If Fast Food Executives Told It Like It Is

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You may want to think twice before you eat at a Checkers again.

Last week a video surfaced of an employee intentionally dropping a bun on the floor, smearing it around, picking it back up and using it to build a sandwich soon to be enjoyed by some poor customer of the fast food restaurant.

As you can imagine, the higher ups at Checkers weren’t too thrilled with this development. They came out with a video of their own where Lori Malcolm, the Senior Vice President of Human Resources shared her shock and disgust at the video. You know, all of the things that a Senior Vice President of Human Resources is supposed to say when one of her employees is caught contaminating the product with floor juices.

Wouldn’t it have been nice if Ms. Malcolm would have just told it like it is? I think that it should have gone something like this.

By now, you’ve seen the video of one of our employees contaminating a bun that would soon be served to a customer. I find this both disgusting and embarrassing. But, then again, I haven’t eaten at Checkers since the 8th grade and that was because I lost a bet. I just work here. Everything about this place except for my paycheck is disgusting and embarrassing. 

Still, you the loyal customer should not be concerned about this incident. We know exactly what is on our floor. Grease. Dirt. You get the point. But we don’t have the first clue what’s in our hamburger meat. Ham, maybe? I don’t know. It’s not my place to guess. I just take care of the employees. But my point is that now, at least you have some idea of what’s in your Checkers burger. Grease. Dirt. You get the point. See, it’s all about perspective. And really, I mean you’re eating at Checkers. I’m sure that cleanliness isn’t at the top of your list of dietary priorities. 

Also, the young lady who committed this despicable act will soon be making $15 an hour for her hard work as a contaminated sandwich builder. That’s another way of saying that her job will soon be taken over by a robot. Robots, in case you are unaware, never drop buns on the floor. Sure, they may try to take over the human race but they never, ever drop buns. 

But don’t feel too sorry for our former employee. She’ll land on her feet. Currently, she is entertaining a job offer to oversee the Department of Education’s school lunch program. She’ll be replacing the guy who had the idea to serve pizza, corn and milk in the same meal. It can only get better from there.

Thank you for eating at Checkers.

And may God have mercy on you.

Now that’s the kind of telling it like it is that this country really needs.

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