27 Things You Definitely Will Not Hear This Football Season

1. “Does anyone know if the Cowboys have a game this weekend? I haven’t heard anything about them on ESPN. It’s all Jaguars all the time with that network.”

2. “Our background search on you has revealed that you are the owner of not two but three fantasy football teams and all we have to say is, you’re hired! Welcome to the firm.”

3. “Basically my whole life was focused on sex, drugs and watching football. I never gave Jesus a second thought. But then one of my Facebook friends wrote a status update asking why people paint their faces and cheer for a football team but won’t paint their faces and cheer for Jesus. And right then and there I was in. I gave it all up and became a Christian right there on the spot.”

4. “Excuse me, sir. I just have to ask. Do you play for the Chicago Bears? I mean, at just over five feet tall and well over 400 pounds you don’t look like much of an athlete. But then I saw that jersey you’re wearing and it made me wonder.”

5. “More Seacrest! We want more Seacrest! We didn’t pay all of this money and get dressed up like freaks to watch the Raiders. We want Seacrest!”

6. “So if I’m understanding Bob Costas correctly, he’s saying that Peyton and Eli actually grew up together. Interesting. So, were they brothers or something? Tell me more.”

7. “I really like the Cowboys but I try to keep it on the down low.”

8. “This week’s scholar athlete award goes to a linebacker from Auburn University.”

9. “My husband has been laying on the couch for two straight hours watching Elon play East Carolina and let me tell you what, he is looking finer by the second.”

10. “We feel really good about making the decision to hire Coach Petrino.”

11. “We feel really good about making the decision to hire Coach Kiffin.”

12. “The Fox Pregame show is alright but they just don’t have enough men sitting at that desk.”

13. “I tried to go to the Georgia Tech game but I just couldn’t find a seat anywhere.”

14. “I don’t really even care about the games. I just tune in to watch Chris Berman. Any man that shows 38 plays in his list of top ten plays is alright by me.”

15. “Wonderful! The game just went into triple overtime and we have to be at church early for a meeting with the parking lot committee. Absolutely delightful. Come along, kids.”

16. “I used to hate the Dallas Cowboys but then I found out that Hulk Hogan was a fan and now I’m all in, brother.”

17. “Remember, son. Stick with this sport and practice real hard and maybe, just maybe, one day, before you even hit your 27th birthday, you’ll need someone to help you walk up stairs.”

18. “So you’re telling me that Ohio State, after playing a schedule loaded down with middle school teams, has made it to the national title game? Shocking!”

19. “So you’re telling me that Ohio State, after playing a schedule loaded with middle school teams and making it to the national title game, has been blown out in that game by ______________________ (Insert random SEC school here). Shocking!”

20. “Ndamukong Suh. Class act. Very classy.”

21. “Considering the success of the WNBA, could someone please explain why there is no WNFL? Anyone? Get with the times, NFL!”

22. “That’s how you do it right there, son. Always remember that. Learn from that example. Real men always do dances after relatively meaningless plays while their team is down by 13 touchdowns late in the fourth quarter.”

23. “It’s Romo time!”

Okay, you might actually hear that one. Just not for the reasons that Tony Romo, or any Cowboys fan for that matter, would want you to hear it.

24. “The game was really good but it was missing one thing. An awkward halftime interview with a somewhat sober Eminem.”

25. “I hope that lady that sounds like the librarian at my old middle school is doing play by play for my team this weekend.”

26. “And that breaks an NFL record previously held by Tim Tebow.”

27. “Touchdown Auburn!”