Rules For Radicals: Things That Should Be Required Before Burning The Flag


Have you heard about the latest fad in our country? It has nothing to do with hairstyles or clothing. This fad that seems to be sweeping the country actually has something to do with our country. More specifically, the flag.

At Louisiana State University, a few students planned on burning an American flag until their display was interrupted by several hundred cajuns who made them think better of their plans. Students at LSU haven’t had anything to scream about, other than firing their football coach, in years so they had no problem yelling down a few protestors. America 1, Flag Haters 0.

At a school in South Carolina, a student was told to remove the American flag that was flying from the back of his truck. School administrators thought better of their decision when several parents showed up with flags of their own. If you’re a principal and you want more community involvement in your South Carolina high school, make a kid take down the American flag from the back of his truck. America 2, Flag Haters 0.

And at Valdosta State University, a student organized a flag burning on campus but, again, had a change of heart when a female Air Force veteran stopped the insanity. I’m not sure how you explain that one back at terrorist headquarters.

“How was the flag burning, Che?”

“Not good, comrade.”

“What happened?”

“It got busted up by some part-time model who used to be in the Air Force.”

I must have missed something. Maybe it’s because I’ve given up on talk radio and televised news. But at what point did it become fashionable for people to walk all over the flag and burn it and make high school kids take them down from their trucks?

Look, I know that America isn’t perfect. We certainly have our share of problems. You might even say that we get a new set of problems with each new day. But what exactly does hating the flag do to help all of that?

If you don’t like the flag, why can’t you just ignore it and move on? Why create a scene? There’s a classroom in my church where a Georgia Tech mug is on display for all to see. Well, I hate Georgia Tech. Any God-fearing man should. But I’m not planning on burning that mug anytime soon. I am however still searching for Bible verses to support my theological position that Georgia Tech and the Philistines were somehow related. I’ll get back to you on that one.

As much as I hate it, people in our country have a right to walk on the flag or burn it. But before they fire up the protest, here are a few steps that I think should be required before the big event.

1. Exactly one week before the flag burning, the angry protestor is required to inform the nearest gang of Vietnam and Gulf War veteran bikers where and when the festivities will take place.

I’m all for the angry protestor’s right to free speech, even if that means he’s burning the flag.

I’m also all for the angry biker gang’s right to free speech, even if that means that they have to use a few Old Testament tactics on the flag burner.

By my estimation, this would reduce the amount of flag burnings in this country by 93%.

2. Anyone wishing to burn or desecrate the American flag must also burn and desecrate any benefits or handouts they are receiving from the government.

If you hate America enough to burn the flag, you should hate her enough to not receive the free money that she so loves to hand out. When you have to burn the flag to prove your point, most rationale people tune you out. When you decide to burn the flag while talking on your government provided smart phone and munching on WIC approved Ramen Noodles, you really lose the rationale crowd.

Now our flag burnings are down by about 98%. We’re on our way.

3. All flag burnings must take place at the National Guard Armory during professional wrestling matches.

Preferably this will happen somewhere within a 100 mile radius of Thomaston, Georgia. And preferably it will all go down just after an aging Rock and Roll Express loses their Mid-Atlantic Cruiser Weight Tag Team Title to Southside Trash and somewhere around the time that Tommy Rich has to shave his head because he lost to Arn Anderson due to the fact that Tully Blanchard hit him from behind with a folding chair.

I only saw my sister lose it one time in my life. That was when Stan Hansen beat Tommy Wildfire Rich and got to shave his head. My sister threw her bowl of boiled peanuts at the TV. My mom wouldn’t let her watch wrestling for a month after that. Somehow, I don’t think that kids in other parts of the world get in trouble for that sort of thing. Ah, the south.

Anyway, I don’t think that there will be much flag burning happening at the Armory when a bunch of disgruntled 40 somethings file out into the parking lot only to find out that some disgruntled hipster in skinny jeans is trying to make it even more difficult to get to the Huddle House. Those wrestling fans may not ever be able to get even with the ones who assaulted Tommy Rich’s hair but they’d be more than happy to take out their frustrations on a flag burner.

It sure is hard to burn a flag when a couple of hundred people are throwing bowls of boiled peanuts at you.

So that brings our flag burnings down 100%.

America 3, Flag Haters 0.

America wins again.

And somehow, so does Tommy Wildfire Rich.

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