A Better Test Of Your Southernicity

Last weekend I took an online test that was supposed to tell me if I was a real southerner. I passed with flying colors. But I still didn’t feel good about my accomplishment. Most of the questions had to do with Elvis and Gone With the Wind. There are people who live in Iceland who know an awful lot about Elvis and Gone With the Wind but that doesn’t make them true southerners. In an effort to keep people from developing a false sense of security regarding their southernicity, I developed a better test.

1. What do you do when your cat has a whole bunch of kittens and you don’t want any of them?

a.) Contact the proper authorities and have them come and pick up the precious bundles of joy.

b.) Make a cardboard sign that reads, Free Baby Kittens, take it to a Wal-Mart parking lot on a Saturday afternoon with said “baby kittens” and sit in a folding chair next to your Pontiac. The problem should take care of itself from there.

If you answered b, you are a true southerner.

2. How would you respond to the following question. “Would you like to come over to my house this weekend? We’re having a barbecue.”

a.) “Splendid! I’ll bring the clam chowder.”

b.) “How exactly does one have a barbecue? I think I’ll pass, stay at my house and eat some barbecue.”

If you chose b, you are a true southerner.

3. Suppose that you are brewing some tea when you suddenly realize that there is no sugar in your house. Which of the following options seems most appropriate to you?

a.) No big deal. Besides, there’s probably a packet of Sweet’N Low somewhere around the house.

b.) You quickly run to Piggly Wiggly to buy a few 5 pound bags of sugar.

c.) You quickly run to Piggly Wiggly’s to buy a few 5 pound bags of sugar.

d.) No sugar in the house?! Not while I’m alive.

If you chose a, you are not a true southerner.

If you chose b, you are a true southerner.

If you chose c, you are a certified, genuine, real deal southerner.

If you chose d, you get to be the governor of the south for a week.

4. Someone asks you if you like country music. When you respond in the affirmative, they offer you four free tickets to see Luke Bryan and Rascal Flatts. How do you respond?

a.) “Splendid! I’ll bring the clam chowder.”

b.) You shake your head and walk away while mumbling something to yourself about Hank Williams never wearing skinny jeans and guy-liner.

Unless you are a girl under the age of 18 who for some reason has a passion for clam chowder, you are not a true southerner if you chose a.

5. When is it appropriate for a man to remove his hat?

a.) Whenever it quits snowing.

b.) Indoors, during prayer, during the national anthem and during a meal.

c.) Indoors, during prayer, during the national anthem, during a meal and during the playing of Free Bird.

If you answered a, you are not a true southerner.

If you answered b, you are a true southern gentleman.

If you answered c and you play your cards right, you just might get a few votes in the next presidential election.

6. Your kid comes home from school to tell you that he learned about King George. What do you say?

a.) “King George was a deeply misunderstood man. We need more like him.”

b.) “Amarillo by morning. Amarillo’s where I’ll be.”

If you answered a, you are likely employed by the NSA.

If you answered b, even if you got every other question wrong, you are a true southerner. So make yourself at home, enjoy a nice glass of sweet tea, some of King George’s music and our southern hospitality. Just don’t offer us any clam chowder or Rascal Flatts tickets or we’ll throw our hat at you.

Southern hospitality does have its limits.

Leave a Reply