It’s Valentine’s weekend. So that means that you’ll probably spend some time watching a romantic movie with your wife. Fellas, you want to be sure that you pick the right one. It shows initiative on your part. It also lets your bride know that you haven’t lost the spark. So it’s important that, just this once, your movie doesn’t include explosions, machine guns or Bruce Willis. I know, I know. That just made your job much more difficult. Fear not, I’m here to help.
Here are a few tips for selecting a solid romantic film that your wife is sure to love.
1. Make sure that the movie is depressing.
Depression is perhaps the single most important ingredient in any romantic film. Girls love this in their movies.
Try to find a movie about a new father who was just diagnosed with a rare and deadly disease and who decides to secretly make a video journal of his last few weeks on earth for his wife and infant triplet daughters. If you can manage to make it through this one, you, my friend, will hit the jackpot. You won’t have to worry about your next six Valentine’s Day gifts if you pull this one off.
You in 2017: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day this year, dear?”
Your wife: “Nothing. I’m still riding on the high from that delightful movie about the dying father you showed me a couple of years ago. What a gift. This year, I thought we could just sit around and watch old pro wrestling clips on YouTube while eating tacos.”
2. Make sure that the hero of the movie is a simple girl with a big dream.
I use the word simple loosely here. There’s nothing quite like seeing an actress who has never set foot inside of a Dollar General trying to play a common woman. But your wife will look past this. So, for example, the newly widowed mother of infant triplets needs to decide to follow her dream of becoming the first woman to kick the game-winning field goal in the Super Bowl.
3. But don’t forget the evil.
Your movie can’t be a cake walk though. Every girl movie has to have the over the top evil woman who was put on earth for nothing else but to make the hero of the movie have a miserable life. It’s best if this character is played by Glenn Close, Meryl Streep or Hillary Clinton.
4. Every movie of this sort needs a quality leading man. Just not too quality.
Be careful here. You don’t want to choose a movie with a leading man that you in no way can measure up to. So stay away from Brad Pitt. Well, unless you’re at 0% body fat in your 50s.
You’re better off picking a movie with an actor who looks like he’s been to the Waffle House a few times. I suggest Larry the Cable Guy.
But your wife probably won’t go for that.
So pick a movie with an actor who’s gotten in trouble a few times. That way, when the two of you talk about what a great guy the leading man was, you can remind your wife that he’s been arrested 3 times in the past year and that you’ve only been arrested twice.
5. Finally, no Valentine’s Day movie is complete without these two elements.
An airport scene.
This is where the leading lady ends up at the end of the movie after she finds out that her dream of being the first woman to kick the game winning field goal in the Super Bowl will never come true. And all because the head coach, who also happens to be her love interest (not played by Brad Pitt or Larry the Cable Guy), cut her the week before the big game. So it’s back home to Birmingham for this girl. No dream. No man.
There he is, in full coaching attire, running through the airport to catch the simple girl with big dreams before it’s too late. But will he make it in time? Of course he will. He’s wearing a whistle around his neck. When our leading lady hears that familiar sound, she knows that her dream is back up and running again. Cue the Taylor Swift song.
But don’t forget the second important element.
Our new football power couple makes it to the big game just in time for our hero to win it with a last second 67-yard field goal. In the rain. And she celebrates by kissing the coach. In the rain.
Rain, gentlemen. No romantic film is complete without it. Never forget this.
Follow these simple guidelines and you’re sure to have a fantastic Valentine’s Day. Also, keep an eye out for my new movie that should be out in theaters this time next year. It’s called Kickin’ It With The Coach and it stars Reese Witherspoon and Hillary Clinton. And Brad Pitt.
Sorry. It was the best that I could do.