The Devil’s Dictionary Of American Religious Words And Phrases

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With words and phrases, there are the actual definitions and the practical definitions. The actual definitions are the ones that have been assigned to words for centuries. The practical definitions are what we really mean. Here’s a look at what a lot of people really mean when they use certain religious terms.

Sin – an archaic term that has largely fallen out of use in modern times but is occasionally used to describe how hot it is outside or how bad people other than me are

Sample Sentence 1: “Man, it’s hot as sin out here.”

Sample Sentence 2: “Jesus didn’t care near as much about sin as today’s Christians do.”

Church – a group of people with nothing better to do with their weekends than sitting around with a bunch of hypocrites

Sample Sentence: “I’m glad I’m better than all of those people at that church who think that they’re better than everyone.”

Hypocrite – anyone who disagrees with me

Sample Sentence: “No I do not have a meth problem. I have it completely under control. Now let’s talk about all of those soft drinks you gulp down, hypocrite!”

Bible – an instrument intended for selective use in order to win an argument or prove a point; anything more than selective use and argument winning is only for hypocrites

Sample Sentence: “Well, the Bible says, ‘Judge not lest ye be not judgeth,’ so take that you block-headed little fool!”

Pharisee – any person whose devotion or self-discipline forces me to come to grips with my own lack of meaningful devotion and/or self-discipline

Sample Sentence: “Yeah, I guess he’s an alright guy but he’s sort of a Pharisee. I mean look at him. He’s been married to the same woman for over five years. Oh, and that perfect little haircut. Give me a break!”

Organic – any music, teaching, book or worship service that meets my approval and contains no unnecessary ingredients such as people, music and/or ideas that I do not like

Sample Sentence: “I love our small group because it’s very organic. I just hope no one else comes and messes things up.”

Judgmental – when one person addresses the sin of another person, regardless of the sin and no matter how horrific the sin is

Sample Sentence: “Stop being so judgmental! What I do with my neighbor’s wife at the pool hall is my business.”

Authentic – when I or someone I approve of indulges in a horrific sin

Sample Sentence: “Did you hear about him and his neighbor’s wife at the pool hall? He’s so authentic. I hope he writes a book.”

Love – when other people affirm me or someone I approve of in our sin, no matter how horrific said sin is

Sample Sentence: “I want to thank all of those who have committed to love me as I have committed to continue hanging out at the pool hall with my neighbor’s wife.”

Jesus – a great teacher who lived a long time ago and, if he were with us today, would most certainly approve of my horrific sin

Sample Sentence: “The Jesus I know would be at the pool hall with me and the neighbor’s wife before he’d ever be seen in some old church.”

So now, thanks to The Devil’s Dictionary of American Religious Words and Phrases, you can finally understand what’s really being said in the comments section.

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Never Saw It Coming At The Home Of The Throwed Rolls

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First we found out that the General Lee was too offensive. Now, if that wasn’t enough, rolls are too dangerous.

Rolls.

Not rolls of quarters. We all know that those are dangerous. Once I saw the great Ric Flair beat a man half senseless with a roll of quarters live on WTBS in Atlanta.

No, I’m talking about rolls of bread. Fluffy, fresh-baked, buttery bread.

A while back a woman named Troy Tucker went into Lambert’s, a popular restaurant around the south and midwest. I’ve eaten at Lambert’s on several occasions. It’s a fun place. They have waitresses walking around with fake jugs of water pretending to spill it all over customers. They give you okra on a paper towel. I hate okra. But any food eaten on a paper towel instantly moves up two or three points on the Sanders Scale of Food.

And, they throw rolls at you. Not out of hate, mind you. It’s not like the waitress blows a gasket when you shake your empty glass of what was once sweet tea and whirls a chunk of bread at you. Instead, whenever the bread comes out of the oven, workers walk through the gigantic restaurant and throw the buttery bundles of gluten goodness at whoever has a hand raised. Sometimes the bread gets thrown across a table onto grandma’s empty plate and sometimes it gets thrown across the room into the hands of some hungry and aspiring young centerfielder.

Well, one also landed on Troy Tucker’s face.

More specifically, her eye.

And it did some damage.

Tucker’s injuries are described as follows. “A lacerated cornea with a vitreous detachment and all head, neck, eyes and vision were severely damaged.”

Now that’s some kind of roll.

No disrespect to Ms. Tucker. If she really was injured, I hope that she makes a full recovery.

But I can’t help but have my doubts about this injury.

Lacerated cornea?

Vitreous detachment?

Head, neck, eyes and vision severely damaged?

From a roll?

Look, I’ve eaten a lot of rolls in my lifetime. I’ve had even more biscuits, which we all know are far more dangerous than rolls. I’ve spent at least 223 Sunday mornings of my life eating biscuits at Hardee’s. Have you ever eaten a biscuit from Hardee’s? If so, you know that it’s not pretty. In fact, if you really want to fix healthcare in this country, do away with Hardee’s and 93% of your problem is solved right there. All that to say, I know bad bread.

But never once have I looked at some of that bad bread and thought to myself, “I better run back out to the truck and get some eyewear. This bad boy looks like it could cause a vitreous detachment.”

Have you?

Here’s the most important part of the whole story. It has to do with Lambert’s motto.

“Home of the throwed rolls.”

Now, if my grammar Nazi friends will excuse the poor choice of wording, it’s pretty clear what goes on at Lambert’s. When you walk inside, you will have a roll throwed at you. The warning is right there on the sign. For years, people have figured out that if they didn’t want a roll throwed at them, they should find another place to eat. Signs and mottos mean something in the restaurant business. Why do you think my idea for a restaurant named Jay’s Grill: Home of 30 Or So Hidden Rattlesnakes, never got off the ground?

Golden Corral is the home of eating chocolate covered macaroni and cheese while in your pajamas.

McDonald’s is the home of people who are really in a hurry and/or have already given up on life.

Chick-fil-a is the home of getting an idea of what food will taste like in heaven.

And Lambert’s is the home of the throwed roll.

It is your responsibility as an American to know such information before going into these places.

Hopefully, Ms. Tucker is doing okay now.

And hopefully this case will get throwed out of court.

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How To Win A Debate (Even When You’re Wrong): Three Simple Steps

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Chances are that you’ll find yourself in a debate at some point. And you’ll want to win that debate. That’s the thing about disagreements, whether they come in the form of civilized discussions or all out arguments. Both sides want to win. Well, now you can. And you don’t have to go through the trouble of actually being right. Instead, just follow these simple steps.

1. Accuse your opponent of either being from or having ties to the south.

We all know what happened in the south years and years ago, don’t we? That’s right. The Dukes of Hazzard was filmed there. And that gives you all the opportunity you need to bludgeon your opponent.

Here’s how it works.

Opponent: “Yes, but Thomas Jefferson and the rest of the founding fathers were against a strong, centralized federal government and national banking system.”

You: “Interesting. Especially since Thomas Jefferson was from the south, had slaves, watched The Dukes of Hazzard and had the words Ain’t Skeered written on the front of his jacked up truck.”

Bam! You win.

Don’t be afraid to be creative. And if you can’t manage to link your opponent or his ideas to the southern states, just settle for the next most effective option.

Compare him to Hitler.

2. Quote the Bible.

Perhaps you don’t own or even believe in the Bible. Not to worry. That shouldn’t stop you from using it to prove your point. Here are a few examples.

Opponent: “I’m against murder because all people are created in the image of God.”

You: “Interesting. Are you also against boiling goats in their mother’s milk because you know that’s in the Bible too?”

Never mind things like context and genre. Never mind that you could use excerpts from To Kill A Mockingbird out of context to make Harper Lee look like a Grand Wizard of the Klan. Remember, you’re concerned with winning, not being right.

Here’s another approach to using the Bible to help you achieve your goals of world domination through argumentativeness.

Opponent: “I’m against gay marriage so I decided not to bake a cake for their wedding. I don’t hate anyone. I’m just holding to my beliefs.”

You: “Interesting. What about your customers who are gluttons?” (Author’s note: In case you haven’t noticed, it would be helpful if all of your responses began with the words interesting or actually. It makes you sound smarter.)

Bam! You win again. Always get to the gluttony option as quickly as possible. This way, you can make the Bible’s mention of gluttony a virtual free pass for any other sin.

3. Tell stories about Yuma, your _____________________ (fill in the blank with transgenderedundocumented worker or some other such descriptions) friend.

This is the easiest one, even if you don’t know a transgendered, undocumented working fellow named Yuma. The story is what matters here.

Opponent: “What do you think about judges losing their job for refusing to perform weddings for transgendered, undocumented workers?”

You: “Interesting. It’s funny that you should ask because I think about my friend Yuma, a transgendered, undocumented worker from the country of Yugostan. I think about his quest for love. And work. And I think about how much you hate him and want to destroy his dreams of a simple, happy, tax-payer funded, undocumented life with his three husbands. You should be ashamed.”

So the next time you find yourself in a heated discussion about a controversial topic, stick to these simple steps and you’re sure to win. You may even get your own television news show.

Or a job writing speeches for the president.

When making sure your voice is heard matters more than the truth, the possibilities are limitless.

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A Consistent Response To Sin

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Whenever something that the Bible calls sin starts to grow in social acceptance, the response from many in the world, and even the Church, is usually threefold.

1. Sin is sin.

As in, everyone sins so what makes this particular sin any worse?

2. Love is what really matters.

As in, hey, as long as it’s all done in love, what’s the harm?

3. Jesus’ silence.

As in, Jesus never directly addressed this particular sin so what gives me the right to say anything about it?

What if we were consistent with these responses? What if we didn’t just use them when talking about things like gay marriage? What if I used these same supposedly loving and tolerant responses during one of the counseling sessions that I frequently have in my office.

It might look something like this.

Me: So what brings you in?

John: I’m a wreck. My whole life is falling to pieces. I need help.

Me: Explain.

John: Well, it’s a long story so I’ll just try to give you the high points, or I guess you could say the low points.

Me: Go ahead.

John: I’ve been married for ten years. My wife and I have two kids together. From the outside, our home looks perfect. But for the last five years I’ve been seeing another woman. I honestly don’t know if I really love my wife anymore. I don’t know what to do. I just know that I’m miserable.

Me: Stop right there. You say that you don’t love your wife anymore. What about the other woman? Do you love her?

John: Yes. I think I do. She makes me feel really happy when I’m around her.

Me: There’s your answer, John. It’s all about love. What’s the point in being in a relationship where there is no love? As long as the two of you love each other, don’t let traditions hold you down. This isn’t the 1950s. Divorce isn’t what it once was. Pursue the other woman.

John: I wasn’t expecting that answer from the pastor of a church.

Me: I’m flattered.

John: But it doesn’t stop there. Whenever I meet up with this other woman, we always end up doing drugs together. Meth, to be specific. I know it’s wrong but the two just seem to go so well together.

Me: You say that you know it’s wrong. How do you know that?

John: How do I know what?

Me: How do you know that meth is wrong?

John: Well, I’ve just always heard that doing drugs is bad. And I’m sure that Jesus doesn’t approve of me doing meth with a woman I’m not married to in the park across the street from my kids’ school.

Me: John, I’ve got great news for you.

John: I could use some good news.

Me: Jesus never said anything about doing meth with someone in the park across the street from your kids’ school. It’s not mentioned once in the Bible.

John: I guess I never really thought about it that way.

Me: Well, now’s a good time to start. Stop beating yourself up for something that Jesus never condemned.

John: But I feel so guilty all of the time.

Me: That’s the Church’s fault. Your guilt is nothing more than a result of you living by what the Church tells you is right and wrong.

John: But what about you? What do you say is right and wrong?

Me: Me?! Well, I’m just a sinner. And sin, as they say, is sin. Somewhere in the Bible, Jesus told us not to judge so I’m just going to take that approach. It’s not my place to make any kind of a judgement statement regarding your new love for this other woman and your fondness of meth. The main thing is that you are happy and that you know that Jesus wants what’s best for you. And what’s best for you is what makes you happy. Does that help?

John: I think so. I mean, I don’t feel guilty anymore.

Me: Great! That’s what it’s all about, John. How you feel.

Woe to those who call evil good
and good evil,
who put darkness for light
and light for darkness,
who put bitter for sweet
and sweet for bitter! Isaiah 5:20 (ESV)

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A List Of Just Some Of The People Who Would Make A Better President Than Donald Trump

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1. The Great Kabuki

2. M.C. Hammer

3. Dusty Rhodes (RIP)

4. The guy who played Turbo in Breakin’ Two: Electric Bugaloo

5. Herschel Walker

6. Rasheed Wallace

7. The Hay Pushing Lady

8. Keith Sweat

9. That nice lady with the red hair who ran the school for those girls on The Facts of Life. Edna, I think was her name.

10. Gregg Allman

11. Duane Allman (RIP)

12. Don and Arlene

13. Conway Twitty (RIP)

14. Hank HIll

15. Henry Hill

16. The cast of One Tree Hill

17. Vin Diesel

18. Whoever the 12-year old boy is who was responsible for writing the screenplay for all of The Fast and The Furious movies.

19. Whoever the 12-year old girl is who is responsible for writing all of Luke Bryan’s songs.

20. Nature Boy Ric Flair. Wooooooooooooo!

21. Bubb Rubb and Lil’ Sis. Woot, woot!

22. Flo Rida

23.That guy in the Statue of Liberty costume dancing on the side of the street telling you that his uncle’s place is your best option for quality accounting services and the selling of any gold that you may need to get rid of.

24. Screech!

25. Keith Richards (RIP)

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10 Things You Can Absolutely Count On Happening This Year At Your Church’s VBS

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1. There will be a kid there who no one else knows. He will not be wearing a shirt and he will have a rat tail. His name will be Dakota and his mom will drop him off about 3 hours too early on the first day. You won’t see Dakota’s mom again until the end of the week. Maybe.

2. During music time, a bunch of kids will get into a fight over the one set of bongos in the box of instruments. Nobody wants to play the sandpaper. Nobody! And since when is sandpaper a musical instrument? I can sort of understand the triangle but sandpaper? Anyway, all of the kids with sandpaper and triangles will gang up to take the bongos away from that girl in the dress with ribbons in her hair who clearly does not deserve the bongos that were given to her. After all of the dust settles down, Dakota will have the bongos. And, somehow, everyone will be okay with that.

3. Each night’s snack will be some combination of juice, goldfish and those little cookies that you can wear like rings. It’s written in your church bylaws somewhere. Go check.

See. What’d I tell you?

Ours reads like this.

Article 2.2.3a: Dietary Matters

Whereas upon the receiving of refreshments during Vacation Bible School, all children shall be given goldfish, ring cookies and juice.

4. On the Sunday morning following Vacation Bible School, when all of the kids and workers wear their VBS T-Shirts with jeans, your pastor will be in on the action too. Sort of. He’ll skip the jeans and just wear his bright orange shirt that says Adventure Time With Jesus! with his suit. Nothing is more pastoral, and I mean nothing, than a VBS shirt worn over a dress shirt and tie combo with slacks and dress shoes.

5. Somewhere around 2:30 on Wednesday afternoon, you’ll begin to wonder if you have some previously undiscovered disease that makes you want to take a six hour nap right there on the bathroom floor. Don’t worry. You’re fine. What you have is simply a result of being around too many screaming kids. It’s not a disease. Yet. A new drug by the name of Stopscreamingyall is pending approval from the FDA. Look for the commercials during this year’s Super Bowl.

6. At the end of each night you’ll find yourself in that awkward position where only one kid (Dakota) is waiting for his ride to come. Should you wait with him? You waited last night. Shouldn’t someone else have to deal with this get the opportunity to minister to young Dakota? Sure enough, you’ll be the one waiting and having to find the right words to say to Dakota’s tardy mother.

Here’s what not to say: “Look lady, we end at 8. At night!! Not in the morning. I’m missing Bobby Flay for this.”

Here’s a better option: “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that from now on we’re having our VBS at the Huddle House so you can just start dropping Dakota off there.”

I know how cruel and unmissional that sounds but it’s really best for all parties. The Huddle House could use the extra business and or help in the back and the rest of the kids at VBS would really like to play the bongos.

7. A lady will tell you how thankful she is for offering this for her grandchildren. She’ll say that she’s never heard of your church before. She’ll ask what time your Sunday morning services start. She’ll say that she’s looking forward to coming this Sunday. You won’t see her again until next year’s VBS.

8. Kids will run through the halls of your church. They will run like there’s no tomorrow. And they’ll do so while wearing hats. Or, in Dakota’s case, shirtless. One of the longtime members will see this and he will not be happy. At what he thinks to be just the right time he’ll stand up and say, “Hey! You boys quit running in here. This is God’s house.” He’ll then take another puff off his cigarette and sit back down in his pew.

9. On the first night, while all of the kids are getting their name tags, there will be a problem. There will be one kid who just sort of shows up without any adult supervision. You’ll ask him his name so that you can properly keep track of him.

“What’s your name little fellow?”

“Pooh Pooh.”

“I’m sorry?”

“For what?”

“No. What’s your name?”

“Pooh Pooh.”

“Uhh…”

You spend the rest of the week calling the child names like Buddy, Dude and Guy. Everyone else just sticks with his proper name.

Pooh Pooh.

10. By the end of the week you decide to make some changes. Like moving to a church with no one under the age of 75. Or taking up a new drug. Either way, you won’t be doing VBS again.

But you’ll be back.

And so will Pooh Pooh.

And Dakota.

But I’m not sure about Dakota’s mom.

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The Government’s Guide To A Safe, Healthy and Educational Summer Break For Your Kids

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I got a call from The White House the other day.

It seems that the folks in D.C. have a new initiative to keep kids busy and out of trouble while school is shut down for the summer and they want me to help with getting the word out. They’re calling this new federal program Kids Growing Beyond (KGB) and they seem real excited about it. I figured, if the government is excited about it and it’s for the kids, it can’t be bad. So it is my honor to be the first person to publicize the government’s new guidelines for parents and kids this summer.

1. Safety first!

When you and I were growing up we spent our summers outside. We left the house after we woke up and we didn’t come back until the sun went down. That’s because we grew up all wrong and our parents had no idea what they were doing. Think about it. We could’ve been murdered.

Thankfully, the government’s new guidelines will help to keep that from happening.

From now on, all kids between the ages of 0 and 31 will not be allowed to leave the house unsupervised. Federally qualified supervisors include employees of Child Protective Services, a drone, and, as a last resort, the child’s mother. In dire circumstances, assuming that the proper paperwork and bloodwork is on file, the child’s father will be allowed to supervise for up to six minutes a day.

Also, children must not leave the house without a helmet and they must be in a car seat. Even if they aren’t in a car. Any sitting will have to be done in a car seat. The government’s new motto for this will be, “If you’re off your feet, get in a car seat.” John Legend is working on the commercial jingle for this.

2. Healthy eating first too!

During the summers of my childhood, I was fueled by a steady diet of fish sticks, tater tots ketchup sandwiches and Beanee Weenees. That diet falls well short of today’s high standards. Fish, in case you didn’t know, are people too. And the same goes for whatever animal that Beanee Weenees are made from. The government added ketchup sandwiches to their terrorist watch list in 2002.

In an effort to respect the fish and the Beanee Weenee animal while also getting away from the ketchup sandwich, we’re all going vegetarian. So make sure your kids are used to hamburgers made out of the grass that gets stuck up under the lawn mower when you cut the grass on a rainy day. Mmmmmm. Organic. Oh, and McDonald’s. McDonald’s is still cool as far as the government’s new vegetarian dietary standards go seeing as how they haven’t used any actual meat in their food in over 30 years.

For dessert, kids will be allowed one (1) peppermint per day. On special occasions, cake will be permitted. However, said cake will not be allowed if it is in celebration of a birthday or if it contains sugar and/or flour. The government’s new motto for this will be “Let them eat cake!”

3. Don’t forget the entertainment. That’s first as well!

Every summer has those days when you either can’t or just don’t want to go outside. That’s when television comes in. More specifically in my case, that was when it was time to watch CHiPs and Fat Albert reruns. CHiPs and Fat Albert were my best friends on rainy days. Where would we be without these shows? CHiPs taught us to respect the police. Even if those policemen still liked to compete in disco roller skating competitions. Fat Albert taught us what life was like for inner city kids who had to use things in the junkyard for band instruments. That band sounded pretty good. Way better than anything Rascal Flatts ever recorded. Life, as it seemed, was good in the inner city.

It turns out, we were taught wrong.

Ponch and John wouldn’t stand a chance today. Can you imagine two cops on roller skates trying to stop another one of those riots started by a bunch of rich college kids pretending to be communists at the local roller rink? And what about Fat Albert? Do you think that show would make it today? No way! Today Albert would be called Far Too Short For His Weight Albert and Dumb Donald would be Misunderstood By Every Teacher He’s Ever Had Donald. And there’s no way that Bill Cosby would be allowed to host. Ryan Seacrest would take his place. Far Too Short For His Weight Albert and the Seacrest Kids just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

So we need a healthier alternative for our kids.

The View.

Each week, children will be forced to watch The View. Excuse me. Each week, children will be invited to enjoy The View. After that day’s episode, the child will write a short paper entitled Why Whoopie Is Right And Everyone Else Is Wrong. The music of Alanis Morissette is strongly suggested while your child writes. I’m sure that your second grader can sense the excitement already as he begins to grapple with his guilt for having the nerve to be born a male.

When it’s summer, you don’t have to sacrifice safety, healthy eating and education for fun. You can have it all. And the KGB is here to give it to you. Hopefully these guidelines will help you. Actually, these are just a few of the guidelines. The actual initiative is much longer but I didn’t have time to read it.

But hey, it’s from the government.

What’s the worse that could happen?

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News From The Future

Local Terror Cell Busted, Children Rescued

April 1, 2016

Several members of an Atlanta terrorist organization were arrested Thursday afternoon at their home on Spring Street which was also doubling as headquarters for the operation.

John David Stutts, 36, and Kara Lee Stutts, 34, both residents of Atlanta are said to be the leaders of the organization known as New Life. Police were first tipped off about the organization in January when the Stutts’ two children did not return to school after Winter Yule Lore Break due to a disagreement with the school’s administration.

When the state’s mandatory tolerance classes known as Government Union of Legislators Advancing Growth (GULAG) were announced earlier in the year, the Stutts children were not allowed to attend because of their parent’s beliefs. Stutts had filed a formal complaint with the school system to keep his children out of the classes, citing troublesome passages from archaic texts. GULAG classes became the law in all 50 states at the beginning of the 2015/2016 school year. The law prohibits religious expression of any kind and mandates that all pre-K through sixth grade children take a weekly series of sensitivity training courses that includes lectures from area feminists, memorizing Indigo Girls songs and binge watching Will and Grace reruns.

Kris Waterspoon, a well respected transgendered member of the community and the principal of Frank Marshall Elementary School, the school the Stutts children attended, immediately sent John David Stutts’ complaint the the federal government’s Bureau Overseeing Worship (BOW). Several months later, when John David Stutts refused to allow his children to receive the state’s mandatory hate vaccine and did not return them to educational care following Winter Yule Lore Break, Principal Waterspoon immediately contacted the local authorities, fearing that the Stutts children were being homeschooled, an activity that is not outlawed in 19 states, including Georgia.

For the following three months, the city of Atlanta’s Task Force Overseeing Religion (ACT FOR) monitored the activities of the Stutts family. Johnny Tyler oversaw the investigation.

“After just a few nights of surveillance, we discovered the the Stutts residence was more than just a home. Two nights a week it was doubling as some sort of church. We knew then that our work was close to being done. All we had to do was watch the church for a few weeks to see how the people were acting. Several of our agents went undercover to join the church. We’ve done this at other locations but, thankfully, the churches were no different than other community meetings. We had no evidence, other than the name or the fact that they met on Sundays, to prove that they were a church. New Life was different. They seemed to take the Bible seriously. That’s when we knew that it was time to make our move.”

Just before making their move, ACT FOR agents discovered one other piece of evidence that helped their case even more. John David Stutts owned a company that had several government contracts. This was a clear violation of the nearly unanimously approved House Bill 180 which prohibits government contractors from having any religious affiliation.

Early Thursday afternoon, a joint task force of city police, the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security raided the home during a weekly lunch meeting where members of New Life met to allegedly discuss how to serve the community. John David Stutts and his wife Kara Lee Stutts were arrested along with three other church leaders, John Leggit Hunter, Jerry Pontosious White and Donald Ray White.

But according to officer Johnny Tyler, the case is not over.

“There were 20 to 30 people attending New Life services each week. These are people who did more than attend. They carried their beliefs out into society with them. If you have any information on these people, please contact ACT FOR immediately. Members of New Life are intolerant and should therefore be considered extremely dangerous.”

The three Stutts children were taken back into state custody where they are said to be safe in the GULAG.

Comments:

Gayle Tucker ~ Ithaca, New York

It’s good to see our government officials finally make these intolerant hate mongers shut up.

Eric Best ~ Greenville, Oregon

I’m a Christian and I’m all for free speech and freedom of religion but Sutts and his kind have taken it too far.

Sean Perry ~ Dunwoody, Georgia

IT’S ABOUT TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Geoff Ferrell ~ Charleston, South Carolina

Comment deleted by The Department of Homeland Security’s Office of Web Management. If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Mr. Ferrell, please contact us immediately.

Comments section closed.

ISIS Wants To Come To Griffin, Georgia

I saw the list for the first time early Wednesday morning. It had cities that you might expect. Seattle. Phoenix. San Antonio. There were other cities that I’m not familiar with. And then there was one that I’m very familiar with.

Griffin, Georgia.

ISIS wants to attack Griffin, Georgia. Not New York City. Not even Atlanta. But tiny Griffin, Georgia. The place where I buy groceries.

So this one’s for you ISIS. Before you come after Griffin, there are a few things that you need to know.

First, someone has already beaten you to the punch. Years ago another organization came to Griffin and the town hasn’t been the same since. That organization is called Wal-Mart. Just a quick drive through the parking lot of the Wal-Mart in Griffin, Georgia will send you back to your homeland with your heads hung low and your blood pressure too high. Your bosses won’t be happy.

“How was the trip to Griffin?”

“Terrible. How do you expect us to conduct a holy war while so many people are shopping in their pajamas and flip flops while beating their children?”

“Well, what are we supposed to tell the person who is funding our operation?”

“Tell Mrs. Clinton to do it herself.”

Next, haven’t you seen Red Dawn? Probably not. Well, it’s a movie about a small town that gets invaded by another country. They made the movie twice. Both times, the invading country was defeated because of a group of high school football players. In both Red Dawn movies the high school football team was terrible but they still managed to defeat an army. The Griffin Bears won the state championship two years ago. I rest my case.

Finally, there is a very good chance that Griffin, Georgia could be the place where your whole operation comes to an end. Perhaps I should explain. About every three feet in Griffin there is a Waffle House. You can expect at least four things in every Waffle House in Griffin, Georgia.

1. Bacon

2. Nicotine

3. Kid Rock songs on the jukebox

4. People who drive trucks and carry guns

I’m no expert on ISIS but from what I understand that’s four things that wouldn’t make you feel too welcomed. Good, country people have been beaten at Waffle Houses for saying off color things about Dale Earnhardt and wrestling being fake. I can’t imagine the response you’ll get when you interrupt some guy’s breakfast with your shouts of death to America. American bombs are one thing but you haven’t seen war until you disturb some guy named Big Earl while he’s trying to eat his eggs, clean his AR-15 and listen to Hank sing A Country Boy Can Survive.

A lot of people are worried about ISIS coming to Griffin. But I say that we should roll out the red carpet for them. Some in our government are bent on paying off these terrorists or starting another war and you see how well that’s working out. That won’t happen in Griffin.

Don’t let our representatives fool you, ISIS. There are some tough people in this country. A lot of them live in Griffin, Georgia. They eat their eggs there. They shop in their pajamas there. And, much to the chagrin of some in our government, those people are heavily armed.

So please, by all means, come to Griffin. Just let me know when you get there so I can tell the lady at Wal-Mart that you told her to control her child and the guy at Waffle House that you said that lady NASCAR driver was ten times better than Dale Earnhardt.

That should put an end to your terrorism.

Wolverines!

I mean Bears!