If you see any of the following criminals, do not approach them. Contact your local authorities immediately. Each person on this list is considered armed, dangerous and guilty. Extremely guilty.
Thomas Edward James is wanted for the crime of hate speech. On June 3, 2012, James used the words lazy and bossy when referring to two of his employees who came to work 4 hours late. James has also been known to use other hateful words such as terrorist, sin and Jesus.
There is a $25,000 reward for the arrest of Thomas Edward James. If you see him, cover your ears and contact local law enforcement immediately.
2. Maria June Sklar
Maria June Sklar is wanted for allowing her child to try to overcome a temperature of 100.1 by juice, herbal supplements and plenty of rest. When a friend told her that the child might have the flu, Maria June Sklar responded by saying, “Everything is going to be okay. Stop overreacting.”
Mrs. Sklar goes by the aliases of mom, mommy, babe and sweetie pie.
There is a $10,000 reward for the arrest of Maria June Sklar. If you see her, throw a bunch of Tamiflu at her and contact the Department of Understanding Medicine and Youth (DUMY) immediately.
3. Delbert Ray Bodine
Delbert Ray Bodine is wanted for being from the south.
There is a $15,000 reward for the capture, dead or alive, of Delbert Ray Bodine. If you encounter him, speak slowly until help from a sophisticated northeastern university arrives to handle the situation.
4. Reverend Charles Henry Spurlock
There is a $4300 reward for information leading directly to the arrest of Mr. Spurlock. On Sunday, February 1, 2015, Reverend Spurlock preached a sermon where he held up his Bible and said, *WARNING GRAPHIC LANGUAGE* “This is God’s word. It is my final authority.” Reverend Spurlock went on to tell sinners to “repent” and that “Jesus loves them.” Reverend Spurlock was last seen driving a Buick and eating at Sweet Lou’s Kountry Katfish Emporium.
If you see Reverend Spurlock, do not listen to what he has to say. Do not be fooled by his kindness and generosity. Contact the National Union for Theology at the Joel Osteen Bureau (NUTJOB) with any information on Reverend Spurlock.
5. David Morton Anderson
There is a $6000 reward for information leading to the arrest of David Morton Anderson. On June 3, 2014, David Morton Anderson used a handgun to violate the rights of a misunderstood youth who was entering Mr. Anderson’s home through a window at 2 in the morning.
Mr. Anderson was last seen carrying two illegal items, a gun and a pocket copy of the United States Constitution. He is armed, educated and extremely dangerous.
6. Glenn Gary Yoder
There is a $3000 fine for information leading to the arrest of Mr. Yoder. There has been a rumor going around on Facebook that he drinks raw milk and doesn’t drive a car. Proceed with caution.
7. Billy Lee Blankenship
There is a $73000 reward for information leading to the arrest of little Billy. On September 20, 2014, in the school cafeteria, Billy strategically ate his toast so as to make it take on the shape of a gun. He then pointed it to the sky and yelled, “I’m your Huckleberry!”
Do not let Billy’s age deceive you. He’s only 4 but should still be considered armed and dangerous.
8. Doug and Mary Hargraves
On the afternoon of April 4, 2015, the Hargraves allowed their two small children, ages 16 and 17, to play basketball in the backyard without adult supervision for three hours. The couple also failed to get a signed, notarized letter from their congressman before allowing their kids to play outside. Finally, the Hargraves family has not paid their basketball tax in over three years.
If you see Doug or Mary, take their picture and shame them on the Internet while waiting on the authorities to arrive.
9. Sherry Catherine Gallagher
There is a $3200 reward for the arrest of Sherry Catherine Gallagher. She is wanted for the crime of treason and using logic without a permit. The following is a transcript from a town hall meeting where Congressman Leroy Lee (D, Vermont) was speaking.
Congressman Leroy Lee (D, Vermont): “Who cares if none of us knows what the bill says. The title of the bill sounded good enough so I voted for it. Just trust me.”
Sherry Catherine Gallagher: “But shouldn’t you read the bill befo…”
At that moment, Mrs. Gallagher’s microphone was cut and drones flew in to have her neutralized. Unfortunately, Mrs. Gallagher managed to get away. If you see her, please let Congressman Leroy Lee (D, Vermont) know.
10. Beth Ann Collins
There is a reward of $23000 for information leading to the arrest of Beth Ann Collins. On the evening of May 3, 2014, she happily cooked a meal for her selfish children and neanderthal husband. They all sat around the table afterward and talked about their day. Mrs. Collins is wanted for failure to live up to the feminist standard.
If you see Mrs. Collins, contact the authorities so that they can rescue her from the chains of family life before it is too late.
All phone calls will remain anonymous. And by anonymous we mean that we know who you are and we will probably add you to the list next year.
It’s a dangerous world out there.