Unless You Want To Die A Slow & Painful Death, Stay Away From These 8 Things


You don’t want to die, do you? I didn’t think so. Well, here are a few things you can avoid if you never again want to worry about death.

1. Eating

I’ve done a lot of research on this. Over the past few months I’ve documented the articles people have shared on Facebook telling us what foods are bad for us. No surprise, but McDonald’s gets the most mentions. But other foods, ones that you may not expect, do too. Foods like almonds. Apples. And even honey. Based on my research, 97% of all foods could give you a terrible disease. The other 3% will give you an average disease. So just to be safe, stay away from 100% of foods.

2. Teeth

Brushing your teeth involves two of the deadliest things on the planet – water and toothpaste. Water is dangerous because, well, technically it is a food and as I noted in point one, all food is bad for you. Toothpaste is dangerous because of the weird stuff that’s in it. Simply not brushing your teeth may seem like a logical alternative but then you will have plaque buildup from the toxic air you breathe  in and all of that plaque will find its way to your heart. If you really want to live long and prosper, have your teeth pulled.

3. Exercise

Don’t believe the myths that exercise is good for you. It’s not. While it may make you feel good for a while, all of that running, jumping and lifting will eventually wear your body down. And then, when the zombies finally attack, what good will you be? Also, one time I heard about this girl who died while working out. And that’s what we’re trying not to do. Die. Therefore, no exercise.

4. Happiness

Happiness involves laughter. Laughter causes laugh lines on your face. Laugh lines make you look older. If you look older, sure enough, you’ll start to feel older. By then, it’s practically one foot in the grave for you. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stop laughing.

5. The Outdoors

The sun is outdoors. The sun is the enemy.

6. The Indoors

Fluorescent lighting is indoors. Fluorescent lighting is the enemy.

7. Cute Little Babies

Cute little babies cry. And crying elevates your blood pressure. Also, cute little babies grow up and turn into teenagers who want to borrow your car and twenty bucks. That makes you have a stroke.

8. Sitting Down

Sitting down is right behind drug addictions on the list of terrible things people do to themselves. Don’t take my word for it. I heard it from some doctor on the Internet.

“Sitting down is almost as bad as smoking crack.” – Some doctor on the Internet

So if you want to live forever, get rid of your food and teeth, stop moving but not enough for you to be classified as sitting, never laugh and wear a thick raincoat at all times. Oh, and while you’re doing all of this, be sure to write a lot about it on Facebook so you can scare your friends to death. Then you’ll really outlive them.

Of course, there is another option.

You could just trust in God’s sovereign care over all things, including your life, and live accordingly. That’s what David did. Of course, he did die. But he also lived. Boy, did he live.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Psalm 139:16-17 (ESV)

How much better off would we be if we started trusting our diets and lifestyles to the sovereignty of God instead of living like slaves to the latest warning that some “friend” posted on Facebook about apples causing cancer?

God gave us the sun. And apples. And teeth. But our first parents distorted those gifts when they believed the serpent’s lie.

“You will not surely die.”

Sometimes it’s easy to believe a different form of that lie.

“Eat this. Not that. And you will not surely die.”

But we will. No matter how healthy we eat, our bodies will one day quit on us. And we miss the point of the life we have been given if we spend our days fearfully trying to avoid our final day. It is possible to live to be 108 and never really live.

So stop reading those articles that are always telling you what you’re doing wrong and how you’re killing yourself. Just scroll past them on your news feed. Maybe even hide that Facebook friend who feels the need to constantly remind you and the rest of the world about the deadly dangers of popcorn.

Be smart.

Practice moderation.

But go outside.

Play and laugh.

Eat a hamburger.

And then take a picture of yourself doing all of those dangerous things and put it on Facebook.

Some of your “friends” need to see what they’re missing out on.

And who knows? In a few years when the experts all tell us that hamburgers and cole slaw help you to live longer, maybe they’ll show up to your next cookout.