Never Saw It Coming At The Home Of The Throwed Rolls

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First we found out that the General Lee was too offensive. Now, if that wasn’t enough, rolls are too dangerous.

Rolls.

Not rolls of quarters. We all know that those are dangerous. Once I saw the great Ric Flair beat a man half senseless with a roll of quarters live on WTBS in Atlanta.

No, I’m talking about rolls of bread. Fluffy, fresh-baked, buttery bread.

A while back a woman named Troy Tucker went into Lambert’s, a popular restaurant around the south and midwest. I’ve eaten at Lambert’s on several occasions. It’s a fun place. They have waitresses walking around with fake jugs of water pretending to spill it all over customers. They give you okra on a paper towel. I hate okra. But any food eaten on a paper towel instantly moves up two or three points on the Sanders Scale of Food.

And, they throw rolls at you. Not out of hate, mind you. It’s not like the waitress blows a gasket when you shake your empty glass of what was once sweet tea and whirls a chunk of bread at you. Instead, whenever the bread comes out of the oven, workers walk through the gigantic restaurant and throw the buttery bundles of gluten goodness at whoever has a hand raised. Sometimes the bread gets thrown across a table onto grandma’s empty plate and sometimes it gets thrown across the room into the hands of some hungry and aspiring young centerfielder.

Well, one also landed on Troy Tucker’s face.

More specifically, her eye.

And it did some damage.

Tucker’s injuries are described as follows. “A lacerated cornea with a vitreous detachment and all head, neck, eyes and vision were severely damaged.”

Now that’s some kind of roll.

No disrespect to Ms. Tucker. If she really was injured, I hope that she makes a full recovery.

But I can’t help but have my doubts about this injury.

Lacerated cornea?

Vitreous detachment?

Head, neck, eyes and vision severely damaged?

From a roll?

Look, I’ve eaten a lot of rolls in my lifetime. I’ve had even more biscuits, which we all know are far more dangerous than rolls. I’ve spent at least 223 Sunday mornings of my life eating biscuits at Hardee’s. Have you ever eaten a biscuit from Hardee’s? If so, you know that it’s not pretty. In fact, if you really want to fix healthcare in this country, do away with Hardee’s and 93% of your problem is solved right there. All that to say, I know bad bread.

But never once have I looked at some of that bad bread and thought to myself, “I better run back out to the truck and get some eyewear. This bad boy looks like it could cause a vitreous detachment.”

Have you?

Here’s the most important part of the whole story. It has to do with Lambert’s motto.

“Home of the throwed rolls.”

Now, if my grammar Nazi friends will excuse the poor choice of wording, it’s pretty clear what goes on at Lambert’s. When you walk inside, you will have a roll throwed at you. The warning is right there on the sign. For years, people have figured out that if they didn’t want a roll throwed at them, they should find another place to eat. Signs and mottos mean something in the restaurant business. Why do you think my idea for a restaurant named Jay’s Grill: Home of 30 Or So Hidden Rattlesnakes, never got off the ground?

Golden Corral is the home of eating chocolate covered macaroni and cheese while in your pajamas.

McDonald’s is the home of people who are really in a hurry and/or have already given up on life.

Chick-fil-a is the home of getting an idea of what food will taste like in heaven.

And Lambert’s is the home of the throwed roll.

It is your responsibility as an American to know such information before going into these places.

Hopefully, Ms. Tucker is doing okay now.

And hopefully this case will get throwed out of court.

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