If I were the evil leader of a sinister group that was determined to destroy America, I’d give myself a cool name. Probably something like Lars. Lars von Hammer. I’d also do everything I could to destroy the countries that I didn’t like. The United States would be at the top of my list. That’s what evil leaders with names like Lars von Hammer do, right? They try to destroy the U.S.
At first I would think about an all out military assault. But then I would remember that I would be no match for the mighty United States armed forces. I’d continue to talk about my powerful weapons, even if I don’t really have them, and how strong my military is. But when it came down to the actual attack I’d have to go with a more unconventional approach.
I’d try to convince American government leaders that their real enemy was the American people, not me. That way, instead of worrying about me, politicians would be busy taking away the American people’s guns and monitoring their Facebook likes.
The American people would have to be targeted too. That wouldn’t be a problem. All I’d have to do is go after the American’s education system. Kids could learn that 2+2=5, if that’s what they want it to equal. And nobody would fail. Instead, students would be awarded a diploma just for hanging around. Within a generation, the nation would be led by 37-year-old tenth graders who think that 2+2=5 and who want a trophy for feeling that way.
My plan is coming together marvelously.
But there’s still the problem of the American military. That’s a tougher obstacle but one that could still be overcome. First, I would make sure that American armed forces were spread out all over the world. I would convince Americans that they really, really need to have a military base in Iceland. And Ireland. And that Sandals resort in Saint Lucia.
I don’t know what the military would do in those places. It doesn’t matter. Maybe they could guard borders to make sure that the Saint Lucian locals don’t wander into one of the resort buffets. All I would care about is that the American borders are unprotected. Hopefully everyone would believe that a fence with a hole in it and a sign reading “Keep Out” is all the protection the American borders need.
When money started to get tight because the American politicians were spending too much of it on free smart phones for voters, I mean the poor, I would recommend a drastic slash to the military budget and several base closings. Not the bases in Iceland, Ireland and that Sandals resort in Saint Lucia. The ones in Georgia, Virginia and California. I’m sure that everyone would believe me when I told them that a trimmed down military was a better military. Hey, I got them to believe that 2+2=5, didn’t I?
With the American government leaders busy monitoring their own citizens, the citizens busy monitoring their math skills that seem to be lagging further behind other nations and the military busy monitoring what they were going to do now that they’ve been laid off, America would be mine for the taking.
But there’s one problem.
As the evil leader of a sinister group that was determined to destroy America I wouldn’t be able to convince government officials to spy on their own people. And I wouldn’t have enough influence over the education system to dumb down that many potential opponents. I certainly wouldn’t have the power to weaken the military by taking away benefits, closing bases and spreading it too thin.
So what’s the evil leader of a sinister group that’s determined to destroy America to do?
I could run for U.S. Congress. For years they’ve been doing a fine job at everything I’ve just described. If you can’t beat them, join them and help them beat themselves.
Vote Lars von Hammer for U.S. Congress in 2016.
You might even get a free smart phone.