8 Things I Learned At The Christian Bookstore

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On Monday morning, I went to a Christian bookstore. Here’s a quick survey of what I learned.

1. The guy who wrote a book with a weird title about the secret to America’s future is back. This time he has a new book with a new weird word in the title that somehow has something to do with America’s future. I don’t know what either word means but, judging from the way the words sound, it ain’t looking to good for the USA.

2. A bunch of different kids died and went to heaven. They’d like to tell you about it.

3. Apparently there is a tremendous market for pink waterproof Bibles.

4. Beth Moore’s marketing strategist is the hardest working man in America.

5. The Christian film industry is thriving. Even in the glory days of Blockbuster and Crazy D’s Hollywood Movie Hut, I’ve never seen so many movies for sale in one room. But, despite the wide selection of Christian films, they all fall into one of the following categories.

 Category One: A heartwarming tale about a blind and/or crippled and/or dying kid and her horse. The horse always has a name like Shadow. The movie is always called something like Shadow’s Girl or Valley of the Shadow of Death.

Category Two: A heartwarming tale about a really bad football team that turns things around and wins the state title once they find out that the coach’s daughter was seriously injured while riding on her horse named Shadow. This type of movie always has a title like In the Shadow of the Goalpost.

Category Three: A heart wrenching tale about the secret of America’s future and the end of the world. Spoiler alert: It has something to do with a very sick little girl and her horse, Shadow. This type of movie usually has a name like The Shadow Harbinger.

Oh, one more thing. Hundreds of years ago, at one of the church councils, after they got done discussing the Trinity and the full deity of Christ, the church fathers wrote a law for all churches. It says that every Christian movie must have in its cast Louis Gossett Jr., Kirk Cameron, Kevin Sorbot or the guy from Forrest Gump who lost his leg. To date, the Christian film industry has faithfully obeyed this edict. Athanasius would be proud.

6. You won’t find a restroom cleaner than the one at your local Christian bookstore. Never, ever walk into the bathroom at Home Depot.

7. You know that coach of that team that you hate so much? Well, it turns out that he’s a Christian and he has a book out detailing his magical championship season that involved humiliating your favorite team on national television.

8. You didn’t buy enough. You’ll be reminded of this at the checkout counter when you’re told that you can have a pack of Testamints, the Christian breath mint, for only three dollars more. You’ll politely decline. And then you’ll be told that for only another $12 you can get the book written by that couple who almost won The Amazing Race a few years back. You will politely decline. But the cashier will not take no for an answer. It’s then that you determine that this guy is probably Beth Moore’s marketing strategist.

Finally, you leave.

But not without your newly purchased book detailing the future of America and the DVD about the sick girl and her horse named Shadow.

And a Christian breath mint, of course.

Hey, it’s only three extra bucks.

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