Parents want to see their kids do well. Maybe even see them on TV one day. Just by following these simple steps, you will.
1. Only affirm your child.
Speak pleasant words to her. Talk to her in baby talk if you’d like. Talk to her just like she’s one of your friends. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Just be sure to keep it positive. But whatever you do, never ever tell her not to do something or that something is not right. Psychologists tell us that kids aren’t able to handle such talk from adults until they become adults themselves, and that doesn’t happen until sometime in their early to mid 30s.
2. Never hold your child accountable.
It’s not his fault that he keeps getting in trouble at school. It’s got to have something to do with his teachers. They just weren’t fully appreciating his artistic expression that time when he cut his finger and wrote “I Am the Beast Lord” in blood on the desk next to him. Ah, second graders these days.
It’s not his fault that he took a bite out of the arm of some kid on his baseball team. That kid should have done a better job of keeping his arm out of your son’s mouth.
And it’s not your son’s fault that he failed his spelling test. Him missing 19 out of 20 words and getting lucky on the word for has nothing to do with his lack of focus and hard work. It’s the teacher’s fault for making the words too hard. So pull him out of that school. And the next one. And the next one. You get the point.
3. Fight for her rights.
Her lack of playing time on the tee ball team has nothing to do with that time when she jumped the fence and ran away when the coach put her in right field. You guessed it, it’s the coach’s fault. Be sure to let him know. And then bad mouth him in front of your daughter on the way home from the game. Remember, your child is a lock for the world of professional sports, just as long as her coach gets his act together and finally recognizes the talent of your little three-year-old slugger.
Just by following these three simple steps, you could see your kid on TV one day. It will probably look something like this.
And, if your little angel doesn’t cause you to have a nervous breakdown before his big TV appearance, you’ll get to be on TV with him explaining to everyone that you have no idea where he went wrong and that, “he’s always been such a loving little boy who just fell in with the wrong crowd,” as the police haul him away and clean up the carnage of his latest misunderstanding.
You’re not just any parent and you don’t want your child to be just any child. So this bonus step is for you.
4. Worship your kid.
I know, it sounds funny at first. That’s just because no one ever admits to worshiping their kid. But believe me, plenty of parents do it.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to dress up and go somewhere for this kind of worship. Well, unless your child wants you to. That’s really what kid worship comes down to. Whatever he wants, he gets.
So the next time he goes nuts when you take the fork out of his hand while he tries to jam it into an electrical outlet, give it back to him. His way is the best way.
The next time you tell her that it’s time to leave the park and she loudly tells you and every other parent in the county that she’s not ready yet, just lean back and say something about parenting being hard. And give her another ten minutes. Or an hour. It’s her call.
And remember, no self-respecting person would ever discipline his god. That would just be weird. So make threats if you must. Scream if you have to. Count to three five or six times. But, under no circumstances, should you ever actually carry through with those threats or do anything that even closely resembles correction. She’s your god, remember? And gods don’t need correcting. That’s why they’re gods.
If you can manage to follow through with this bonus step, you’ll do better than having a kid on TV. You’ll have this.
Your very own dictator! Imagine the pride that you’ll feel when all of the other parents talk about their kids going to college and starting families when you trump them with stories of your little sweetie taking over his own country.
Who knew that raising a criminal and possibly even a maniacal mad man could be so easy?