I Predict 2014

It’s that time again when we look back on the year that was. 2013. But it’s also time to look ahead to the year that will be. In case you learned your math in a Clayton County Public School, that would be the year 2014.

Here are my predictions.


You or someone you know will have to go to the doctor. Let’s just say that it’s for an upper respiratory infection. When you enter the crowded office a voice from behind the sliding glass window will tell you to be seated and wait for further instructions.

You manage to squeeze in next to a guy with an gunshot wound to the lower leg and a lady with her pet chicken. You figure that this is going to take a while.

A lady walks out from the back and you expect her to call a name. She doesn’t. Instead she pulls out a big glass bowl with a bunch of paper in it. She informs the room that she will be drawing two names. Before making her random selection she says, “May the odds be ever in your favor.”

This doesn’t make you feel very good.

You start to get up to leave, opting for a home remedy, when she calls out your name. And then the name of the lady with the chicken. Relieved, you sit back down only to find out that you have to fight the lady with the chicken on national television for the rights to the last antibiotic in the office.

The Lesson To Be Learned: If you don’t want to end up in a fight to the death in a doctor’s office against some lady and her chicken, take as much vitamin C as you can and stay away from any website with an address ending in .gov.

The President

President Obama will get caught. This scandal looks like the one that will finally do him in. Nobody can possibly get away with driving a car with ten malnourished baby seals caged in the back and a bumper sticker that says, “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For Myself… 15 Times.”

No one except the president.

Here’s how it goes down.

America: “Mr. President, please explain why you were driving a car with ten malnourished baby seals caged in the back and a bumper sticker that says, ‘Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For Myself… 15 Times.'”

President Obama: “Hey look at that pretty bird.”

America: “Pretty bird. Pretty bird. Here, pretty bird.”

The Lesson To Be Learned: Do not look at the bird. Ever. It’s a trick.

Quick Hits

Some guy you’ve never heard of will get kicked off of your favorite college football team for making terroristic threats, beating up a nun and poisoning the water supply for three different counties. But don’t worry. He’ll land on his feet as the quarterback for Auburn and win a national championship.

At least once a week you’ll flip through all 521 of your channels and discover that there is nothing on.

Miley Cyrus will do something weird. Weird enough to make the weird thing she did last year look as normal as apple pie.

Here’s to a happy 2014.

May the odds be ever in your favor.