A Little Boy’s Diary

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Safe. That’s the first feeling I can remember. It was like waking up. I was confused. I didn’t know hardly anything. But I knew one thing. I was safe.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

But it’s okay.

I’m safe now.

From everything I could tell, things were looking good. My mother was active. And she was compassionate. There was always some rally we were going to. Most of them had to do with saving the environment or helping other women. It was stuff that I didn’t understand but I at least knew that she was working for the good of others. With a mom like this, I felt, life was going to be good.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

But it’s okay.

I’m safe now.

There were a few visits to doctors. From what I could tell, they did a real good job of taking care of my mom. And they took real good care of me. They were always talking about vitamins, diet, exercise and even classical music. I know that it sounds crazy but there’s something to all of that. To this day, I still love Bach.

I can remember the thrill of hearing the doctor tell my mom the date. June 23. It was coming soon. Obviously, I didn’t understand calendars too well at the time but I could still somehow sense the excitement. I grew even more excited each time that I thought about what was waiting for me. I couldn’t wait for my mom to hold me. I couldn’t wait to match faces to the voices I kept hearing. I was pretty nervous but everything was good. Life was about to be amazing.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

But it’s okay.

I’m safe now.

The last visit was different. The doctor’s office was different. At the old place, I could feel the the happiness. Not at this one. It seemed cold. And everyone was quiet. The doctors seemed to be taking care of my mother but that didn’t keep her from crying like she did. I had heard her cry a lot but never like this. Surely everything would be okay. The doctor would fix whatever was wrong so that we could go back home and wait for June 23rd to get here. Me and my mom.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

But it’s okay.

I’m safe now.

The noise that I heard sounded familiar. I had heard it before when my mom was cleaning the house. At the time, I didn’t understand what she was doing. I just knew that she was moving around a lot and there was a loud noise that I didn’t like too much. I preferred the sounds of Bach to the sound of that old vacuum cleaner. This vacuum cleaner was louder. And closer.

Too close.

I’ve never been strong. I’ve never gotten into a fight. Well, just once and it was more than I could handle. I was no match for that doctor and his loud vacuum machine. My arm was gone is seconds. And then I felt a pull on my head.

And then nothing.

And then, instantly, safety like I had never known before.

I’m with my Creator now. It’s good to finally be wanted. Forever. I don’t know why my mom would do something like that to me. But I’m not mad at her. I’m not bitter. There is no bitterness here. And no one here worries. I often join the martyrs when they say, “O Sovereign Lord, holy and true, how long before you will judge and avenge our blood on those who dwell on the earth.”

That will stop when my Creator returns to earth to fix everything forever. Then it will all make sense. Somehow.

I thought that no one could love me more than my mother loved me. I thought that her world would be paradise.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

But it’s okay.

I’m safe now.

Safe in the arms of Someone who really loves me.

Hopefully one day, my mom will be rescued from that dreadful world she lives in so that she can come here and be safe too.

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