I saw the list for the first time early Wednesday morning. It had cities that you might expect. Seattle. Phoenix. San Antonio. There were other cities that I’m not familiar with. And then there was one that I’m very familiar with.
ISIS wants to attack Griffin, Georgia. Not New York City. Not even Atlanta. But tiny Griffin, Georgia. The place where I buy groceries.
So this one’s for you ISIS. Before you come after Griffin, there are a few things that you need to know.
First, someone has already beaten you to the punch. Years ago another organization came to Griffin and the town hasn’t been the same since. That organization is called Wal-Mart. Just a quick drive through the parking lot of the Wal-Mart in Griffin, Georgia will send you back to your homeland with your heads hung low and your blood pressure too high. Your bosses won’t be happy.
“How was the trip to Griffin?”
“Terrible. How do you expect us to conduct a holy war while so many people are shopping in their pajamas and flip flops while beating their children?”
“Well, what are we supposed to tell the person who is funding our operation?”
“Tell Mrs. Clinton to do it herself.”
Next, haven’t you seen Red Dawn? Probably not. Well, it’s a movie about a small town that gets invaded by another country. They made the movie twice. Both times, the invading country was defeated because of a group of high school football players. In both Red Dawn movies the high school football team was terrible but they still managed to defeat an army. The Griffin Bears won the state championship two years ago. I rest my case.
Finally, there is a very good chance that Griffin, Georgia could be the place where your whole operation comes to an end. Perhaps I should explain. About every three feet in Griffin there is a Waffle House. You can expect at least four things in every Waffle House in Griffin, Georgia.
3. Kid Rock songs on the jukebox
4. People who drive trucks and carry guns
I’m no expert on ISIS but from what I understand that’s four things that wouldn’t make you feel too welcomed. Good, country people have been beaten at Waffle Houses for saying off color things about Dale Earnhardt and wrestling being fake. I can’t imagine the response you’ll get when you interrupt some guy’s breakfast with your shouts of death to America. American bombs are one thing but you haven’t seen war until you disturb some guy named Big Earl while he’s trying to eat his eggs, clean his AR-15 and listen to Hank sing A Country Boy Can Survive.
A lot of people are worried about ISIS coming to Griffin. But I say that we should roll out the red carpet for them. Some in our government are bent on paying off these terrorists or starting another war and you see how well that’s working out. That won’t happen in Griffin.
Don’t let our representatives fool you, ISIS. There are some tough people in this country. A lot of them live in Griffin, Georgia. They eat their eggs there. They shop in their pajamas there. And, much to the chagrin of some in our government, those people are heavily armed.
So please, by all means, come to Griffin. Just let me know when you get there so I can tell the lady at Wal-Mart that you told her to control her child and the guy at Waffle House that you said that lady NASCAR driver was ten times better than Dale Earnhardt.
That should put an end to your terrorism.
I mean Bears!