Would Jesus Stand or Kneel?

Pick a side.

It has to be one or the other.

That’s what we’re always told. It has to be Coke or Pepsi, Ford or Chevy, Republican or Democrat, stand or kneel. There are no other options. To choose a third option is to condone the most evil of the only two real choices. And we call this freedom.

Even Jesus was told to pick a side. He had the wonderful privilege of choosing between the lifeless Saducees and the graceless Pharisees. He had the wisdom to denounce both groups. He rejected the Pharisees with his welcoming call to, “all who are weary and heavy laden.” He rejected the Saducees with his resurrection from the grave. Neither party, in their purest form, exists today.

Jesus is doing just fine.

We made it through the first two weeks of the NFL season without much controversy over people kneeling during the national anthem. Sure, some were still doing it and ESPN was still reporting on it but it was rapidly becoming a non-issue.

And then the President of the United States decided to share his opinion. The one who so many evangelical leaders have told us is, “God’s chosen man” called NFL players a name that I will not repeat here because of their refusal to stand during the national anthem. He did not, by the way, use such strong language toward the tiki torch mob in Charlottesville. Some of those were good people, remember? And then, the man who has told us that he has never needed to ask for forgiveness, lashed out at an outspoken Christian for refusing to visit the White House with his NBA championship team.

And, just like that, guess what dominated NFL coverage on Sunday. Can we just watch a game without the government getting involved? The president’s answer over the weekend was a resounding “No.”

For reasons that I’ll likely never understand, some Christians are okay with the president, “telling it like it is” and cursing people who take a knee during the national anthem. The same group that stages silly protests against the IRS on Pulpit Freedom Sunday has no problem with that same government condemning protestors who land on a different end of the political spectrum than they do. The same group that rightly has a problem with President Obama’s tyrannical reach into the consciences of bakers has no problem whatsoever with President Trump’s tyrannical reach into the consciences of professional athletes.

I do not agree with kneeling during the anthem. I always stand and take my hat off and I teach my sons how and why they should do the same. I also teach them that those who refuse to stand have a right to do so and, whether we end up agreeing with them or not, if we’re ever going to get over our divisions, we would do well to listen to them rather than obey the marching orders handed down to us by the president and his talk radio spokespeople.

Jesus did not die for us so that we could pick a side in some ridiculous culture war. He rules over such things and his followers represent him best when they are motivated by the command to love God and love neighbor rather than the desire to tell it like it is and stick it to the folks on the other side.

It can be so much fun to tell it like it is and stick it to the folks on the other side.

It’s just too bad that so few people, including the president, see how it is destroying the fabric of our nation and the credibility of the Christian witness.

The voices on both sides are loud.

Coke or Pepsi.

Ford or Chevy.

Republican or Democrat.

Stand or kneel.

Yet over all of them there is the still small voice that spoke creation into existence, sent Satan away in the wilderness, calmed the winds and the waves and will one day strike down the nations and rule them with an iron rod.

We would be wise to listen to that voice.

Because one day soon there will be no Coke or Pepsi, Ford or Chevy, Republicans or Democrats, and standing or kneeling during the national anthem.

There will still be Jesus however and he’ll still be doing just fine.

 

So you do have a choice.

But there are more than two options.

Choose wisely.

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A Short List Of What You Can And Cannot Get Away With In Our Brave New World

This post was originally published on this site in 2013.

Things that are perfectly acceptable for celebrities, politicians and other really rich types to do whenever they please.

1. Hammer-licking on basic cable.

2. Twerking with a dude wearing a Beetlejuice suit.

3. Calling for the extermination of up to one half of the population.

4. Determining that human beings are not viable until they reach their second birthday.

5. Lying about healthcare.

6. Lying about terrorist attacks.

7. Using the IRS to terrorize American citizens.

8. Using the N-Word.

9. Killing people in your car because you were too drunk to navigate a curve.

10. Classifying all people who disagree with you as terrorists.

Things that are unacceptable for celebrities, politicians and regular folks. No exceptions. 

1. Manger scenes.

2. Saying that homosexuality is a sin.

3. Saying that you do not personally understand homosexuality.

4. Speaking in a southern accent.

5. Guns.

6. Moving dirt from one location on your private property to another location on your private property.

7. Refusing to use your own money to provide your employees with abortifacients.

8. Questioning the idea of global warming as you attempt to shovel ten feet of snow off of your driveway.

9. Questioning the concept of buying groceries, phones and medicine for people who have never worked and never care to work.

10. Getting on an airplane without being removed from your wheelchair and checked for explosives, guns, knives, Bibles and other contraband.

Did I leave anything out?

I Wish That President Obama Would Have Given This State Of The Union Address Last Night

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress and my fellow Americans,

I’ll spare you the stories about a hypothetical teacher who spent extra time with her students or a woman who was able to start a business, all because of my policies. I want to get right to the point.

America, you’re on your own.

I know that that doesn’t sound very presidential. It certainly doesn’t sound like something that this president would say. But I’ve had a change of heart. As you know, I’ve changed my mind on important policies before. I’m doing it again.

You are on your own when it comes to going to college. I will not be paying for your first two years. Honestly, I wasn’t going to be paying for it anyway. Your neighbors were. But not anymore. If you really want to go to college, save up for it. Come to grips with the fact that you might have to go to college later in life. Better yet, accept the possibility that you might not go to college at all. A college diploma, while noble, isn’t quite the savior we’ve made it out to be. The work of a welder, truck driver and stay-at-home mother is just as noble. Whatever path you take, I wish the best for you. But, when it comes to getting help from me, you are on your own.

That is why, beginning in July of this year, there will no longer be a United States Department of Education. From now on, the education of our nation’s children will be up to states, private institutions and, most of all, families. You are on your own. Make the most of it.

You are on your own when it comes to taxes. There will be no tax increase for the wealthy, as you might have heard I was planning on proposing. In fact, there will be a tax decrease for the wealthy. And the middle class. That’s because, beginning in January of 2016, there will no longer be an Internal Revenue Service or Federal Reserve.

It has been said that my presidency has been hard on jobs. I suppose that I am proving that true. If you work for the IRS, you have a little less than a year to find a new job. And then you will be on your own. I wish you the best.

The Federal Reserve will be a completely different animal considering the fact that it isn’t even a government agency and it answers to no one. In fact, for far too long, presidents have been answering to the unaccountable bankers who are running the Federal Reserve and controlling your money. That stops now. I may not be able to shut this agency down but I can stop serving to it.

Citizens of America, when you are driving in your car, working on your computers and resting in your home, I want you to know that you are on your own. The government will not be there anymore. We will stop reading your e-mails in the name of liberty. We will stop listening to your phone calls in the name of fighting terrorism. We will stop watching you from above in the name of national security. That is why I am announcing a massive overhaul to the NSA and CIA. Every American citizen should live in the confidence that they are being left alone. For the remainder of my presidency, this will be the case. You are on your own.

Finally, there will be one area of your life where I will not leave you alone. When it comes to protecting your constitutional rights, I will be with you. I realize that I have done my fair share to harm those rights. Many of my colleagues on the right side of the aisle have been just as eager to trample your rights. I guess you could say that for the past several years, the one thing that us politicians in D.C. could agree on is taking away your liberty. While I cannot speak for those on the right, or even my own party, those days are over for me.

I took an oath to protect you from enemies foreign and domestic. I didn’t take an oath to give you cell phones, manage your kid’s school lunches or spy on you.

My fellow Americans, there are people who want you to have less liberty. Some of those people live in far away lands. Some of them are in this room. As they work to chip away at your rights, I want you to know that you are not on your own. You have a president who is working on your behalf. But I can’t do it alone. I need you to take responsibility. If this system is to work, it has to be more about you and your family and neighbors loving each other and working together than it does any sort of bipartisan effort here in D.C.

Let me be clear, when politicians in D.C. get together to do something in a bipartisan manner, it’s usually bad for you. But when regular American citizens come together, without the assistance of government, to accomplish a task, good things happen.

I believe that good things can still happen in the United States of America. But I will need your prayers. And you can count on mine.

God bless you.

And God bless the United States of America.

The Washington D.C. Change Scheme

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The politicians in Washington D.C. like to talk a lot about change. Changing things is what they do, or so they tell us. Every national crisis is an opportunity for them to change something and thus another chance for them to remind us how important they are. And if there’s anything that the politicians in D.C. like more than talking about changing things, it’s reminding us how important they are.

That’s really what reform is usually all about in D.C. The actual change usually takes a backseat to the ego, status and bank account of the one talking about change. It really is a clever plan. Here’s how it works.

Step One: Crisis

In order for there to be a change, there has to be something bad that people want changed. This really is the easiest step for our federal leaders. They’re quite good at creating bad situations. Messing stuff up is what they do best. Most of the time, stuff gets messed up for two reasons. One, a politician wants more money. Two, the politician wants more power. Oh, I almost forgot the third and most dangerous reason. The politician wants more money and more power. Every time a politician acquires more money and/or power for himself he always takes it from the same source.

Us.

We the people.

Whatever your political leanings, an honest look at our nation’s scandals, of which there are many, will quickly reveal that they are the result of some politician’s thirst for more power, money or some combination of the two.

That leads us to step two.

Step Two: Outrage

The people get fed up. They’re tired of watching people from other countries set up camp in their backyard. They’re tired of waiting 18 months to see a doctor about a kidney stone. They’re tired of the IRS harassing them because they went to a Lee Greenwood concert.

So they demand change.

And the politicians are more than happy to meet those demands. It’s what they do, remember?

Which leads us to step three.

Step Three: The Fix

The politicians are fed up too. At least that’s what they want us to believe. So they call special hearings and draw up new bills that they assure us will fix the problem. They start talking like preachers. And they all come together to reach their final conclusion.

But before we get to that conclusion, we should address two warnings. First, whenever politicians agree on something, look out. What they’re agreeing on usually has something to do with taking stuff away from you. Second, use extreme caution when politicians start to talk like preachers. Whenever a politician who has a problem with a kid saying a prayer at his high school graduation starts talking about how, “we’re all God’s children,” you’re about to get hurt.

On to the conclusion.

After all of the debating, posturing and talking points, the politicians come to an agreement on the best way to fix the problem.

Money.

And power.

They need more money. And more power. In fact, if they would have had more money and more power which, remember, they get from us, none of this ever would have happened. So in a way, this was all our fault.

The VA crisis? Washington needs more money to fix it.

The border crisis? Washington needs more power.

And so we give it to them. Which always leads to another crisis. Which always leads us back to step one.

Wash.

Rinse.

Repeat.

So the moral of the story is this. Be careful when politicians in Washington D.C. come together to talk about change.

Most likely, it’s your change that they want.

The Week That Was: Obama, Mascot Changes And Vacation Bible School

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No Shred Of Evidence In The IRS Scandal

Here’s what we know. The IRS targeted specific groups who were considered unfriendly to the Obama administration. Here’s what we don’t know. What did Lois Lerner and other IRS officials write to one another in e-mails? And we likely never will. That’s because the hard drives of all the computers used in this conspiracy were “recycled.”

Don’t you love how the government uses nice, friendly words to describe their corruption? We didn’t destroy e-mails. We recycled them! There’s no corruption here! Just us going green. Hooray for recycling!

Next year, I’m trying this one out.

“Mr. Sanders, it appears that you failed to turn your taxes in by the proper time.”

“It’s not that I failed to turn them in. It’s just that I recycled them. They’re in tiny pieces over there in the blue bin with the progressive looking triangle on the side of it.”

If there’s one thing that we’ve learned from our government it’s that you can’t argue with environmental friendliness. I’m going to save thousands next year!

The Truth About The Obama Presidency

The middle east is a bigger disaster than it ever has been. Our own border is no longer a border. There’s a new scandal from the White House every week. Just one of those scandals would have been enough to sink any other president. Obama has ten of them and somehow manages to survive.

The events in and involving our nation should lead any unbiased observer to conclude that our president is guilty of either gross incompetence or high crimes and misdemeanors. Here’s the scary part. Obama is far too intelligent to be guilty of this level of gross incompetence.

Federal Government Steals The Redskins 

It looks like the Washington Redskins are going to have to change their name. If I were Daniel Snyder, the team’s owner, I’d voluntarily change the team mascot to something more in line with the city that the team represents. Maybe the Washington Purposeful Losers of Self-Indicting E-mails. Or how about the Washington Patriot Haters? The Washington Scandalz? We could even put a picture of Harry Reid wearing an eye patch on the side of their newly improved, concussion proof, environmentally friendly helmets. Look out, Raiders!

Sadly, we’ll never see the team switch to names like that. Most likely the president will issue an executive order mandating that we all start calling the Redskins something like the One Worlders, The Globalists, The Banksters or The Unity.

It’s not hard to imagine the Washington Redskins becoming the Washington Unity.

But all this will do is make us get the Washington professional football team mixed up with the Washington professional women’s basketball team. Actually, that probably already happens more than the Redskins care to admit.

I do like the idea of teams having names that match their identity. I can’t remember the last time I saw a Royal in Kansas City. Or a Red in Cincinnati. What am I even supposed to be looking for? It’s all so confusing. My new team names won’t be any less offensive but they will help to keep things in order for the frustrated sports fan.

Here are a few examples.

Major League Baseball

The Atlanta We Will Build A New Stadium And You Will Like It And Pay For It, People of Marietta

The New York Yankees Are My Favorite Team Even Though I’ve Never Been Within a 200 Mile Radius of New York City

The Cleveland Mathematically Eliminated From Playoff Contention An Hour Or So After Opening Day

NBA

The Miami I Bet You Won’t Be Wearing Our Jersey After We Let Lebron Go

NFL

The Dallas If It Wasn’t For Us ESPN Wouldn’t Have Anything To Talk About

The Atlanta Our City Has More Apartment Fires, Standardized Test Cheating Scandals And Night Club Shootings Than Your City (With The Exception Of Memphis)

College Football

The Florida State We Weren’t Aware That Grand Theft And Assault Were Illegal In This State

The Auburn We’re Glad That Grand Theft And Assault Are Illegal At The University of Georgia. Where Else Would We Get Our Quarterbacks From?

That one rolls off the tongue doesn’t it?

If you happen to be the proud owner of a Washington Redskins shirt or jacket, hang on to it. It’s going to be worth something in another year or so. Just don’t get caught with it or you might get shipped off to a reeducation center in Cuba where you’ll be forced to cheer for the Guantanamo Bay Terrorist Traders.

On second thought, maybe you should just recycle all of your Redskins gear.

Vacation Bible School

On Thursday night I taught three children’s Bible classes at Vacation Bible School. By the time I was done I felt like I had fought in a 15-round fight and directed traffic on 285 in Atlanta. At the same time.

I won’t go so far as to call it impossible but it was tough.

Which gives me an idea.

We should find a way to make Lois Lerner teach Vacation Bible School non-stop until she turns over her incriminating e-mails. My guess is that we’d have all the answers we needed within a week.

But that kind of punishment would be cruel and unusual.

To the children at Vacation Bible School.

I’m Probably Going To Start Thinking About Maybe Running For President

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When the 2016 presidential elections roll around, we’ll probably get to decide between Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush. Clinton. Bush. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? This is sort of like the WWE announcing that Hulk Hogan will fight Andre the Giant in the next Wrestlemania main event. The similarities are numerous.

1. We’ve already seen this before.

2. We’re no better off after the first experience.

3. The two supposed enemies will share a nice meal and a few laughs together at our expense after all of the dust has settled.

4. Everything might just be a little more staged than the most ardent supporters of each candidate would care to admit.

That’s why I’m probably going to start thinking about maybe running for president.

America could use the pastor of a Southern Baptist church as its next president. We’ve already had a professor, the owner of a baseball team and a bunch of governors and they haven’t been that much help. So why not try a pastor? Pastors of small Southern Baptist churches with no previous political experience and several felony convictions don’t have a very good track record at running for president. Actually, there’s no track record so, the way I see it, there’s nowhere to go but up for me. And America. Oh, and I was just kidding about me having no previous political experience.

If I’m going to have any shot at winning the presidency, now is the time to get the word out and let people know what I stand for. Here goes.

1. It will no longer be illegal to be rich.

If you earned it legally, you get to keep it. And it’s up to you to do with it as you please. If you want to hang on to your money until you die so that your kids can fight over it, by all means, be my guest. Stupidity, poor financial planning and bad family management will also be legal. Just know this. If your kids can’t decide what to do with your money after you’re gone, all of it goes to charity. For the first year of my presidency, or until I can think of something better, that charity will be the Atlanta Braves. They could really use a new hitting coach and Chipper Jones doesn’t come out of retirement for cheap.

2. The federal minimum wage will be drastically reduced.

84% of all politicians and 100% of Captain D’s employees want the federal minimum wage to be moved up to $33.72. If elected president, I pledge to change the federal minimum wage to $0.00. If you are the guy in charge of hush puppies at Captain D’s and your boss wants to pay you $0.00, that’s his way of saying that you’re fired. Find another job. And if you get fired from Captain D’s, you’ve got bigger issues than the federal minimum wage.

If you’re not happy with your current take home pay, whatever you do, don’t go on strike asking for more money. I’m thinking outside of the box here but maybe you could find ways to make yourself more marketable and go from business to business asking for a job that pays more money. Just a tip here but business owners with a lot of money don’t usually like hiring people who go on strike. They do like hiring people who will start at the bottom, work their way up and make others around them better by keeping a good attitude while they do their job. You can’t do a whole lot to change the federal minimum wage. But you can do an awful lot to change your minimum wage.

If you own a business and you don’t want to provide healthcare or a salary for your workers, that’s your business. If you want to pay them a six figure salary and provide for their every medical need, that too is your business. Either way, just don’t expect the American people to pay when your business goes belly up. Manage your employees with compassion and your freedoms with wisdom. Your federally funded safety net is gone. You are not too big to fail.

3. There will be no more wars on anything.

Sure, if some other country comes to attack us, they will get attacked back. And they will lose. But we will not be fighting any more wars on poverty, drugs, terror or the like. A guaranteed way for our country to find itself in a mess is for us to announce a war on something. Under my leadership, we will have a different strategy.

Poverty will never be completely eliminated but the situation will improve exponentially with two simple steps –  ending the IRS and shutting down the Federal Reserve. These two institutions have done just as much as any others to create poverty in this country. When an institution prints its own money out of thin air and takes away sometimes up to half of a person’s income, I’m sure you’ll forgive me if I seem a little cynical when that same institution rambles on for 50 years about ending poverty with no noticeable improvements.

Under my leadership, the war on terror will be replaced with the Campaign To Stop Giving Weapons To Guys Who We Think Are Our Friends But Who Will Only Turn Around In A Year Or So To Use Those Very Same Weapons On Us (TCTSGWTGWWTAOFBWWOTAIAYOSTUTVSWOU for short.) When two of the neighborhood bullies start to fight each other, we’ll stay out of it. When one of them starts trying to bring the fight to our lawn, we’ll respond. And we’ll have a much better shot of winning if we’re fighting against guys that have not been previously armed, funded and trained by us.

There’s a remedy for our nation’s drug problem too. From now own, any person who is caught with drugs will be sent to a new federal drug facility in east Alabama known as Americans Understanding Basic Usefulness Regarding Narcotics (AUBURN for short). It really will be a win/win situation. Not only will our nation’s wayward souls have a place to go, they just might win themselves a national championship as well.

So there you have it. Now that you’re a little more aware of my campaign and what I stand for, I’m sure that I’ll have your support come 2016.

Come to think of it, I’ll definitely be running for president in 2016. I feel confident that I will get the victory.

I also feel confident that, after about two weeks in office, I will be assassinated.

By a disgruntled former employee of the Federal Reserve.

Or an Auburn fan.

Either way, thanks for your support.

It’s been nice knowing you.

Sanders/Hogan 2016!

Calling It What It Is: Gay Marriage And Other Deceptions

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You can change the rules. That’s good. Sometimes rules need to be changed. But at some point, after one too many rule changes, you also need to change the name of the game.

Say you want to add instant replay to Major League Baseball games. Great. Suppose you also wanted to take away all of the bases and stop keeping score. Okay. Just don’t expect us to keep calling it baseball.

Marriage works the same way. The institution of marriage wasn’t invented by the GOP in the 1950s. It was invented by God. In a garden. Long before the creation of GLAAD, democrats, republicans and Fred Phelps.

Since that time, we have been hard at work with our rules committees trying to change  God’s creation into something a little more in tune with our liking. Adam failed to lead, Eve was eager to take his place and a crafty serpent was more than willing to take advantage of the resulting chaos. He’s still taking advantage.

It took some time, in this country at least, but the name of the game has officially been changed.

When our government began to sanction, and in many ways force you to agree with, gay marriage, they effectively removed the bases and stopped keeping score. We aren’t playing baseball anymore.

No government has the power to take what God has created, sanction the perversion of that creation at the point of a gun, and continue calling it the same thing. To put it another way, there is no such thing as gay marriage.

Along with our government’s new found soap box of love and acceptance for all, many in the church began waiving the white flag. Some conceded defeat and retreated back to their sanctuaries, afraid of being lumped in with Phelps and his kind. Others fully embraced the new game. They even brought Jesus into the argument, pointing out his frequent references to love along with his failure to directly mention anything about homosexuality. Interestingly, this same crowd is a little slower to reference Jesus’ words on hell, judgment, marriage and adultery. They also aren’t too quick to come to the defense of the likes of a Bernie Madoff or a Justin Bieber, saying that, “Jesus never directly addressed Ponzi schemes or out of control pop stars.” Play on! Love wins!

The committee on rules changes, it appears, likes to make changes that work to their advantage.

These changes go beyond the realm of marriage. It’s fascinating to hear politicians use phrases like, “protecting our freedom,” “Rule of Law” or “free society” as they continually change the rules of the game.

In a “free society” does the ruling class typically take the citizens whose freedoms they are entrusted to protect to court simply because those private citizens have a different idea of how to provide health insurance for their employees?

Does “protecting our freedom” usually involve bullying cattle ranchers, stealing land from farmers and slowly but surely taking away a citizen’s right to protect himself?

The rules have been changed. So much so that our leaders started playing a completely different game a long time ago.

People have always disagreed in this country. That’s a good thing. In a truly free society, there will be different ideas about taxes, jobs and military intervention. But what is happening now is more than simply different opinions on policies. That was the old game. There’s only one word that can adequately describe the new game.

Tyranny.

Isn’t that what we used to call it when we heard about this kind of thing happening in other countries and in other times? Why is it, now that we are playing this new game here in our country, that we fail to call it what it really is?

Words matter. I know, I know. People like to tell us that they don’t. But that’s just academic babble. Sit in a doctor’s office, have him look you in the eye and say the word cancer. Words matter. Even when we don’t want them too.

I don’t have all of the answers for how we should be playing this new game with its ever changing rules. But I know that Christians can’t retreat. We have to be bold with our love. Even when it’s hard. Even when our love is called hate. And as long as we’re sticking around, it would help, when confronted with the reality of this strange new game, if we started calling it what it is.

About Last Night: A Southern Snow And What The President Should Have Said

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President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union speech last night. Here’s what he should have said.

“Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress and my fellow Americans, thank you for being here.

The State of the Union is very weak. Not all of that is my fault. Some of it is due to those of you who have put personal interests above protecting the freedoms of those you came here to represent. And some blame can be given to those citizens we are supposed to be representing. The ones who have chosen to ignore what is happening to their government until they need something from that government. Good government is impossible without good people.

But a lot of this is my fault. And for that I have two things to say.

First, I’m sorry.

I made news for myself a few years back when I apologized for America. Now it is time for me to apologize to America.

My job is to ensure that liberty is protected. I have failed in that job and I have manipulated many of you in that process.

Instead of protecting economic freedom, I have used the IRS to threaten, intimidate and even attack American citizens. This country is far from the most economically free country in the world. I am to blame for some of that. And for that I am sorry.

But it does not stop there.

In the 80s, people feared the Soviet Union. We made jokes about their constant surveillance of their own citizens. Now, we do the same thing in this country. It didn’t begin  on my watch but it did continue. In a very real sense, at least in terms of personal privacy, I have fundamentally transformed  this country into the Soviet Union of the 1980s. It didn’t end well for them and it will not end well for us. For that I am sorry.

I have disregarded the balance of power that this country was founded upon. Instead of allowing myself to be held accountable by the other two branches of government, I have bullied them and berated them when I did not get my way. I have made light of using my authority to bypass Congress. That is one area where I have kept my promise. As a result, I have turned this country into a dictatorship rather than the democratic republic it was intended to be. Our forefathers came here to escape a power-hungry king. In just a couple of hundred years, we have now come full circle. And for that I am truly sorry.

My reign has been a bloody one. I have mismanaged wars both here and abroad. But the majority of blood on my hands is due to the number of babies whose murders I have sanctioned while at the same time calling on God to bless this country. I have talked a lot about a woman’s choice while doing nothing for a child’s choice. These are children who want to live. I pretend to care about those children when they are 12 and someone brings a gun to their school because it fits my agenda of taking away guns. But I have cared nothing for children when they are still inside of the womb. Or even when they are partially out of the womb. For that I am sorry.

And that brings me to the second thing that I want to say tonight.

Because of my failure to faithfully represent and lead the people of this once great country in accordance to our founding documents, I hereby resign as your president. I also call for the resignation of the two men seated behind me as well as each member of my cabinet. I wish that I could go on with the calls for resignation but someone has to lead us.

Someone who cares more about this country than personal gain.

Someone other than me.

Thank you and may God have mercy on our nation.”

Of course, the president didn’t say anything like that. Instead, he told sentimental stories about hardworking Americans and kids struggling to get an education. And he told us how government is the answer to man’s problems. If only we would wise up and realize what is good for us.

While I was watching President Obama’s speech Tuesday night, snow was falling in my yard, even as he referenced global warming. Elsewhere in my state, the city of Atlanta was shut down. Major roads were turned into parking lots. Three years earlier, state transportation officials promised that this would never happen again.

A reporter asked one of those officials why it happened again.

Her answer went something like this.

“If it wasn’t for all of the traffic, we could fix the traffic.”

The president essentially said the same thing in his State of the Union address.

“If it wasn’t for our system of government, I could really do some governing.”

On Tuesday night, hundreds of people sat stranded on Atlanta’s roads. Some kids even spent four or five hours stuck on a school bus. All because their government failed them. Hopefully they learned a few things that they kept with them when they finally made it home to hear the president speak.

Government is essential.

But it is most reliable and most efficient when it is limited.

If only our president could learn those same lessons.

“One Dollar, Bob.”

A few things about this video.

1. Bob Barker commits a hate crime (0:05).

2. People get way, way too excited about carpet (0:37).

3. Jose has never seen The Price Is Right (1:30).

“Everything?”

“Everything!”

4. Bob Barker is really impatient. In fact, he’s kind of a jerk (1:41).

5. Jose either…

a.) Has no concept of finance

b.) Works for the IRS

c.) All of the Above

6. Jose is at least man enough to know when he’s done something stupid (1:52).

7. Take back what I said earlier about Bob Barker. He’s actually very kind and gracious (1:58).

8. Hit pause at 2:23. Gay is a serial killer (2:23).

9. Jose still thinks he has a chance (2:47).

10. Why is Gay so surprised (3:05)?

So the moral of the story is quite clear. If you ever make it on The Price Is Right and you’re not quite sure what to do, always, and I mean always, say, “One dollar, Bob.”

Coming Your Way: A Whole New Batch of Government Scandals

It’s a new week and that means that there will be about three or four new scandals coming out of Washington D.C. Here’s what you can expect.

Scandal #1 – An anonymous whistleblower informs a German newspaper that the government has spent the past 12 years pumping the nation’s water supply full of anthrax, DDT and that crust that gathers on the inside corner of a kitty litter box.

The Government’s Response – “Hey, terrorists drink water too and if just one terrorist is stopped by this, isn’t it all worth it?”

The People’s Response – “I never drink water. I’m more of a Red Bull person.”

Scandal #2 – A low-level employee with the Food and Drug Administration leaks information revealing that 86% of the milk purchased in the country over the past decade has come from rats.

The Government’s Response – “This sweeping, highly organized scheme of replacing regular cow milk with that of rats is the work of a janitor at our Dothan, Alabama offices. We just found out about it.”

The People’s Response – “Like I said, I’m more of a Red Bull person.”

Scandal #3 – A court clerk reveals that three, maybe four, of the Supreme Court justices are actually robots that were developed and programmed by Google. Googlebots, if you will. With every ten thousand Google searches, each of the Googlebots takes away another constitutional right.

The Government’s Response – “If you would just perform a simple Google search, you would see, in the results of that Google search, that there is absolutely no corporate influence in the United States Google. I mean Government. United States Google. Dangit! I said it again. USA! USA! USA!”

The People’s Response – “USA! USA! USA!”

Scandal #4 – In order to reduce energy consumption, the administration decides to cancel The Bachelorette, Two Broke Girls and The Voice.

The Government’s Response – “Aren’t there enough shows about young hipsters living in apartments, people trying to date each other and moderately talented singers trying to hit it big?”

The People’s Response – “SMH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Viva la revolucion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

So, before the end of the week, you might want to stock up on canned foods and ammo. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.