How To Ruin Your Kid’s Next Sporting Event

Everyone wants to see their kid excel at something. Follow these simple steps and maybe yours will too. 

1. When your kid is moving slow, assume that he’s being lazy. And go ahead. Let him know that in front of everybody.

It could be that your kid is just trying to figure things out. Or maybe his coach didn’t want him to be running in a full sprint at that particular moment when you looked up from your Twitter feed. Nah. I’m sure he’s just a lazy slob. Yell away!

2. Blame it all on the coach.

Have long, unscheduled conferences with the coach before and after games and practices. Send him at least three e-mails a day. Question him from the sidelines. Just do whatever it takes to let that coach and everyone else within shouting distance know that he’s the reason why your fourth grader can’t dunk yet. Certainly, it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that your kid is well, how do I put this, in the fourth grade!

3.Treat the sport as an extended daycare for you to get away from your small child.

“Now just remember, Billy. Mr. Coachy man will be your parent for the next one to three and a half hours. This is mommy time. Don’t go getting hurt now.”

4. Remember, it’s never good enough.

So your kid just hit a home run. Great! But why didn’t he do it during his last at bat? And why does he only have two home runs all year? These questions are best asked out in the open. In front of your kid. And his friends. And their parents. And the groundskeepers. You wouldn’t want your son going and getting the big head now, would you?

5. Constantly compare you kid to the best kids on his team.

Never mind the fact that all kids are different and develop at different paces. And forget about the things that your kid excels at that none of the other kids do. Just focus on the things that all of the other kids do better than your son. 

6. Question his manhood.

Remind him that real men do good at sports. You know, like all of those real men you see on TV who can’t stop doing drugs and beating up women. Real men. Manly men.

So there you have it. Simply following these six steps is sure to make your kid excel at your, I mean his favorite sport. Just don’t be surprised later on when you find out that he’s not nearly as happy as you are.

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