Being a man can be difficult. For some people, the simple fact that you were born as a male automatically makes you a predator. Many men try to fight back against this stereotype by wearing capri pants, drinking everything through a straw and listening to Wilson Philips.
Gentlemen, this is no way for you to live. There is a better way. Behold, I give you Ten Manly Man Truths That Every Man Should Man Up And Follow.
1. When you go someplace to get your haircut it should never take you more than 4.7 seconds to tell the person how you would like your hair to be cut.
Not Manly: “Well, I was looking at the book of hairstyles on your front table and I saw one that looked a little like a fusion between Kenny Loggins and Keith Urban. I’d like something sort of like that but my friends at work say that my face is too long. What do you think? I just don’t want to get something that I’ll regret by the time I go to the Rascal Flats concert tomorrow.”
Manly: “Number two up top, number one on the sides and if you touch the ponytail I’ll kill you.”
2. A gentleman’s club is never frequented by gentlemen.
3. When given the option between watching professional wrestling or the State of the Union Address, a real man will always go with professional wrestling. Either way, you’re watching a show where people are pretending to hate each other only to go out to dinner together with your money when the cameras are off. But, in professional wrestling, at least it’s easier to spot the good guys.
4. Never get your taxes done in a building that was selling Halloween costumes four months earlier.
5. Any man who feels the need to prove that he is a man by attaching something that looks like male genitalia to the back of his truck is, in fact, not a man.
6. A vacuum cleaner is never an acceptable Christmas present for the special lady in your life. Professional wrestling tickets are a much safer bet.
7. Never, under any circumstances, open another man’s grill. There are 40 states in this great country of ours where killing a man for opening your grill while you’re cooking something on it is considered justifiable homicide.
8. When a woman tells you that she is having surgery, never ask her why. Just trust me on this one.
9. Never ask a woman when her baby is due. Never. Even if she’s already in labor.
10. Always open the door for a lady. But you’ll have to be careful on this one. There are some places in our country where a lady will take offense to a man opening the door for her. That’s okay. If you happen to encounter one of these women, as soon as she’s done yelling at you, ask her when her baby is due.
So there you have it, gentlemen. Now you don’t have to navigate your way through the dangerous waters of manhood all alone. Put your straws and Wilson Philips records away. Man up and embrace who you are. Get outside, kill something, throw it on your grill and eat it.
But while you’re grilling, just keep your eye on the fellow in the capri pants.
He’s getting a little too close for comfort to your grill.