I Don’t Understand The Bachelor

I’m getting older. Wisdom is supposed to come with age but I’m not sure if that’s the case for me. In fact, the older I get, the less I seem to understand.

First up on my list of things that I don’t understand is that show The Bachelor. Now, I’ve never watched The Bachelor so excuse my ignorance but this is how the show works, as best as I understand it.

1. A bunch of ladies sign up to go on TV and try to win the heart and/or bank account of some young single fellow who is either a lawyer, model or recently retired from the NFL.

2. Each week, the single, rich model takes a different girl out on a date and to meet his family back on the farm. The family always lives on a farm. This is to appeal to the viewers in middle American and the south.

3. After the single, rich model has finished making out with all of the ladies and introducing them to his parents, he picks the one that he likes the best.

4. The rest of the ladies cuss and fight. One of them gets her own show next season called, wait for it, The BacheloretteThe Bachelorette is essentially the same as The Bachelor except for this time it’s a woman trying to pick from a bunch of hapless men. Also, great efforts are taken to make viewers believe that our Bachelorette is an everyday girl of noble character. Great efforts are also taken to make viewers forget that she’s the kind of a girl who would find her soul mate by going through a bunch of men on national television.

5. The Bachelor and his new lady get married four months later, just in time to get people talking about The Bachelorette.

Oh, I almost forgot number 6.

6. About two weeks after The Bachelor and the winner of his contest and/or heart get married, they get divorced and one of them gets to be on the cover of People.

This is classified as reality television.

Nothing could be further from reality.

Ladies, imagine if some bachelor walked up to you and your friends while you were shopping for your White Rain at Wal-Mart and said the following.

“Hello, ladies. I’m looking for a wife and I’m sure that one of you will do just fine. Would you please come over to my house for a quick contest? You’ll get to meet my parents and, worst case scenario, I’ll give you a rose. But if things work out okay, we’ll be married, separated and irreconcilably different from each other all before the year is out. Oh, and did I mention that it will all be on camera?”

How romantic.

On second thought, maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit. I think that I really do understand The Bachelor. People just want to be on television. And when you want to be on television bad enough, it makes you do stupid things. Like go on The Bachelor. Or run for president.

One day my sons will probably get married. I sure hope that they don’t go on some reality television show to find that special someone. Here’s to hoping that they find their wives the old fashioned way.

At a professional wrestling match.

Hey, nothing draws in the really classy ladies like a cage match between Sting and a 120-year-old Ric Flair. Plus, if they’re willing to pay enough of their hard earned money for front row seats, my sons might even get to be on television with their brides to be.

Here’s to the future. The old fashioned way.

Wooooooooooo!

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