The Quotable Obama

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Presidents are remembered for what they said.

Reagan said, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.”

Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.”

What about President Obama? What will be the words that future generations remember him by? What will be his one stirring sentence that lives long after he has left office?

Time will give us the answer to that question but there is another famous saying that can help us to get a better idea as to how this president will be remembered.

“Actions speak louder than words.”

If that saying is true, here are a few quotes that Barack Obama may have never spoken with his lips but that came across loud and clear in his actions.

Obama On Terrorism

“I stand strong against terrorists. And by terrorists I mean coal miners, people who own arts and crafts stores and military veterans. Oh, and those people who are always talking about the Constitution. Almost forgot about them.”

Obama On The Military

“Who needs the military anyway? They’re always wanting to come to D.C. to see war memorials and to get their injuries healed. Too much trouble if you ask me. Besides, anything they can do, my flying armed robots can do better.”

Obama On Congress

“Congress exists to affirm my every decision. Well, not every decision. Just the ones that they know about. And I must say, they are doing an excellent job.”

Obama On Gun Rights

“I support the right of average American citizens who happen to be employed by the IRS to own whatever firearms they please and as much ammo as the job requires.”

Obama On Healthcare

“A lot of  Americans are dying without proper medical care. But a lot isn’t enough. We need more Americans to die without proper medical care. That’s why I came up with the Affordable Care Act. You didn’t really expect me to pay for all of these people, did you?”

Obama On The Environment

“We have a moral obligation to act swiftly and decisively on the environment. We owe it to our grandchildren. Well, not all of the grandchildren. Just the ones that weren’t killed by our immoral obligation to fund Planned Parenthood.”

Obama On Privacy

“I was surprised to find out today that Jason L. Sanders writes all of his stuff while wearing Captain America pajamas. Also, he ate eggs for breakfast this morning.”

Obama On The Warrantless Searches And Arrests Of American Citizens

“I am saddened to inform you that Mr. Sanders will be unable to finish today’s writing. We all wish him the best and a very speedy recovery.”

I Predict 2014

It’s that time again when we look back on the year that was. 2013. But it’s also time to look ahead to the year that will be. In case you learned your math in a Clayton County Public School, that would be the year 2014.

Here are my predictions.

Healthcare

You or someone you know will have to go to the doctor. Let’s just say that it’s for an upper respiratory infection. When you enter the crowded office a voice from behind the sliding glass window will tell you to be seated and wait for further instructions.

You manage to squeeze in next to a guy with an gunshot wound to the lower leg and a lady with her pet chicken. You figure that this is going to take a while.

A lady walks out from the back and you expect her to call a name. She doesn’t. Instead she pulls out a big glass bowl with a bunch of paper in it. She informs the room that she will be drawing two names. Before making her random selection she says, “May the odds be ever in your favor.”

This doesn’t make you feel very good.

You start to get up to leave, opting for a home remedy, when she calls out your name. And then the name of the lady with the chicken. Relieved, you sit back down only to find out that you have to fight the lady with the chicken on national television for the rights to the last antibiotic in the office.

The Lesson To Be Learned: If you don’t want to end up in a fight to the death in a doctor’s office against some lady and her chicken, take as much vitamin C as you can and stay away from any website with an address ending in .gov.

The President

President Obama will get caught. This scandal looks like the one that will finally do him in. Nobody can possibly get away with driving a car with ten malnourished baby seals caged in the back and a bumper sticker that says, “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For Myself… 15 Times.”

No one except the president.

Here’s how it goes down.

America: “Mr. President, please explain why you were driving a car with ten malnourished baby seals caged in the back and a bumper sticker that says, ‘Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For Myself… 15 Times.'”

President Obama: “Hey look at that pretty bird.”

America: “Pretty bird. Pretty bird. Here, pretty bird.”

The Lesson To Be Learned: Do not look at the bird. Ever. It’s a trick.

Quick Hits

Some guy you’ve never heard of will get kicked off of your favorite college football team for making terroristic threats, beating up a nun and poisoning the water supply for three different counties. But don’t worry. He’ll land on his feet as the quarterback for Auburn and win a national championship.

At least once a week you’ll flip through all 521 of your channels and discover that there is nothing on.

Miley Cyrus will do something weird. Weird enough to make the weird thing she did last year look as normal as apple pie.

Here’s to a happy 2014.

May the odds be ever in your favor.