The trouble with unwritten laws is that you never know about them until you break one. Until now, that is. Here are a few of the unwritten laws for the southern part of these United States of America.
Section III, Article 2, Paragraphs 3 and 4 – Beverages
All drinks shall be referred to as Coke or, if you’re one who likes to take things to the next level, Coe-Cola. When you are drinking Dr. Pepper and someone asks you what you are drinking, you are to respond by saying, Coke. When you’re sister is already up and standing by the refrigerator and you want a Sunkist, you need to say, “Lurlene, get me a Coe-Cola.” She’ll know what you mean. Trust me.
If you’ve got a craving for a Pepsi, never, under any circumstances, ask for one of those in public while in the south. Again, just trust me on that one.
Section IV, Article 9, Paragraph 6 – Sports
While watching a college or professional sporting event not involving a team that you regularly cheer for, you must always cheer for the team from the south. If neither team is from the south, or even worse, one of them is from Florida, you should cheer for the team that is geographically closest to the south. If the only game on is between a team from Florida and a team from New York City, turn the TV off and go enjoy a nice, cold Coe-Cola with Lurlene and them.
Section IX, Article 13, Paragraphs 1 and 2 – Shopping
If you can’t buy it at a store with a name like Sky City, Hoochie’s Dollar Basket or Da’ Nite Owl, it’s probably not worth buying.
Also, before entering these fine establishments, you must make sure that you are wearing pajamas and your kids aren’t wearing anything. Upon leaving, employees will examine the bottom of your children’s feet. If they do not look like they’ve been working barefoot in a coal mine, they will be immediately shipped up north and forced to watch Syracuse football games while drinking Pepsi.
Section XXXIV, Article 3, Paragraph 8 – Music
Any song written and/or performed after 1990 by someone not named George, Dwight, Willie, Waylon, Cash or Robert Earl is not a country music song.
Section LI, Article 1, Paragraphs 6 – 9 – Pets
Cats were not created to live indoors.
Dogs were not created to have their nails painted or to wear sweaters.
Acceptable names for dogs are ‘Lil Bit, Bear, Herschel Walker and Hank.
Cats are not to be named. Naming a cat could lead to said cat moving indoors which would be a direct violation of Section LI, Article 1, Paragraph 6.
Section LXX, Article 7, Paragraph 185, Church
If you have attended the same church more than three times, you are officially allowed to refer to it as, “my church.” It matters not that you haven’t attended your church in the past 28 years. It’s still your church. This gives you the privilege to show up every few years or so, if you’re so inclined, and vote in controversial business meetings.
Hopefully this will help all of you out of towners as you seek to navigate your way through the unwritten laws of the south. Should you have any questions, there’s always someone at Da’ Nite Owl who is willing to help.
Just ask for Lurlene.
And a Coe-Cola.