago. There are all kinds of cameras and laws up there so you know those folks feel safe.

Some people, like our former neighbor, tell us that our plans are too big. So apparently, in this day and time, making sure that your kid can achieve your dreams of parenting the first married second grader to wrestle in a protective Dome is too big.

So I guess we’ll just be known as the parents who dream too big for their children. That’s okay. Besides, isn’t that why you have kids, so that you can live out your dreams through them?

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