I got a call from The White House the other day.
It seems that the folks in D.C. have a new initiative to keep kids busy and out of trouble while school is shut down for the summer and they want me to help with getting the word out. They’re calling this new federal program Kids Growing Beyond (KGB) and they seem real excited about it. I figured, if the government is excited about it and it’s for the kids, it can’t be bad. So it is my honor to be the first person to publicize the government’s new guidelines for parents and kids this summer.
1. Safety first!
When you and I were growing up we spent our summers outside. We left the house after we woke up and we didn’t come back until the sun went down. That’s because we grew up all wrong and our parents had no idea what they were doing. Think about it. We could’ve been murdered.
Thankfully, the government’s new guidelines will help to keep that from happening.
From now on, all kids between the ages of 0 and 31 will not be allowed to leave the house unsupervised. Federally qualified supervisors include employees of Child Protective Services, a drone, and, as a last resort, the child’s mother. In dire circumstances, assuming that the proper paperwork and bloodwork is on file, the child’s father will be allowed to supervise for up to six minutes a day.
Also, children must not leave the house without a helmet and they must be in a car seat. Even if they aren’t in a car. Any sitting will have to be done in a car seat. The government’s new motto for this will be, “If you’re off your feet, get in a car seat.” John Legend is working on the commercial jingle for this.
2. Healthy eating first too!
During the summers of my childhood, I was fueled by a steady diet of fish sticks, tater tots ketchup sandwiches and Beanee Weenees. That diet falls well short of today’s high standards. Fish, in case you didn’t know, are people too. And the same goes for whatever animal that Beanee Weenees are made from. The government added ketchup sandwiches to their terrorist watch list in 2002.
In an effort to respect the fish and the Beanee Weenee animal while also getting away from the ketchup sandwich, we’re all going vegetarian. So make sure your kids are used to hamburgers made out of the grass that gets stuck up under the lawn mower when you cut the grass on a rainy day. Mmmmmm. Organic. Oh, and McDonald’s. McDonald’s is still cool as far as the government’s new vegetarian dietary standards go seeing as how they haven’t used any actual meat in their food in over 30 years.
For dessert, kids will be allowed one (1) peppermint per day. On special occasions, cake will be permitted. However, said cake will not be allowed if it is in celebration of a birthday or if it contains sugar and/or flour. The government’s new motto for this will be “Let them eat cake!”
3. Don’t forget the entertainment. That’s first as well!
Every summer has those days when you either can’t or just don’t want to go outside. That’s when television comes in. More specifically in my case, that was when it was time to watch CHiPs and Fat Albert reruns. CHiPs and Fat Albert were my best friends on rainy days. Where would we be without these shows? CHiPs taught us to respect the police. Even if those policemen still liked to compete in disco roller skating competitions. Fat Albert taught us what life was like for inner city kids who had to use things in the junkyard for band instruments. That band sounded pretty good. Way better than anything Rascal Flatts ever recorded. Life, as it seemed, was good in the inner city.
It turns out, we were taught wrong.
Ponch and John wouldn’t stand a chance today. Can you imagine two cops on roller skates trying to stop another one of those riots started by a bunch of rich college kids pretending to be communists at the local roller rink? And what about Fat Albert? Do you think that show would make it today? No way! Today Albert would be called Far Too Short For His Weight Albert and Dumb Donald would be Misunderstood By Every Teacher He’s Ever Had Donald. And there’s no way that Bill Cosby would be allowed to host. Ryan Seacrest would take his place. Far Too Short For His Weight Albert and the Seacrest Kids just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
So we need a healthier alternative for our kids.
Each week, children will be forced to watch The View. Excuse me. Each week, children will be invited to enjoy The View. After that day’s episode, the child will write a short paper entitled Why Whoopie Is Right And Everyone Else Is Wrong. The music of Alanis Morissette is strongly suggested while your child writes. I’m sure that your second grader can sense the excitement already as he begins to grapple with his guilt for having the nerve to be born a male.
When it’s summer, you don’t have to sacrifice safety, healthy eating and education for fun. You can have it all. And the KGB is here to give it to you. Hopefully these guidelines will help you. Actually, these are just a few of the guidelines. The actual initiative is much longer but I didn’t have time to read it.
But hey, it’s from the government.
What’s the worse that could happen?