Chances are that you’ll find yourself in a debate at some point. And you’ll want to win that debate. That’s the thing about disagreements, whether they come in the form of civilized discussions or all out arguments. Both sides want to win. Well, now you can. And you don’t have to go through the trouble of actually being right. Instead, just follow these simple steps.
1. Accuse your opponent of either being from or having ties to the south.
We all know what happened in the south years and years ago, don’t we? That’s right. The Dukes of Hazzard was filmed there. And that gives you all the opportunity you need to bludgeon your opponent.
Here’s how it works.
Opponent: “Yes, but Thomas Jefferson and the rest of the founding fathers were against a strong, centralized federal government and national banking system.”
You: “Interesting. Especially since Thomas Jefferson was from the south, had slaves, watched The Dukes of Hazzard and had the words Ain’t Skeered written on the front of his jacked up truck.”
Bam! You win.
Don’t be afraid to be creative. And if you can’t manage to link your opponent or his ideas to the southern states, just settle for the next most effective option.
Compare him to Hitler.
2. Quote the Bible.
Perhaps you don’t own or even believe in the Bible. Not to worry. That shouldn’t stop you from using it to prove your point. Here are a few examples.
Opponent: “I’m against murder because all people are created in the image of God.”
You: “Interesting. Are you also against boiling goats in their mother’s milk because you know that’s in the Bible too?”
Never mind things like context and genre. Never mind that you could use excerpts from To Kill A Mockingbird out of context to make Harper Lee look like a Grand Wizard of the Klan. Remember, you’re concerned with winning, not being right.
Here’s another approach to using the Bible to help you achieve your goals of world domination through argumentativeness.
Opponent: “I’m against gay marriage so I decided not to bake a cake for their wedding. I don’t hate anyone. I’m just holding to my beliefs.”
You: “Interesting. What about your customers who are gluttons?” (Author’s note: In case you haven’t noticed, it would be helpful if all of your responses began with the words interesting or actually. It makes you sound smarter.)
Bam! You win again. Always get to the gluttony option as quickly as possible. This way, you can make the Bible’s mention of gluttony a virtual free pass for any other sin.
3. Tell stories about Yuma, your _____________________ (fill in the blank with transgendered, undocumented worker or some other such descriptions) friend.
This is the easiest one, even if you don’t know a transgendered, undocumented working fellow named Yuma. The story is what matters here.
Opponent: “What do you think about judges losing their job for refusing to perform weddings for transgendered, undocumented workers?”
You: “Interesting. It’s funny that you should ask because I think about my friend Yuma, a transgendered, undocumented worker from the country of Yugostan. I think about his quest for love. And work. And I think about how much you hate him and want to destroy his dreams of a simple, happy, tax-payer funded, undocumented life with his three husbands. You should be ashamed.”
So the next time you find yourself in a heated discussion about a controversial topic, stick to these simple steps and you’re sure to win. You may even get your own television news show.
Or a job writing speeches for the president.
When making sure your voice is heard matters more than the truth, the possibilities are limitless.