I Wish That President Obama Would Have Given This State Of The Union Address Last Night

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress and my fellow Americans,

I’ll spare you the stories about a hypothetical teacher who spent extra time with her students or a woman who was able to start a business, all because of my policies. I want to get right to the point.

America, you’re on your own.

I know that that doesn’t sound very presidential. It certainly doesn’t sound like something that this president would say. But I’ve had a change of heart. As you know, I’ve changed my mind on important policies before. I’m doing it again.

You are on your own when it comes to going to college. I will not be paying for your first two years. Honestly, I wasn’t going to be paying for it anyway. Your neighbors were. But not anymore. If you really want to go to college, save up for it. Come to grips with the fact that you might have to go to college later in life. Better yet, accept the possibility that you might not go to college at all. A college diploma, while noble, isn’t quite the savior we’ve made it out to be. The work of a welder, truck driver and stay-at-home mother is just as noble. Whatever path you take, I wish the best for you. But, when it comes to getting help from me, you are on your own.

That is why, beginning in July of this year, there will no longer be a United States Department of Education. From now on, the education of our nation’s children will be up to states, private institutions and, most of all, families. You are on your own. Make the most of it.

You are on your own when it comes to taxes. There will be no tax increase for the wealthy, as you might have heard I was planning on proposing. In fact, there will be a tax decrease for the wealthy. And the middle class. That’s because, beginning in January of 2016, there will no longer be an Internal Revenue Service or Federal Reserve.

It has been said that my presidency has been hard on jobs. I suppose that I am proving that true. If you work for the IRS, you have a little less than a year to find a new job. And then you will be on your own. I wish you the best.

The Federal Reserve will be a completely different animal considering the fact that it isn’t even a government agency and it answers to no one. In fact, for far too long, presidents have been answering to the unaccountable bankers who are running the Federal Reserve and controlling your money. That stops now. I may not be able to shut this agency down but I can stop serving to it.

Citizens of America, when you are driving in your car, working on your computers and resting in your home, I want you to know that you are on your own. The government will not be there anymore. We will stop reading your e-mails in the name of liberty. We will stop listening to your phone calls in the name of fighting terrorism. We will stop watching you from above in the name of national security. That is why I am announcing a massive overhaul to the NSA and CIA. Every American citizen should live in the confidence that they are being left alone. For the remainder of my presidency, this will be the case. You are on your own.

Finally, there will be one area of your life where I will not leave you alone. When it comes to protecting your constitutional rights, I will be with you. I realize that I have done my fair share to harm those rights. Many of my colleagues on the right side of the aisle have been just as eager to trample your rights. I guess you could say that for the past several years, the one thing that us politicians in D.C. could agree on is taking away your liberty. While I cannot speak for those on the right, or even my own party, those days are over for me.

I took an oath to protect you from enemies foreign and domestic. I didn’t take an oath to give you cell phones, manage your kid’s school lunches or spy on you.

My fellow Americans, there are people who want you to have less liberty. Some of those people live in far away lands. Some of them are in this room. As they work to chip away at your rights, I want you to know that you are not on your own. You have a president who is working on your behalf. But I can’t do it alone. I need you to take responsibility. If this system is to work, it has to be more about you and your family and neighbors loving each other and working together than it does any sort of bipartisan effort here in D.C.

Let me be clear, when politicians in D.C. get together to do something in a bipartisan manner, it’s usually bad for you. But when regular American citizens come together, without the assistance of government, to accomplish a task, good things happen.

I believe that good things can still happen in the United States of America. But I will need your prayers. And you can count on mine.

God bless you.

And God bless the United States of America.