The look on the lady’s face let me know that this wasn’t going to end well. I should have turned around and went back home and spent the rest of the day in bed. Instead, I pressed on. I didn’t think I was ever going to get out of that hospital.
There’s something strange about the hospital in Griffin, Georgia. When you walk in the main entrance, you’re on the third floor. When you take the elevator down one story, you’re on the first floor. If you take the elevator up as far as it will go it will kindly drop you off in the middle of a Stephen King movie.
I was at the hospital to visit a friend. When I asked the lady at the front desk for the room number she quickly searched her computer.
“Mercy. I don’t know what that means. I’ve never seen it do that before.”
What she should have said was, “Oh, that’s on the Stephen King floor. Right this way.”
I made it to the general area where I was supposed to be. I was about the only person on that entire wing. It was very quiet. And I was lost. Like I said, Stephen King.
A nurse stepped out of nowhere.
“Sir, are you lost?”
Like any respectable male, I said no. I’ve never been lost in my entire life.
“Well, who are you looking for?”
I told her and that’s when she informed me that I was lost. Apparently I looked really lost because she followed me to where I was supposed to go. Every few feet she spoke directions to me.
“Stay straight here.”
“Turn right here.”
“You’ve gone too far. This is the Pet Sematary.”
I made it safely and sat with my friend for a few minutes. When I walked out of the room I noticed several exit signs. I didn’t exactly know how to get back to my car but at least with all of these exit signs it wouldn’t be a problem getting out of the hospital.
So I thought.
This entire wing of the hospital was empty again. I went to the first exit door and started to walk outside when I heard a voice.
“Sir, you’re not allowed to walk out of that door.”
The voice stopped me in my tracks. When I turned around it was that nurse again.
She said something about me being really lost. And then she started bending her forefinger and saying something about Red Rum.
And so I went around the corner and down the hall to the next exit door. It was locked. And so was the next one. And the next one.
When I turned around I saw two other hospital employees. I was like a guy trapped on the side of a mountain who just saw a rescue helicopter. But what should I say to these ladies?
“Excuse me, I’ve never been much of a Stephen King fan so could you please get me out of here?”
I thought that was probably a good way for them to lock me away in the padded room so I went with a more refined approach.
“Can you help me get out of here?”
I wasn’t ready for their response.
“Are you a patient?”
A patient? A patient! Do I look like a patient? That’ll be the last time I ever wear a backless gown out in public.
The lady told me that it would be easier for her to show me the way out than to tell me the directions. What she really meant to say was, “You look like an idiot. I mean who gets lost in a hospital? Here, put this leash on and follow me.”
And so I did and in no time I was back in my car. Safe.
So if you ever have to stay overnight in the hospital, don’t get mad at me if I don’t come to visit you.
Most likely, I’m at the hospital.
I just got lost.
And somehow ended up in a padded room.
With Stephen King.